Friday Funny - Australian Tourism
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FROGGIESrCUTEo_O
Well-Known Member
lol they're good
redbellybite
Almost Legendary
you just wish you were aussie ...........lol no matter we still love how kiwi folk even if our sheep are scared and you have a funny accint...........:lol::lol::lol:Why do seagulls fly upside down over Australia...
Cause it ain't worth crapping on
redbellybite
Almost Legendary
.........and crappy jokes ..........................but a great netball team
redbellybite
Almost Legendary
The Black Panties …..
Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago.
Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.
Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replied, 'Mom I have someone for you to meet.'
Well, it was an immediate hit.
They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont .
Their first night there, she undressed as he did.
There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.
Looking her over, he asked, 'Why the black panties?'
She replied: 'My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning.'
He knew he was not getting lucky that night.
The following night was the same -- she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit -- but now he was wearing a black condom.
She looked at him and asked: 'What's with the black condom?'
He replied, 'I want to offer my deepest condolences.’...........classic
Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago.
Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.
Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replied, 'Mom I have someone for you to meet.'
Well, it was an immediate hit.
They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont .
Their first night there, she undressed as he did.
There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.
Looking her over, he asked, 'Why the black panties?'
She replied: 'My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning.'
He knew he was not getting lucky that night.
The following night was the same -- she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit -- but now he was wearing a black condom.
She looked at him and asked: 'What's with the black condom?'
He replied, 'I want to offer my deepest condolences.’...........classic
dtulip10
Very Well-Known Member
funny funny guys
redbellybite
Almost Legendary
>>
>> The Aussie Condom
>>
>> Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of NZ, is rudley awoken at 4am by the PH
>>
>> Hillen, its the Hilth Musister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but
>> there is an emergency! I've just received word thet the Durex fectory en
>> Auckland has burned to the ground. It is ittimated thet the entire NZ
>> supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week.
>>
>> PM: Shut - the economy will niver be able to copy with all those unwanted
>> babies- ei'll be ruined!
>>
>> Hitlh Minister: We're going to hef to shup some in from abroad...
>> Brutain?...
>>
>> PM: 'No Chence'... The poms will have a field day on thus one!!
>>
>> Hilth Minister: What about australia?
>>
>> PM; Maybe - but we dont want them to know thet we are stuck!!
>>
>> Hilth MInister: You call Kevin Rudd - tell hum we need one moolion
>> condoms,
>> ten enches long and eight enches thuck! That way they'll know how bug the
>> kiwis really are!!
>>
>> Helen calls Kevin, who agrees to help the kiwis out in their hour of
>> need.
>>
>> Three days later a van arrives in Auckland - full of boxes. A delighted
>> Hillen rushes out to open the boxes. She finds condoms, 10 unches long
>> and
>> 8 unches thick, all coloured green and gold. She then notices in small
>> writing on each and ivery one....
>>
>> MADE IN AUSTRALIA- SIZE MEDIUM
>> OZZIE OZZIE OZZIE - OY OY OY..........YEAHHHHHH BABBBBYYYYYY!
>> The Aussie Condom
>>
>> Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of NZ, is rudley awoken at 4am by the PH
>>
>> Hillen, its the Hilth Musister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but
>> there is an emergency! I've just received word thet the Durex fectory en
>> Auckland has burned to the ground. It is ittimated thet the entire NZ
>> supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week.
>>
>> PM: Shut - the economy will niver be able to copy with all those unwanted
>> babies- ei'll be ruined!
>>
>> Hitlh Minister: We're going to hef to shup some in from abroad...
>> Brutain?...
>>
>> PM: 'No Chence'... The poms will have a field day on thus one!!
>>
>> Hilth Minister: What about australia?
>>
>> PM; Maybe - but we dont want them to know thet we are stuck!!
>>
>> Hilth MInister: You call Kevin Rudd - tell hum we need one moolion
>> condoms,
>> ten enches long and eight enches thuck! That way they'll know how bug the
>> kiwis really are!!
