Friday Funny

[Firepac]

I know this has been around for a few years, but it still appeals to my sense of humour and there must be some who haven't seen it before....


Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.
After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-feet-per-minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF is always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
*
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics..
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
And the best one for last
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget

 

[Wally]

It's been awhile but it still made me chuckle.

 

[shellfisch]

I haven't seen it, and it gave me a giggle! :lol:

 

[slim6y]

To help RBB get over her guilt:

A blind man makes his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.
After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a joke about an ugly Australian?

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky
voice, the man next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I
think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five
things:

1. The bartender is a big Australian with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a big "Aussie biker."
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 100kg Aussie bloke with a black belt in karate.
4. The man sitting next to me is an Australian and a professional weight-lifter
5. The man to your right is an Aussie and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously Mister, Do you still wanna tell that joke?

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,
"Nah...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

 

[slim6y]

But to even it out...

Melbourne Zoo had acquired a female of a very rare species of Gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the Zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was on heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the Zoo management noticed Kevin, a big Kiwi lad, responsible for fixing the Zoo's machinery. Kevin, like most Kiwis, had little sense, but seemed to be possessed with ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species. So, the Zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Kevin was approached with a proposition - would he be willing to give the gorilla some nice company for the night for $500?

Kevin showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Kevin announced that he would accept their offer, only under three conditions: "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kuss er. Sicondly, you must niver tull anyone about thus."

The Zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition. "Wull," said Kevin, "You gotta give me another wik to come up with the $500."

 

[LiasisKing]

pmsl. that is all :O