redbellybite
Almost Legendary
Mohammed heard one of his wives was leaving him, so he rushed home where he found her on the carpet in front of the tent with her belongings; he sat beside her and said, “I heard you were planning to leave me?”
She replied, “Yes, I heard your other wives saying you were a pedophile!”
Mohammed thinks for a minute or so and then responds, “that's a mighty big word for a 6 year old."
DIARY OF A POMMIE IN WESTERN AUSTRALIA .
August 31 - Just got transferred with work from Leeds UK to our new home in Karratha, Western Australia . Now this is a town that knows how to live! Beautiful,
sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched the sunset from a deckchair by the pool yesterday. It was beautiful. I've finally found my new home. I love
it here.
September 13 - Really heating up now. It got to 31 today. No problem though. Living in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned car. What a pleasure
to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a sun-worshipper.
September 30th - Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. No more mowing lawns for me. Another scorcher today,
but I love it here.
October 10th - The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it's windy though. Keeps the
flies off a bit. Acclimatizing is taking longer than I expected.
October 15th - Fell asleep by the pool yesterday. Got third degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed three days of work. What a dumb thing to do! Got
to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.
October 20th - Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before I left for work this morning. By the time I got back to the car after work,
Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stuck to the upholstery. The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat ****. I've earned my
lesson though: no more pets in this heat.
October 25 - This wind is a bastard. It feels like a giant ******n' blow dryer. And it's hot as hell! The home air conditioner is on the blink and the repair
man charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needs to order parts from ******n' Perth ....
October 30th - The temperature's up around 40 and the parts still haven't arrived for the ******n' aircon. Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights
now. Bloody $600,000 house and we can't even go inside. Why the hell did I ever come here?
November 4 - Finally got the ol' aircon fixed. It cost $1,500 and gets the temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makes it feel about
30. Stupid repairman.
November 8 - If one more smart **** says 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to ******n' throttle him. ******n' heat! By the time I get to work, the car's
radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking ******n' wet and I smell like baked cat!
November 9 Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat on the black leather upholstery in the ol' car. I thought my ******n' **** was on fire.
I lost two layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my legs and my ******n' ****. Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried **** and baked cat!
November 10 - Weather report! It might as well be a ******n' recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny, Hot and ******n' sunny! It's been too hot to do anything
for two ******n' months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.
November 15 - Doesn't it ever rain in this damn ******n' place? Water restrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry up and blow
into the ******n' pool. The only things that thrive in this hell-hole are the ******n' flies. You don't dare open your mouth for fear of swallowing half a
dozen of the ******ers!
November 20th - Welcome to HELL! It got to 45 ******in' degrees today. Now the air conditioner's gone in my car. The repair man came to fix it and said,
'Hot enough for you today?' I had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail me out of jail for assaulting the stupid ******er. ******in' Karratha! What
kind of sick, demented ******in' idiot would want to live here!
December 1 -
wTf !!!! The first day of Summer!!!!
8th Place
In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of
water, after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate
to retrieve his car keys.
7th Place
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he
ran", accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.
6th Place
While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for
protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the
bottom, when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People
on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but
could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment
almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at hospital.
5th Place
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed, as he fell through the ceiling of a
bicycle shop that he was robbing. Death was caused, when the long torch he
had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free, rammed into the base
of his skull as he hit the floor.
4th Place
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed, as he won a bet with friends
who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his
mouth and pull the trigger.
3rd Place
After walking around a marked police patrol car, parked at the front
door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms, intent on robbing the
store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was
standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber
announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.
The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire and several customers
also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the
scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended
cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23
gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds From 7 different weapons.
No one else was hurt.
HONOURABLE MENTION
Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie, were bored, just driving around
at 2 a.m. So they lit a stick of dynamite to toss out the window to
see what would happen. Apparently, they failed to notice that the window was
closed.
RUNNER UP
Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends, when one of them
said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in
the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least
10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 a.m. Upon
arrival at the midpoint of the bridge, they discovered that no one had
brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking,
volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby.
They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other (!)
to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and
tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into
the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot
was never located.
AND THE WINNER IS..........
Zookeeper, Friedrich Riesfeldt, ( Paderborn , Germany), fed his
constipated elephant, 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a
bushel of berries, figs and prunes, before the plugged-up pachyderm
finally got relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was
attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema, when the
relieved beast unloaded.
The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr.
Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock, as the
elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him.
