Effects of a Pocket Taser Stun Gun - funny!

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by tan, Aug 22, 2008.

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  1. tan

    tan Very Well-Known Member

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    I don't ususally put chit chatty things up, but I literally had tears rolling down my face from this one..... needless to say I asked hubby for one;) Very well written:lol:

    Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased
    His lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

    Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
    My interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking
    For a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was
    A 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized taser. The effects of the taser were
    Supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant,
    Allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....?? WAY TOO COOL!

    Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
    I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
    Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button

    AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue
    Arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
    Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on
    The face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy,
    Thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two
    Triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie
    Looking on intently (trusting Little soul) while I was reading the
    Directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a
    Flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if

    I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
    So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
    Perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and
    Taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would
    Shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to
    Cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second
    Burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a
    Fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting
    The batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device
    Measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty
    Cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries)
    Thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

    What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...

    I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
    Side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from
    Such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give
    Myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to
    My naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . .
    WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!
    I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
    Up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
    Over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,
    With tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
    Nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
    Position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I
    Had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the
    Fireplace, obviously in an atempt to avoid getting slammed by my body
    Flopping all over the living room.

    Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one
    Note Of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap
    Yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand
    By a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be
    Considered conservative?
    SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
    A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was an
    irrelative thing at
    That point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
    Surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of
    The fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from
    Where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
    Twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my
    Bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
    Apparently I soiled myself, but was too numb to know for sure as my sense
    of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I
    believe was came from my hair. I'm still looking for my jibblies and I'm
    offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

    P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!



     
  2. caustichumor

    caustichumor Very Well-Known Member

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    I have read that one before, classic though and I got another laugh out of it...
     
  3. Trouble

    Trouble Very Well-Known Member

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    :lol::lol::lol::lol::lol: Bloody funny as hell.... thanks heaps for the laugh!
    Do you mind if I forward this on to some of my friends.?

    Again, thanks for the laugh :lol::lol:
     
  4. Rocky

    Rocky Very Well-Known Member

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    BAHAHAHHA that was great! I zapped myself with a home made disposable camera one, and yeah, it hurts!
    Thanks Tan!
     
  5. gonff

    gonff Well-Known Member

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    year i've seen that one before! funny as!
     
  6. TWENTY B

    TWENTY B Very Well-Known Member

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    you have never laughed until you have seen something like this in real life..

    omfg it's so good
     
  7. Mrs I

    Mrs I Very Well-Known Member

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    That is so funny !!

    Thanks for the laugh
     
  8. daniel1234

    daniel1234 Very Well-Known Member

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    2 + 2 will always = 4 but thank god for those who can't ad up:D:D:D

    And thank god it wasn't me doin the math!
     
  9. ScalyMung

    ScalyMung Active Member

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    I had tears rolling down my face. It's the stupid thing that i would do to myself [ i always test things on myself first to see how good or bad it is] yea i know im pretty stupid or inquisitive?

    Deano :D:D:D
     
  10. Danny.Boy

    Danny.Boy Active Member

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    to be honest, i'd have tested it on myself too, however everybody knows that electricity contracts the muscles so i would have got a mate to give me the shock.

    curiosity is a dangerous thing :p
     
  11. Noongato

    Noongato Very Well-Known Member

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    Occaisionally i touch the wrong part on the Tattoo machine and get a rude shock. Hahaha
     
  12. wiz-fiz

    wiz-fiz Very Well-Known Member

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    so funny!

    will
     
  13. kandi

    kandi Well-Known Member

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    that is funny, i laughed till i had tears in my eyes then laughed harder that i had to wipe them away and am now still chuckling
     
  14. FNQ_Snake

    FNQ_Snake Suspended Banned

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    Ha ha ha, *wipes tears from his eys*
     
  15. kakariki

    kakariki Very Well-Known Member

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    Thanks Tan. That was pure gold! Now I just need to stop laughing! :lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:
    I had a similar reaction with an electiric fence unit & a puddle of water in the dairy........:shock::shock: .......
     
  16. Stergo

    Stergo Not so new Member

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    Thanks for the laugh.
     
  17. pythons73

    pythons73 Suspended Banned

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    Well i better not buy my kids 1,ha ha ha,just joking.
     
  18. dragon lady

    dragon lady Suspended Banned

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    i wants one too!

    that took so long to read i was laughing too much!...lmao:lol::lol::lol::lol::p
     
  19. Clairebear

    Clairebear Well-Known Member

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    my mate got me with one of those for a fraction of a second but luckily the battery was running pretty low. I am a woose however and nearly cried from the shock hahaha
     
  20. tan

    tan Very Well-Known Member

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    Like the army tank game Corie made you play bear? hehe:twisted:
     
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