antaresia_boy
Very Well-Known Member
wat do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no penis?
Still no f...king idea!
Still no f...king idea!
A doctor examins a woman
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mwloco
Active Member
ok this ones long but worth a read............
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.
One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.
Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor...
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.
Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him..
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell in to a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit.
The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story?
(yep, you betcha, there is a moral!)
When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.
One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.
Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor...
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.
Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him..
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell in to a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit.
The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story?
(yep, you betcha, there is a moral!)
When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!
S
scorps
Guest
Wow aps has become that much of a spelling check you cant put a joke up any more without someone correcting your spelling. . .
antaresia_boy
Very Well-Known Member
haha, while since iv heard that one MW 
antaresia_boy
Very Well-Known Member
a little girl was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating.
'Daddy, what are those spiders doing?' she asked.
'They're mating, darling,' her father replied.
'And what do you call the spider on top?, Daddy?' she asked.
'That's a daddy-long-legs, sweetheart,' her father answered.
'Does that mean the other on is a mummy-long-legs?' asked the girl sweetly.
'No, honey. It's a daddy-long-legs, too.'
'WELL!' huffs the little girl, stamping her foot on top of the two spiders. 'We're
not having any of this ******* crap in my garden!'
'Daddy, what are those spiders doing?' she asked.
'They're mating, darling,' her father replied.
'And what do you call the spider on top?, Daddy?' she asked.
'That's a daddy-long-legs, sweetheart,' her father answered.
'Does that mean the other on is a mummy-long-legs?' asked the girl sweetly.
'No, honey. It's a daddy-long-legs, too.'
'WELL!' huffs the little girl, stamping her foot on top of the two spiders. 'We're
not having any of this ******* crap in my garden!'
antaresia_boy
Very Well-Known Member
Out on the beat one night, a policeman came across a bruised and bleeding man on the footpath.
'Mate, what happened? Can you describe the person that beat you up?'
'Of course,'said the young bloke. 'In fact, thats exactly what I was doing when he belted me!'
'Mate, what happened? Can you describe the person that beat you up?'
'Of course,'said the young bloke. 'In fact, thats exactly what I was doing when he belted me!'
antaresia_boy
Very Well-Known Member
Papa bear and baby bear went into the kitchen for breakfast one morning.
'Someone's eaten my porridge!' wailed baby bear.
'And someone's eaten my porridge' grumbled papa bear.
'You idiots,' yelled mama bear. 'I haven't even made the damn stuff yet!
Hope these give a few people a laugh..post all your jokes!
'Someone's eaten my porridge!' wailed baby bear.
'And someone's eaten my porridge' grumbled papa bear.
'You idiots,' yelled mama bear. 'I haven't even made the damn stuff yet!
Hope these give a few people a laugh..post all your jokes!
Ersatz
Well-Known Member
**No offence intended by this post, I am not a racist, racism is a crime, and crime is for black people**
An aussie, a jewish person, and an aboriginal walk out of a bar one night, the three were best friends. They were so drunk, they didn't see a truck coming from the side of the road, and SMACK! All 3 were hit by the truck and killed instantly.. They apppear in heaven, where they are at the Pearly Gates and St. Peter is there, flicking through a rag mag.
"Hey how can I help you?" asks St Peter
"Uhm.. We just got hit by a truck.. We dead or what?" says the Aussie bloke
"Oh sorry, I missed it, If you throw me 20 bucks you can go down and live again, just dont tell anyone" says St Peter.
So the aussie bloke pays, and goes back down to Earth, to the same place he died. Its the beginning of the night after he died, so he walks in to the pub, thinking he might have a drink and tell his story. Hes telling he story, had everyone captivated, mystified by how he defied death its self, until the bar tender asks, "but if its that easy, where are your friends?"
"Ohh, thats easy, the jewish bloke had st peter down to $15 dollars, it still wasnt enough, he wanted it half price, and the aboriginal wanted the government to pay for it.."
An aussie, a jewish person, and an aboriginal walk out of a bar one night, the three were best friends. They were so drunk, they didn't see a truck coming from the side of the road, and SMACK! All 3 were hit by the truck and killed instantly.. They apppear in heaven, where they are at the Pearly Gates and St. Peter is there, flicking through a rag mag.
"Hey how can I help you?" asks St Peter
"Uhm.. We just got hit by a truck.. We dead or what?" says the Aussie bloke
"Oh sorry, I missed it, If you throw me 20 bucks you can go down and live again, just dont tell anyone" says St Peter.