*It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves....
'**** happens'*
IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING
THEMSELVES FROM THE GENE POOL!
She replied, “Yes, I heard your other wives saying you were a pedophile!”
Mohammed thinks for a minute or so and then responds, “that's a mighty big word for a 6 year old."
DIARY OF A POMMIE IN WESTERN AUSTRALIA .
August 31 - Just got transferred with work from Leeds UK to our new home in Karratha, Western Australia . Now this is a town that knows how to live! Beautiful,
sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched the sunset from a deckchair by the pool yesterday. It was beautiful. I've finally found my new home. I love
it here.
September 13 - Really heating up now. It got to 31 today. No problem though. Living in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned car. What a pleasure
to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a sun-worshipper.
September 30th - Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. No more mowing lawns for me. Another scorcher today,
but I love it here.
October 10th - The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it's windy though. Keeps the
flies off a bit. Acclimatizing is taking longer than I expected.
October 15th - Fell asleep by the pool yesterday. Got third degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed three days of work. What a dumb thing to do! Got
to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.
October 20th - Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before I left for work this morning. By the time I got back to the car after work,
Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stuck to the upholstery. The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat ****. I've earned my
lesson though: no more pets in this heat.
October 25 - This wind is a bastard. It feels like a giant ******n' blow dryer. And it's hot as hell! The home air conditioner is on the blink and the repair
man charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needs to order parts from ******n' Perth ....
October 30th - The temperature's up around 40 and the parts still haven't arrived for the ******n' aircon. Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights
now. Bloody $600,000 house and we can't even go inside. Why the hell did I ever come here?
November 4 - Finally got the ol' aircon fixed. It cost $1,500 and gets the temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makes it feel about
30. Stupid repairman.
November 8 - If one more smart **** says 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to ******n' throttle him. ******n' heat! By the time I get to work, the car's
radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking ******n' wet and I smell like baked cat!
November 9 Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat on the black leather upholstery in the ol' car. I thought my ******n' **** was on fire.
I lost two layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my legs and my ******n' ****. Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried **** and baked cat!
November 10 - Weather report! It might as well be a ******n' recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny, Hot and ******n' sunny! It's been too hot to do anything
for two ******n' months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.
November 15 - Doesn't it ever rain in this damn ******n' place? Water restrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry up and blow
into the ******n' pool. The only things that thrive in this hell-hole are the ******n' flies. You don't dare open your mouth for fear of swallowing half a
dozen of the ******ers!
November 20th - Welcome to HELL! It got to 45 ******in' degrees today. Now the air conditioner's gone in my car. The repair man came to fix it and said,
'Hot enough for you today?' I had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail me out of jail for assaulting the stupid ******er. ******in' Karratha! What
kind of sick, demented ******in' idiot would want to live here!
December 1 -
wTf !!!! The first day of Summer!!!!
8th Place
In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of
water, after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate
to retrieve his car keys.
7th Place
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he
ran", accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.
6th Place
While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for
protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the
bottom, when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People
on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but
could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment
almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at hospital.
5th Place
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed, as he fell through the ceiling of a
bicycle shop that he was robbing. Death was caused, when the long torch he
had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free, rammed into the base
of his skull as he hit the floor.
4th Place
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed, as he won a bet with friends
who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his
mouth and pull the trigger.
3rd Place
After walking around a marked police patrol car, parked at the front
door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms, intent on robbing the
store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was
standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber
announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.
The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire and several customers
also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the
scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended
cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23
gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds From 7 different weapons.
No one else was hurt.
HONOURABLE MENTION
Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie, were bored, just driving around
at 2 a.m. So they lit a stick of dynamite to toss out the window to
see what would happen. Apparently, they failed to notice that the window was
closed.
RUNNER UP
Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends, when one of them
said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in
the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least
10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 a.m. Upon
arrival at the midpoint of the bridge, they discovered that no one had
brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking,
volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby.
They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other (!)
to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and
tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into
the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot
was never located.
AND THE WINNER IS..........
Zookeeper, Friedrich Riesfeldt, ( Paderborn , Germany), fed his
constipated elephant, 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a
bushel of berries, figs and prunes, before the plugged-up pachyderm
finally got relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was
attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema, when the
relieved beast unloaded.
The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr.
Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock, as the
elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him.
*It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves....
'**** happens'*
IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING
THEMSELVES FROM THE GENE POOL!
