Having/Not having Kids

[Just_Plain_Nuts]

Very difficult subject with far too many variables, I have seen people dead against kids get fully pressured into it by their spouse only to do a full 360 and absolutely adore their child and want more. And have seen parents that decide to have kids but arent prepared to sacrifice anything to have them ie put the kids in day care from 6 in the morning to 6 at night from six weeks of age to continue their career (I dont know why they bother having kids as they dont really see them). As far as being ready for them, you never will be. If you do have children you must be prepared to give them all of you and your love so choose wisely. Raising a child or children will be the hardest but most satisfying thing you will do. It comes with higher highs and lower lowes than anything else can give. If you and your partner disagree on this it will usually be the dealbreaker of all dealbreakers.....good luck. PS We are about to have our fourth....

 

[SYNeR]

Or the biggest one - creating a welfare based society/culture...

Eugenics FTW!

 

[the_tsar]

Your fear around having or not having kids is more to do with being tied to a responsibility that is hard to walk away from if you descide it isnt for you.

Unlike a job or relationship, this call of duty means we have to be more serious about job security and making sure money comes in, so in effect the child is putting expectaions about how we are to be in the future to care for a kid.

Unless you can kiss goodbye to they old way one used to live your way of life, where we are free to dump an unwelcome job at a whim, to spend money on ebay till it is gone, going out when you wanna....... unless you can accept that kids will eat into our time and wreck our stuff,..........then when you are able to let all that relative freeedom go, will child rearing be rewarding.

They are not expensive or particularly big time burgerlers, but they do eat into time and our ability to split for a day or night.

I just had one at 36 years old 4 months ago, and had your thoughts about kids.

I has one just because life seemed boring if I didnt give it a go.
Now I have one, they are fascinating, and please you no end with their weirdness.

This is hard to imagine when your kidless, and harder to think YOU could be entertained by it.

So I reckon, have kids when you see the constraints being trivial compared to the adventure of breeding.

They also unlock the mystery of babys, that was clueless about till I had one

 

[Mudimans]

I don't think if you had the kids, you'd regret it. If you didn't have them, it may be something you regret down the track when it's too late. If the mrs wants them, you should both have a long chat about it. No point deciding you want different things, and then 12 months later realising you wouldn't mind kids and you've missed your chance with that one girl.

I haven't read all of these pages, I will when I have some more time as this is a topic that gets to me a lot, as I too don't want to have children. As a married, 28 year old who not only works in a field where I'm surrounded by babies, but very much loves all the little kids in my life-a LOt of people tell me I should have children, or often that of course I WILL have children. Funny that people don't accept that some people just chose not to. I don't go around telling people that they're silly and will regret their decision to have a child, so why do people feel they can force their opinions on me regarding the subject!
Rider, I quote you because I believe I'd rather regret not having children than regret having them.
I could go on and on about the topic, but agree with spilota-variegata, that it's a personal choice!

 

[saximus]

I don't go around telling people that they're silly and will regret their decision to have a child, so why do people feel they can force their opinions on me regarding the subject!

Haha Mudimans that is a very profound statement and if you replace "have a child" with just about anything you get how I feel about just about all of my beliefs. I'm really happy that this thread didn't turn into a slinging match and people managed to continue to give their opinions/experiences without rubbishing anyone else's. If you'd prefer to talk in PM I'd love to hear your thoughts...

 

[Grogshla]

If i was filthy rich then i would love to have kids. Not to spoil them but to know that i can be there for them at any time and raise them to be the best people possible.

 

[eitak]

Just had a lecture about ageing etc. Apparently women who have given birth have much more pronounced muscle loss as they get older than women that haven't . . Also it can weaken your abdominal wall, which will increase the risk of hernias . . awesome

 

[Defective]

we're also more prone to prolapses as well if you've had kids.....wonder if soaking in sugar water and putting a bandaid over the prolapse will fix it?! hehehe

ohh and don't forget the stress incontinance!

 

[pythonmum]

All of the female problems are worse if you wait longer to have kids. Women who wait until their mid 30s are shocked to discover that their fertility has decreased and that complications increase. Our society is big on getting financially and professionally established, but we've forgotten basic biology. I had both of mine before 30 (just) with few problems. My sister had hers after and had a lot of trouble with the pregnancies.

Most people were surprised I had kids. They thought I'd have pets, not children. I've managed to have both and am glad I did. However, I can see why you would give it a miss, too. The main thing is to be sure you know why you are making the choice and that your partner is really on board, not just agreeing to make peace. If you are really not in agreement, it is a true deal-breaker.

 

[Defective]

mum had me at 31 and my sister when she was nearly 35. my stepmum had my second brother at 39

 

[Gecksta]

i am a kid we are hard work

 

[Renenet]

All of the female problems are worse if you wait longer to have kids. Women who wait until their mid 30s are shocked to discover that their fertility has decreased and that complications increase.