>>
>> Helen calls Kevin, who agrees to help the kiwis out in their hour of
>> need.
>>
>> Three days later a van arrives in Auckland - full of boxes. A delighted
>> Hillen rushes out to open the boxes. She finds condoms, 10 unches long
>> and
>> 8 unches thick, all coloured green and gold. She then notices in small
>> writing on each and ivery one....
>>
>> MADE IN AUSTRALIA- SIZE MEDIUM
>> OZZIE OZZIE OZZIE - OY OY OY..........YEAHHHHHH BABBBBYYYYYY!
redbellybite
Almost Legendary
Summer Classes for Men at
The Odell Weeks
ADULT LEARNING CENTER
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
by Friday, October 3rd 2008
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM
Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
The Odell Weeks
ADULT LEARNING CENTER
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
by Friday, October 3rd 2008
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM
Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
Class 5
Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM
Class 6
Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
Class 7
Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places
And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Class 8
Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined
Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
Class 11
Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined
Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 14
The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
I LOVE THIS LMAO....
pete12
Well-Known Member
here is one
What do you call a good looking Arab................Asif
What do you call a good looking Arab................Asif
slim6y
Almost Legendary
Why are camels called ships of the desert?
Because they're full of arab seaman!
Because they're full of arab seaman!
i_LoVe_AnImAlS
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i've had an e-mail with those on it but they still crack me up each time i read them ROFLMAO
euphorion
Very Well-Known Member
lol, good ones guys. love reading the NZ accent, oh SHUT! heheh
was rewatching Jurassic Park today, and so i am stealing these dreadful lines;
what do you call a blind dinosaur?
a do-you-think-he-saurus
what do you call a blind dinosaur's dog?
a do-you-think-he-saurus-rex
bah dum chi!
was rewatching Jurassic Park today, and so i am stealing these dreadful lines;
what do you call a blind dinosaur?
a do-you-think-he-saurus
what do you call a blind dinosaur's dog?
a do-you-think-he-saurus-rex
bah dum chi!
slim6y
Almost Legendary
Oh shet... i forgot I was in Australia.... Must put on my accent so I don't get caught out...
Mate.. go to me fredge and get me a bevvie woodcha but.
Must add the word 'but' to the end of each sentence but.
True that.
Anyways - kiwi accents:
[video=youtube;ZdVHZwI8pcA]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZdVHZwI8pcA[/video]
Mate.. go to me fredge and get me a bevvie woodcha but.
Must add the word 'but' to the end of each sentence but.
True that.
Anyways - kiwi accents:
[video=youtube;ZdVHZwI8pcA]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZdVHZwI8pcA[/video]
slim6y
Almost Legendary
Hehehe - one of the best jokes yet.... but...
slim6y
Almost Legendary
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for Six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet, replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance".
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth.
"For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot."
"Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people" God continued, pointing to different countries. "And over there, I call this place America.
North America will be rich and powerful and cold, while South America will be poor, and hot and friendly. And the little spot in the middle is Central America which is a Hot spot. Can you see the balance?"
"Yes" said the Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then he pointed to a smallish land mass and asked, "What's that one?"
"Ah" said God. "That's New Zealand, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, rainforests, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast line. The people are good looking, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super- human, undefeatable, strong in character citizens who will be admired and feared by all who come across them".
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then exclaimed, "You said there will be BALANCE!"
God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the buggers I'm putting next to them"
An old one... but clearly one of the best... and it can't be changed around.... It's definitely either Scotland vs England or NZ vs Aussie...
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet, replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance".
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth.
"For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot."
"Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people" God continued, pointing to different countries. "And over there, I call this place America.
North America will be rich and powerful and cold, while South America will be poor, and hot and friendly. And the little spot in the middle is Central America which is a Hot spot. Can you see the balance?"
