Runaways / A help thread .

[borntobnude]

As some may know we are having Issues with our 15 yr old daughter , its interesting to talk openly about your children doing really silly stuff and sitting back listening to everyone else's solutions to yor problem and to hear their problems also .


So for the un knowing . Our daughter has fallen in with a bunch of no hopers mostly homeless , some live with parents (mainly single) drug users -sellers alcoholics gronks . Funny but not what we had planned for our little girl . All of these people are known to police and we have had our daughter brought back to us a few times by them and they talk to her and try to explain how much better off she is staying home and away from these people . she has asked a few times for an AVO on me as I am a child basher ----- This is NOT true ------ the police and people that need to know this do !! . The people she is with are aged from 15 to 20 , the parents of these kids are obviously as silly as their children . Xmas eve ( Tuesday) she walked out of our home at 1;00pm told me she would be back by 4 ( I knew this would not happen , but said ok see you then ) and off she went . she returned at 8;00pm the following Monday Needless to say it was the worst xmas of our lives . But the thing that we find hard to believe is that the Adults of the house she was at Never tried to contact us ---as a parent this would be the First thing to do if a child was brought into our house to stay at any time But Xmas ?????

Yes she is gone again 2 days of school came home early on the first day and sat in her room until bed time the second day -- yesterday just didn't come home

That's my story lets talk about you !! did you do this to your family , is someone doing it to you or a friend

don't turn this into a rubbish thread please

as it may // or maynot become useful to someone

Thanks

 

[CrystalMoon]

I don't know if this will be any help at all, I did come from an abusive and strict family. To keep things from being too dramatic I will not go into too much detail. Suffice to say I was beaten badly as a child, I was not allowed any freedom or friends of my OWN choosing. At 17 I went through a very traumatic experience but couldnt talk to my parents, I had a nervous breakdown. My parents reacted in THEIR typical way and kept me away from all other unsupervised contact and under house arrest(enforced by them not police) I ended up by leaving home with only the clothes on my back(and a hoe, long story lol) My father sponsored the local Police football team so had them on my case for around a year, all it did was made me very anti going near them and I was continually on the run. I will say this, I did have very good sound morals instilled in me and a good basic knowledge of what excess alcohol and drugs could do to me and my wits. I did get into and out of sticky situations, and mostly used my common sense. A lot of people older and younger around me at the time did drugs and excess alcohol, It actually made me stop and look and realize I didnt want to be that out of control. That was then and this is now, I know things are a lot different. Maybe you can take heart in the foundations you have put down throughout her life and hope they will protect her in the long run. I know if were in your situation I would take my Daughter(I have my own) and take her on a long retreat in the wilderness and keep her there at least until we were communicating on a productive level. My reasoning behind this (and I have thought about it long and hard previously) is that it requires team work and trust and an aspect of relying on one another. I know life's commitments may not make this do-able. But I am saying it is what I would do, if in a similar situation (I am not exactly conventional lol) I might add that I am still estranged from my own parents, they are not very good at listening or supportive behavior even to this day. I really feel for you and your Daughter, it would be a heart breaking situation to go through. Good luck and keep us posted (hugs to you all)

 

[DarwinBrianT]

I really do feel for you in this, I hope it all works out. We have twin boys, 9 years old. We are strict but more then fair ( I think anyway, they might not agree. lol ) They love their Grandparents and we use them a lot to have talks to the kids about things they should and should not do and anything the kids want to talk to them about, it might be how unfair we are to them, maybe something going on at school. I think its great for them to have someone other then their parents to talk to and get trusted advice back from. They always take our side and back up what we have said which helps a lot when the kids hear it from them as well as us.
If the kids do something really bad I make them ring and tell the Grandparents. It kills them to have to do it and feel like they have let them down and is usually enough punishment for them to not do it again.
It's easy at their age for now but I'm not looking forward to the teenage years one bit. lol
Anyway I wish you all the best and sorry I can't offer any good advice for you.

