good old Kiwi jokes....

[redbellybite]

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a Small village and sees a local sitting on his verandah patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi

'G'day mate, mind if I talk to your dog?'

Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'

Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock) :shock:

Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)

Dog: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief) :shock::shock::shock:

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.' :|

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Cool'

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded) :?:?

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)

Horse: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,
Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the Elements.'

Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Kiwi: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a ********* liar……':evil::evil::evil:

 

[pinkmus]

ROFL !!!:lol::lol:

 

[frogmancorey56]

lollollol
10*lol

 

[LullabyLizard]

Hahahaha :lol: :lol:

 

[boxhead]

hahahahaha:lol::lol::lol:

 

[Camo]

:lol:

 

[mebebrian]

So next time you're enjoying your roast lamb, and the gravy starts to run down your chin.... Think of us Kiwi's.
:lol::lol:

 

[redbellybite]

well you know Brian over here in OZ we shear our sheep but in NZ you guys dont "shear em" with anyone ! you know us Aussies love our brother kiwis xxxxxxxxxx

 

[Vat69]

So next time you're enjoying your roast lamb, and the gravy starts to run down your chin.... Think of us Kiwi's.
:lol::lol:

And this ^^ is why we need a *retch* emoticon.

 

[itbites]

lmao

 

[mebebrian]

How bout this one:

Kiwi bloke was on earth doing the Haka. Somewhere in space, Aliens were watching this unusual dance.

"Kamate, kamate, ka-ora, ka-ora......"

The Aliens were very interested and they wanted to see what would happen if they would take a part of his brain away without him even knowing. So with their alien technology they sent a laser beam down that hit the Kiwi's head and took a part of his brain away.

The Aliens then sat back to see what would happen.

"Ka-mate, ka-mate, ka-ora, ka-ora......."

What the??? The Aliens were amazed with what they were seeing. The Kiwi guy could operate with less than a full brain. So they decided to send the beam down and take another part of his brain. The Aliens watched on.

"Ka-mate, ka-mate, ka-ora, ka-ora......"

"WHAT!!!" the Aliens said to each other. "These Kiwis are very clever people even with half a brain. Let's see what happens if we take the rest of it away and leave him with no brain at all!"

So with a push of a button the Aliens sent the beam down and took away the final part of the Kiwi's brain.

"Now surely he won't know anything at all.He should be too dumb and stupid to do anything now?"

And sure enough, with no brain and no knowledge of anything at all as the Aliens watched on the bloke sang,





"WALTZING MATILDA, WALTZING MATILDA......"

 

[Jungletrans]

Biggest seller in NZ , velcro gloves .

 

[DanTheMan]

How bout this one:

Kiwi bloke was on earth doing the Haka. Somewhere in space, Aliens were watching this unusual dance.

"Kamate, kamate, ka-ora, ka-ora......"

The Aliens were very interested and they wanted to see what would happen if they would take a part of his brain away without him even knowing. So with their alien technology they sent a laser beam down that hit the Kiwi's head and took a part of his brain away.

The Aliens then sat back to see what would happen.

"Ka-mate, ka-mate, ka-ora, ka-ora......."

What the??? The Aliens were amazed with what they were seeing. The Kiwi guy could operate with less than a full brain. So they decided to send the beam down and take another part of his brain. The Aliens watched on.

"Ka-mate, ka-mate, ka-ora, ka-ora......"

"WHAT!!!" the Aliens said to each other. "These Kiwis are very clever people even with half a brain. Let's see what happens if we take the rest of it away and leave him with no brain at all!"

So with a push of a button the Aliens sent the beam down and took away the final part of the Kiwi's brain.

"Now surely he won't know anything at all.He should be too dumb and stupid to do anything now?"

And sure enough, with no brain and no knowledge of anything at all as the Aliens watched on the bloke sang,





"WALTZING MATILDA, WALTZING MATILDA......"

HAHAHAHA!!! Thats a good one
I gotta remember that next time I get ****** about being a kiwi!

 

[ryanharvey1993]

lol they are heaps good, the second one sounds a bit fake though, I would be thinking it would still be singing the same thing with no brain

 

[Dan19]

http://www.aussiepythons.com/forum/chit-chat/vantriliquist-with-a-kiwi-86326

 

[natrix]

What does a kiwi guy use as aftershave ?......................mint sauce .

 

[Luke1]

HAHAHAHAHA that goods! and clever!

 

[zobo]

How bout this one:

Kiwi bloke was on earth doing the Haka. Somewhere in space, Aliens were watching this unusual dance.

"Kamate, kamate, ka-ora, ka-ora......"

The Aliens were very interested and they wanted to see what would happen if they would take a part of his brain away without him even knowing. So with their alien technology they sent a laser beam down that hit the Kiwi's head and took a part of his brain away.

The Aliens then sat back to see what would happen.

"Ka-mate, ka-mate, ka-ora, ka-ora......."

What the??? The Aliens were amazed with what they were seeing. The Kiwi guy could operate with less than a full brain. So they decided to send the beam down and take another part of his brain. The Aliens watched on.

"Ka-mate, ka-mate, ka-ora, ka-ora......"

"WHAT!!!" the Aliens said to each other. "These Kiwis are very clever people even with half a brain. Let's see what happens if we take the rest of it away and leave him with no brain at all!"

So with a push of a button the Aliens sent the beam down and took away the final part of the Kiwi's brain.

"Now surely he won't know anything at all.He should be too dumb and stupid to do anything now?"

And sure enough, with no brain and no knowledge of anything at all as the Aliens watched on the bloke sang,





"WALTZING MATILDA, WALTZING MATILDA......"

Hahaha,
funny but I heard the same joke but substitute the start for an Aboriginal playing the digerido and in the end the brainless person gets up and starts the "Ka-mate, ka-mate, ka-ora, ka-ora......."
j

 

[DanTheMan]

Hahaha,
funny but I heard the same joke but substitute the start for an Aboriginal playing the digerido and in the end the brainless person gets up and starts the "Ka-mate, ka-mate, ka-ora, ka-ora......."
j

I think every kiwi/aussie joke is like that lol

 

[Reptile_Boy]

A aussie sheperd was in newzealand with his only sheep. they were walking down the strreet but sheep was frientend "BAAAAAAAAAA BAAAAAAA". then the sheperd noticed the the kiwis walking to wards the sheep then the sheperd said the the group of kiwis ...... BAAAAA means no