So the aussie bloke pays, and goes back down to Earth, to the same place he died. Its the beginning of the night after he died, so he walks in to the pub, thinking he might have a drink and tell his story. Hes telling he story, had everyone captivated, mystified by how he defied death its self, until the bar tender asks, "but if its that easy, where are your friends?"
"Ohh, thats easy, the jewish bloke had st peter down to $15 dollars, it still wasnt enough, he wanted it half price, and the aboriginal wanted the government to pay for it.."
Tinky
Very Well-Known Member
Listen Carefully
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over
his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour,
surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial
sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask, "Are my testicles
black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to
wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she
overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She
raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other,
lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says,
"There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank
you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely...... a
r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over
his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour,
surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial
sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask, "Are my testicles
black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to
wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she
overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She
raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other,
lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says,
"There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank
you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely...... a
r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c
antaresia_boy
Very Well-Known Member
a geeky little fella walks into a bar and slips
on a pile of dog poop in the doorway.
Composing himself, he wipes his feet and
walks over to the bar and buys a drink.
A few minutes later, a burly bikie walks into
the bar and also slips on the pile of dog poop.
After throwing a few swear words, he saunters
up to the bar and orders a drink.
Smiling weakly, the little guy says, 'Oh,I just did that!'
So the bikie punched him.
on a pile of dog poop in the doorway.
Composing himself, he wipes his feet and
walks over to the bar and buys a drink.
A few minutes later, a burly bikie walks into
the bar and also slips on the pile of dog poop.
After throwing a few swear words, he saunters
up to the bar and orders a drink.
Smiling weakly, the little guy says, 'Oh,I just did that!'
So the bikie punched him.
antaresia_boy
Very Well-Known Member
Ohh tinky thats a keeper!
blackduck
Not so new Member
never get into an argument with an idiot
because they only bring you down to their level
then beat you with experience
reptilemanor
Not so new Member
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Man who walk through airport turnstyle sideways is going to Bankok.
Man who smoke pot is going to choke on handle.
Man who walk through airport turnstyle sideways is going to Bankok.
Man who smoke pot is going to choke on handle.
blackduck
Not so new Member
Life is like a box of chocolates. Full of nuts.
Don’t steal. The government hates competition.
When all else fails - manipulate the data.
Why be difficult. Be impossible.
Due to budget cuts, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.
I am not speeding. I am qualifying.
Poli-tics. Poli meaning many, ticks meaning small blood sucking parasites.
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you.
Life is like a straw. It sucks.
I drive like this to piss you off.
Suicide is a way of telling God, “You can’t fire me, I quit!!!
If its tourist season, does that mean we can shoot them?
I don’t drive fast - I fly low.
Save the planet, recycle an environmentalist.
Keep honking. I’m reloading.
I have PMS and a handgun. Any questions?
Nothing is impossible to the person who doesn’t have to do it.
Driver carries less than $20 in ammunition.
It’s all a pigment of your hallucination.
If you’re feeling good, don’t worry, you’ll get over it.
Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
Don’t steal. The government hates competition.
When all else fails - manipulate the data.
Why be difficult. Be impossible.
Due to budget cuts, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.
I am not speeding. I am qualifying.
Poli-tics. Poli meaning many, ticks meaning small blood sucking parasites.
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you.
Life is like a straw. It sucks.
I drive like this to piss you off.
Suicide is a way of telling God, “You can’t fire me, I quit!!!
If its tourist season, does that mean we can shoot them?
I don’t drive fast - I fly low.
Save the planet, recycle an environmentalist.
Keep honking. I’m reloading.
I have PMS and a handgun. Any questions?
Nothing is impossible to the person who doesn’t have to do it.
Driver carries less than $20 in ammunition.
It’s all a pigment of your hallucination.
If you’re feeling good, don’t worry, you’ll get over it.
Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
blackduck
Not so new Member
Subject: Why?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilised needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
What is the speed of darkness?
Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at the Special Olympics?
If you send someone 'Styrofoam', how do you pack it?
If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide, is it a hostage situation?
Can you cry under water?
What level of importance must a person have, before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on bigger suitcases
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up, like, every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors, when they ask you to strip, leave the room or close the cubicle curtain while you change? They're still going to see you naked anyway.
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilised needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
What is the speed of darkness?
Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at the Special Olympics?
If you send someone 'Styrofoam', how do you pack it?
If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide, is it a hostage situation?
Can you cry under water?
What level of importance must a person have, before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on bigger suitcases
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up, like, every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors, when they ask you to strip, leave the room or close the cubicle curtain while you change? They're still going to see you naked anyway.
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