Love bites

[Puddlefish]

so Im feeling a lil lost..... 3yrs ago i came out of a really bad long term relationship that near almost killed me, i met an awesome guy about 7 months ago, thought we would give something a go... start as a lil bit of fun.. see where it leads.....During this 7months he went to the uk for 3 of them,came back, stayed with me for 2, moved into his own place n then for the last month he has been away due to other commitments.. Ive told him that im falling in love with him... i did not receive the response i was hoping. It wasnt a bad one.. hes just a not at the same point with his feelings yet,n i can understand that. yesterday was my birthday, he rang to say hello, after i got off the phone i cried, cos i realised in the last 7months, ive spent 5 of them just missing him, and then i know when he gets back, he will go back to his place which is a good hrs drive, i work 5days a week 8hrs a day, so the possibilities of being able to see him as much as i like are pretty slim. I want to be happy im with this guy, not sad when im not.I just dont know how to do this whole relationship thing.So im thinking im not ready for another relationship. Im not ready to go through all the feelings of missing someone, crying on my pillow,arguments,not knowing if they feel the same way you do,or knowing that they dont.Im not embracing loving this guy, love it making me sad. love shouldnt do that.I just cant work out,if maybe i just know in my heart that this isnt going to work, or if im using my fears and insecurities of previous bad experiences as an excuse to run and hide,to not put the effort into a relationship that it takes to make something beautiful work, to leave him and not open my heart up to the possibility of having to feel these feelings, and the possibility of getting hurt. Should i really be putting myself through these emotions for someone who cant say they love me yet,but says they want to make it work?Im sure all these feelings are normal, im sure everyone has them, but i dont know how to change them so that loving this guy is a positive thing in my life not a negative.To change it so that loving this guy makes me happy, not overwhelmed with feelings of insecurities. I can only relate and look back on previous experiences,and previous feelings of love which ultimately gave me good reason to feel, and know, the negative aspects of loving someone:shock:

 

[TahneeMaree]

*HUG* I'm afraid thats all I can give you, as I (and I'm sure many others) have not been able to find the answeres to very similar questions in the past

All I can say is don't rush into a decision, give it serious thought about if the times you ARE together, is it worth it to YOU. You can't see inside his head, maybe he's afraid? Maybe he DOES want to say it but can't... Men can be just as fickle as women, they rebound, they get afraid, they shut down when they feel pressured, etc They can also just be loosers too. Just don't rush it, give it time and I wish you the best of luck.

Love sucks! But we can't seem to live without it.

 

[Harmony67]

Should i really be putting myself through these emotions for someone who cant say they love me yet,but says they want to make it work?Im sure all these feelings are normal, im sure everyone has them, but i dont know how to change them so that loving this guy is a positive thing in my life not a negative.To change it so that loving this guy makes me happy, not overwhelmed with feelings of insecurities.

You know the answers.

It seems that you are saying you have strong feelings for this man but he does not fulfill your needs and you want him to.

A person can care for, be in a relationship with, even marry someone they do not love (or may love but not be in love with). Loving someone is possessing a certain type of caring and that in itself shouldn't hurt. There is something missing, it seems.

I can only relate and look back on previous experiences,and previous feelings of love which ultimately gave me good reason to feel, and know, the negative aspects of loving someone

It is hard to let go of that. I am in the most loving relationship I have ever been in and keep waiting for the bad stuff to happen. It is not going to happen as this is a different person than the one who hurt me....that is what I have to keep telling myself.

(BTW, I have strong feelings of love for a friend of mine who does not love me back. It took me years to admit to myself that the friendship is enough. Sometimes having a friend who cares is just as important as having a stronger relationship.)

I don't pretend to know what you are going through, but I hope you find what you need. We all deserve to be happy and loved.

 

[Chris1]

Love is as painful as you let it be, if 100% of your happiness depends on teh response of 1 person then that person has 100% control of your happiness.
love yourself, your friends, family and pets and dont let a partner or potential partner hold the key to your happiness.

Love sucks. so give ur heart to someone who deserves it.

maybe this guy thinks since u have those feelings fro him he has time to think, a guy my friend was interested in was 'thinking' for 7 years, cos she let him and she cried at least 3 times a week fro those 7 years.

she doesnt have a partner now but has emersed herself in fitness activities and i cant believe how happy that same person is after all that misery...

be good to urself, you dont need a guy to be somebody .

 

[Serpentes]

It's difficult, Puddlefish. I wish you all the best, one day that pit of despair will not be so deep.
Scott.

 

[Puddlefish]

Is he not fulfilling my needs because I mentally am not opening myself up to letting him do this.. I mean, hes an awesome guy, the kind of guy ive been looking for. Hes never given me a reason to feel insecure, im making myself feel that way.
Im aware of what its like to be in a relationship where you love someone, but are not in love with them. that was the basis of my last relationship.. we had been in love, we did love eachother, but we fell out of love,and it was a security thing on why we stayed together for longer than we should have. out of fear of the unknown i spose..In the end.. we grew to hate eachother.