"Yes" said the Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then he pointed to a smallish land mass and asked, "What's that one?"
"Ah" said God. "That's New Zealand, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, rainforests, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast line. The people are good looking, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super- human, undefeatable, strong in character citizens who will be admired and feared by all who come across them".
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then exclaimed, "You said there will be BALANCE!"
God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the buggers I'm putting next to them"
An old one... but clearly one of the best... and it can't be changed around.... It's definitely either Scotland vs England or NZ vs Aussie...
slim6y
Almost Legendary
A passenger plane traveling to California is suddenly hit with a severe engine problem and plummets into the Pacific Ocean.
The impact is such that the plane is ripped apart leaving only one man alive. After hours of swimming he spies an island and drags himself up onto the sandy shores.
Though he is half drowned and aware that he is thousands of miles from home, he cannot but admire the beauty of the island he has found himself on.
Looking down the beach he sees a figure lying on the beach, another survivor from the crash. He runs over and sees that she is not breathing, so quickly he gives her the kiss of life. After several attempts she coughs into life. As she wipes the hair from her face he now can see who it is...its Kylie Minogue!
Forever grateful to him for saving her life, they strike up an immediate bond, and over the following weeks, while stranded on the island, they fall madly in love. One day Kylie is walking down the beach and notices her new
found love sitting on the rocks by the beach, staring out to sea, with a look of sorrow on his face. She wanders over to him, and asks what is wrong. "Kylie," he says, "The last few weeks have been the greatest of my life. We've found this island paradise. We have all the food and water we could require, and I have you, but still I can't help feeling there's something missing."
Kylie replies: "What my darling? What is it that you need? I'll do anything".
"Well there is one thing. Would you mind putting on my shirt?"
"OK"
"And my trousers?"
"OK"
At this point he gets up and grabs some charcoal from the ground, and draws a neat moustache on her lips. "OK... Can you start to walk around the island, and I'll set off the other way and meet you half way."
"OK dear, whatever will make you happy?"
So off they set. After an hour walking he eventually sees her heading towards him along the beach, at which point he breaks into a sprint, runs up to her, grabs her by the shoulders and shouts:
"Hey mate, you won't believe who I'm shagging'!!
The impact is such that the plane is ripped apart leaving only one man alive. After hours of swimming he spies an island and drags himself up onto the sandy shores.
Though he is half drowned and aware that he is thousands of miles from home, he cannot but admire the beauty of the island he has found himself on.
Looking down the beach he sees a figure lying on the beach, another survivor from the crash. He runs over and sees that she is not breathing, so quickly he gives her the kiss of life. After several attempts she coughs into life. As she wipes the hair from her face he now can see who it is...its Kylie Minogue!
Forever grateful to him for saving her life, they strike up an immediate bond, and over the following weeks, while stranded on the island, they fall madly in love. One day Kylie is walking down the beach and notices her new
found love sitting on the rocks by the beach, staring out to sea, with a look of sorrow on his face. She wanders over to him, and asks what is wrong. "Kylie," he says, "The last few weeks have been the greatest of my life. We've found this island paradise. We have all the food and water we could require, and I have you, but still I can't help feeling there's something missing."
Kylie replies: "What my darling? What is it that you need? I'll do anything".
"Well there is one thing. Would you mind putting on my shirt?"
"OK"
"And my trousers?"
"OK"
At this point he gets up and grabs some charcoal from the ground, and draws a neat moustache on her lips. "OK... Can you start to walk around the island, and I'll set off the other way and meet you half way."
"OK dear, whatever will make you happy?"
So off they set. After an hour walking he eventually sees her heading towards him along the beach, at which point he breaks into a sprint, runs up to her, grabs her by the shoulders and shouts:
"Hey mate, you won't believe who I'm shagging'!!
slim6y
Almost Legendary
Sorry - i forgot this was about Australian tourism:
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asked, "And what are those"?
The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asked, "And what are those"?
The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?
I like that
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