That's very true. I know someone who had her first in her very late 30s and she has all kinds of uncomfortable problems now. She really wanted that child, however, so the possible complications weren't at the forefront of her mind when she was trying to become pregnant.

They're certainly at the forefront of mine, which shows you where my priorities lie.

 

[Defective]

The other thing that has scared me is being a single parent. I saw how my mum struggled emotionally and financially with 2 kids under the age of 10 I don't want to be like that and I grew up thinking all men were twats and I've been to guarded to let someone into my life and after today on aps chat I'm even more wary of men

 

[MissVampz]

I know some people will probably disagree with me or tell me I should wait til I'm older, but I'm 20 this year and I know for sure that I could never devote my life to raising a child, I'm sure of this and have discussed it with my parents as well and they understand (lucky!) I know I get tired of people treating me like somehow there's something wrong with me for not wanting kids. But I'm deadset against having them. I just don't feel I could give up so much of my time and energy and money for a baby/child.

 

[HypnoticSlither]

i have been with my partner for 6 years... i do not want kids. hopefully get married someday. but yes definitely no kids for me.

 

[Recharge]

The other thing that has scared me is being a single parent. I saw how my mum struggled emotionally and financially with 2 kids under the age of 10 I don't want to be like that and I grew up thinking all men were twats and I've been to guarded to let someone into my life and after today on aps chat I'm even more wary of men

that's because we ARE all twats lol
but some of us do tend to have *some* redeeming qualities.
(my gf sure thinks so haha, at least when I'm not being stupid lol)

as for being too guarded, well, life is about taking risks or being forever alone.
all relationships have their problems, as does being single, only you can decide to take the risk or not, the longer you wait, the more you miss out on in experience (both good and bad) and all you're left with is regret.
take chances, date around, know your heart and self better, you're only cheating yourself if you hide away trying to be "safe"

children?
heh, that's a tough one, not for me personally, but each to their own.
too many people have them and fail them in SO many aspects, I think mainly because parents forever see their kid as the helpless baby/child, and never realise they're just little people who NEED to learn as much as they can.
and parents tend to want to hold on to that innocent childhood forever (or at least far too long) every child has the ability to be greater than Einstein but parents fail again and again to take advantage of a budding mind wanting to learn.
hell, simply look in these forum to see how badly parents do with education, it's not the schools, it's the parents who fail every time, take active interest in your children, help them to love to learn and teach them everything you can and give them everything you can to learn.
if your child grows up a dummy, it's you fault every single time, and there's millions to show you the wrong way, probably including yourself (I know I am not bright, but I do better than a lot of people, which scares me silly)
we aren't doing nearly enough for all our children, not enough time, not enough attention in the right areas and not nearly enough respect in who they could grow to be if we give it our all.

and think of adoption too, for at least one of your children, there are several thousand kids in the system as we speak, with almost no hope of ever having a decent home or loving parents, because they make it SO hard compared to just getting knocked up, and you WILL love an adopted child as much, and save a life from growing up in the system.

/rant

 

[sd1981]

saximus - this is a very individual decision to make & like others have stated, it's for life so don't come to your decision lightly.. if in doubt, don't do it as it's not fair to you, your partner or the kids.
i can only tell you of the joys that my 2 children have brought me in the 2 1/2 years since they were born. every thing they do is a miracle. every word they say, (well, not all of them), every look they give, every thing they do is a miracle. i noticed when other peoples kids are being a pain in the ....., i have a short temper. with your own kids thats different. my 2 1/2 yo daughter took a hammer to my brand new harley davidson tank the other day, i went off... "why did you do that to daddys bike?" "im fixing it daddy, of course".it made sense to me as she'd seen me 'fixing' things with a hammer before.
her help has cost me $800 for my bike, but im still the happiest guy around.
good luck with your decision.

 

[Elite_Reptiles]

Three words: "Don't Do It"!!!

 

[Red-Ink]

that's because we ARE all twats lol
but some of us do tend to have *some* redeeming qualities.
(my gf sure thinks so haha, at least when I'm not being stupid lol)

Heyyy??? that's not nice we are not all twats.. some of us are just plained old pricks lol

 

[Sezzzzzzzzz]

saximus - this is a very individual decision to make & like others have stated, it's for life so don't come to your decision lightly.. if in doubt, don't do it as it's not fair to you, your partner or the kids.
i can only tell you of the joys that my 2 children have brought me in the 2 1/2 years since they were born. every thing they do is a miracle. every word they say, (well, not all of them), every look they give, every thing they do is a miracle. i noticed when other peoples kids are being a pain in the ....., i have a short temper. with your own kids thats different. my 2 1/2 yo daughter took a hammer to my brand new harley davidson tank the other day, i went off... "why did you do that to daddys bike?" "im fixing it daddy, of course".it made sense to me as she'd seen me 'fixing' things with a hammer before.
her help has cost me $800 for my bike, but im still the happiest guy around.
good luck with your decision.

hahaha! thats something i can imagine my 2 1/2 yr old doing!!! lucky she is scared of daddy's 'big bike" as she calls it!