 

[OldestMagician]

The only thing I can say about this (not having kids of my own) is that if you're a good parent, which it sounds like you are, then your morals and sense of right will undoubtedly rub off on her.
I was a horror from around 12-14, had a lot of anger and aggression bubbling under the surface and did a lot of things that make me ashamed now, but it's very difficult not to follow in your parents footsteps eventually and I ended up listening to the advice they gave me and taking them up on their offers of support.
It's a bit cliche but those friends will leave her life at some point and you'll be there for her.
Plus, at 15 your parents are idiots and then by the time you're 20 you realise that they've managed to have 40 years of useful life lessons in those past 5 years

 

[Newhere]

When I was your daughters age I left school because it was too hard, I'd had too many days off and its really hard to catch up and I felt really out of place because everyone else had already learned what I'd missed out on, if your daughter has been skipping school and missing lots of days then I dare say she will feel how I felt, my dad used to go off at me and flog me if the school rang him saying I wasn't there so I felt like I had nobody to talk to about it and no way to explain my situation and eventually one day my dad dropped me off at school and I went home grabbed all my stuff and left. The point of this story is you should just try and be her friend and not judge her and not make her feel alone or she will keep running away and everytime she does it will be even harder to come back and face you the next time.

I learned a lot of things and a lot of life lessons growing up on my own, I guess what you would call street smarts and selling/taking drugs was a big part of that but it set me back in life and its only when you look back you realise how stupid you were. I truly hope you get through to her and get her life back on the right track and I like crystals idea of a retreat or a long camping trip so you can form a friendship.

 

[thomasssss]

sorry to hear mate , when i was a teen i had an ex do the exact same thing when we broke up , if its any condolence she ended up coming to her senses eventually so stick to it

your actually lucky the police have managed to get her home , what happened with my ex was the police wouldn't actually physically take her cos she was over 16 ( only just but ) so all they could do was talk to try and talk her into going home and that didnt work

all the best

 

[borntobnude]

Just to add more . Our daughter is a slow learner ie at 15 she has the learning capabilities of a 12 yr old , yes she can hold a conversation and survive in the real world unless she has to count money -- understand a train timetable -- and a few other basics . at the moment she will take advice from any kid but anything an adult says goes straight through . We believe there is a bit of emotional blackmail going on with her friends -- most times we phone her we can hear them giving answers in the background .
As of now she has not missed much school , this is impressive as she knows that she must try to learn . She turns 16 in april and we fear that she may leave us then as the boy turns 18 and he will have to enter the work for dole scheme instead of just collecting his living away from home bonus from the government ,, we think she may go to supplement this money .

 

[Wing_Nut]

One of the most confounding issues in society, and a real credit to you for seeking to broaden your understanding and insight into the issue.

While I am not a parent of a teenager, I have two much younger siblings who are just on the other side of being teenagers.

As most teenagers go, they had loads of ups downs lefts rights and did all sorts of irrational and impulsive things that most people would cringe at. A few things that were evident and helped them through this stage of there lives were to:

Keep in mind that while they might look and move like adults, their minds are still developing and they will make mistakes but they will get there in time. Don't be too critical.

Don't say they can't do something. Even if the boyfriend is not someone you want your daughter to see, alienating her from him will only make it worse. Encourage them to spend time in a good environment, be it in yours, or at someone else's who is willing to help. Somewhere with some small level of supervision.

Enlist the help of other people her age who are more responsible and who will encourage her to explore the good things in life outside of the closed world she is in. Encourage travel, and expose them to the idea that there is a huge world filled with good people and opportunity.

If she's not ready to listen to advice, don't try and give it. Just listen and focus on what she does or doesn't say, when she needs advice, there is a good chance she'll ask for it. Sometimes the best way to speak is to write it down and give them a letter, something they can take away to their own space to read and think about.

Often overlooked, remind her you care for and love her. Surprising how they remember that when they need help, it might be just what's needed to keep the connection.

Keep the door open, be fair and realistic, give her as many tools as you can to stay safe. Offer choices, and alternative solutions, and support their choices as best you can.

Of the above, more often than not, I didn't see any difference in my siblings behaviour, but as time went on, after many tears, hospital runs, and all the bad stuff, they came out alright. Managed to stick in through school and are at the end of uni. They are good kids, believing that is half the battle. Showing them is the other half.

 

[PappaSmurf]

Sad to hear but all too common. I have 8 grand children now & 2 of my 3 kids were a real handful. Being a biker i actually had a great support network around me but the kids, my oldest daughter in particular didn't think that bikers were cool. Go figure. My son was another story he thought he was tougher than everyone & constantly tried to prove it & one day i found out that he was stealing from me for drugs & pushed me beyond my tolerance level & you can guess the rest. Hes is now 30 with an awesome job, 5 great kids, yes i said 5, & getting married this June. My elder daughter is now 25 with 3 kids & believe it or not is going out with a biker. My youngest who was always the good girl is still the good girl at 23.
What i'm trying to say is that they do eventually come around. Just DON'T give up on her.