Something is missing from this relationship that i wish was there.but i feel it is myself that is causing whatever is missing to be missing. And that i dont know how to communicate with him, to express these feelings without fear of judgement or rejection. As soon as i mulled over the thought that i was falling for this guy, and then told him, I started to feel confused and put up some kind of block stop whatever is missing in. Before I knew I was falling in love with him...everything was perfect. Coming to the realisation that my heart was open again... has scared the living crap out of me, and brought these emotions out.

It is hard to let go of that. I am in the most loving relationship I have ever been in and keep waiting for the bad stuff to happen. It is not going to happen as this is a different person than the one who hurt me....that is what I have to keep telling myself.

This is what i feel I need to be doing... that im just afriad,because im conditioned to expecting the worst, that whenever he doesnt call me when he said he would... its not because he is like my ex and is sleeping around.. its because he is genuinely busy and has not had the time as of yet.
Im use to it always turning out to be the worst case scenario and its hard to get my head around the fact that he is not my ex, hes not a.....so n so...... and i should be giving the benefit of doubt.And that just because he doesnt love me now.. doesnt mean he never will, im well aware he has had troubled relationships before as well, and that he too would have fears and worries of his own, and probably doesnt want to open his heart up to getting hurt until he knows its worth it either.that really, we havent been together all that long, and that i should give him some time, not forever...but at least a little.

I struggle when hes not around. I just want to spend time with him, and then when i do have time with him, i feel in some ways i take it for granted, in little ways, like not staying in bed just that lil bit longer n just lying there with him,and as much as i want to tell him i love him, whenever we part ways, or say goodbye on the phone, i feel i need to bite my tongue to not make him feel pressured to say it too, I dont want him to tell me he loves me as a response to me telling him, i want him to say it because he means it.. so the fact he hasnt isnt a bother,but being able to express my feelings without scaring him away, or making him feel uncomfortable or pressured or afraid I dont know how to do.I feel like ive had to step back, and put my heart and emotions in his hands and just let him play with,and work with it for awhile
How do you express feelings that are strong, without smothering someone?
ohhhhhhhhhhh the pain of it allllllllll.
Curse you heart and all the emotions you bring to my otherwise closed self.
ima stop babbling now

 

[wranga]

sorry that this guy isnt living up to all that you hoped. you have told him off your feelings and he didnt respond how you hoped. he only called you for your birthday and didnt do anything special for you. he can spend months away from you and is happy living an hour from you. sorry but its time to finish it with this guy and enjoy your life till the right guy comes along, and can tell you what you want to hear and make you feel special

 

[waruikazi]

Puddlefish... Just relax and enoy what is there. The single biggest turn off for a guy is overwhelming neediness. If he isn't what you want at the moment have the balls to walk away.

 

[Weezer]

Puddlefish... Just relax and enoy what is there. The single biggest turn off for a guy is overwhelming neediness. If he isn't what you want at the moment have the balls to walk away.

The Love Doctor is in the house.

 

[Allies_snakes]

Damn..I thought this was pics of snake bites and blood......

You want a guy that is the opposite to everything that you have stated here honey. He is not the one for you. You will know him when he comes along, and he wont be anything like that guy. Good luck with it...and... Dont go looking, that is when you least expect and usually meet one...chin up girlfriend

 

[Asharee133]

Damn..I thought this was pics of snake bites and blood......

You want a guy that is the opposite to everything that you have stated here honey. He is not the one for you. You will know him when he comes along, and he wont be anything like that guy. Good luck with it...and... Dont go looking, that is when you least expect and usually meet one...chin up girlfriend

LOL same. you'll find someone loviee theres always an opposite to us, you'll find him sooner or later
cheer up
Ash.

 

[grannieannie]

I agree with comment #7.....he has you in his pocket sweetheart.....you need to be in someones heart, not their pocket.....break free, you're young......I didn't find my TRUE LOVE till I was 38....married him when I was 40.....though before that I was married for about 18 years and had 2 children.............. be gentle with yourself, but walk away from this one. xxxxx hugs.

 

[JupiterCreek]

There was a cool line in an episode of How I Met Your Mother. Ted's ex-fiance said not to worry, the right person for him was out there and they'd be there with him just as soon as they could.

Don't settle for second best, Puddlefish. Be strong and powerful forces will come to your aid. ;-)

 

[shellfisch]

I have to say I'm impressed....and a little surprised. I didn't think there would be so much insight, patience and caring...on a reptile forum!

I have no pearls of wisdom to offer. You guys seem to have it covered. I have been happily married for a VERY long time. I have never wanted to leave my husband.
I have wanted to kick his head in several times though....