good old Kiwi jokes....
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Freemason2250
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There were 3 men on a ship which was quickly sinking, There was An Aussie,A kiwi and an American.........
One of the men yells "Throw anything that is too abundant in your country overboard"
-The american picks up cases of burgers and throws them over
-The kiwi picks up a flock of sheep and throws them over
-The aussie picks up the Kiwi and says "We have way too many of these bastards in Australia"
I just stole these from Google:
Q: What do kiwi's & sperm have in common?
A: Only one in every 50,000 that comes out works!
A lion in the zoo sitting there licking it's hole.
A visitor says, "He doesn't look very vicious to me."
"Well he is." Says the zoo keeper, "he just grabbed a Kiwi, pulled him through the fence and ate him all up."
"Is that right?" says the visitor, "he seems pretty casual, why is he licking his ****?"
The zoo keeper replies, "He's trying to get the horrible taste out of his mouth."
An Aussie bloke is having a quiet drink in a bar and leans over to the big guy next to him and says, 'Do you wanna hear a Kiwi joke?
The big guy replies, 'Well mate, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 1.90 m tall, 125 kg and I played as a forward for the All Blacks."
"The guy next to me is 1.85 m, weighs 115 kg and he's an ex-All Black lock."
"Next to him is a bloke who's 2 m tall, weighs 120 kg and he's a current All Black second rower. Now do you still want to tell that Kiwi joke?"
The first bloke says, "Nah, not if I'm going to have to explain it three times."
Q: How do you know when you have arrived in New Zealand?
A: All the livestock magazines are wrapped in plastic
One of the men yells "Throw anything that is too abundant in your country overboard"
-The american picks up cases of burgers and throws them over
-The kiwi picks up a flock of sheep and throws them over
-The aussie picks up the Kiwi and says "We have way too many of these bastards in Australia"
I just stole these from Google:
Q: What do kiwi's & sperm have in common?
A: Only one in every 50,000 that comes out works!
A lion in the zoo sitting there licking it's hole.
A visitor says, "He doesn't look very vicious to me."
"Well he is." Says the zoo keeper, "he just grabbed a Kiwi, pulled him through the fence and ate him all up."
"Is that right?" says the visitor, "he seems pretty casual, why is he licking his ****?"
The zoo keeper replies, "He's trying to get the horrible taste out of his mouth."
An Aussie bloke is having a quiet drink in a bar and leans over to the big guy next to him and says, 'Do you wanna hear a Kiwi joke?
The big guy replies, 'Well mate, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 1.90 m tall, 125 kg and I played as a forward for the All Blacks."
"The guy next to me is 1.85 m, weighs 115 kg and he's an ex-All Black lock."
"Next to him is a bloke who's 2 m tall, weighs 120 kg and he's a current All Black second rower. Now do you still want to tell that Kiwi joke?"
The first bloke says, "Nah, not if I'm going to have to explain it three times."
Q: How do you know when you have arrived in New Zealand?
A: All the livestock magazines are wrapped in plastic
redbellybite
Almost Legendary
love the last joke lmao..........ok got the old KIWI jokes now....
Q: how do you tell if a kiwi has been in your house?
A: there is a wet spot in your ugh boots and a love bite on your lamb roast....
Q:Whats a HINDO?
A:lays iggs.......
Q:how do you 'spell' SHEEP in NZ?
A:stop the kiwis from !@#$ing them for about 6 weeks....
Q: how do you tell if a kiwi has been in your house?
A: there is a wet spot in your ugh boots and a love bite on your lamb roast....
Q:Whats a HINDO?
A:lays iggs.......
Q:how do you 'spell' SHEEP in NZ?
A:stop the kiwis from !@#$ing them for about 6 weeks....
mebebrian
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Have you heard?
There's a Japanese firm that has developed a camera with a shutter speed so fast it can actually catch an Aussie with his mouth shut.
What's the difference between Aussies and pigs?
There's a Japanese firm that has developed a camera with a shutter speed so fast it can actually catch an Aussie with his mouth shut.
What's the difference between Aussies and pigs?
- Pigs don't turn into Aussies when they drink...
mebebrian
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Just found this, its golden!
1. You know the meaning of the word "girt".
2. You believe that stubbies can be either drunk or worn.
3. You think it's normal to have a leader called Kevin.
4. You waddle when you walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers stuffed in your wallet or purse.
5. You've made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something illegal such as watering the garden.
6. You believe it is appropriate to put a rubber in your son's pencil case when he first attends school.
7. When you hear that an American "roots for his team" you wonder how often and with whom.
8. You understand that the phrase "a group of women wearing black thongs" refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds.
9. You pronounce Melbourne as "Mel-bin".
10. You pronounce Penrith as "Pen-riff".
11. You believe the "l" in the word "Australia" is optional.
12. You can translate: "Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas."
13. You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.
14. You call your best friend "a total bastard" but someone you really, truly despise is just "a bit of a bastard".
15. You think "Woolloomooloo" is a perfectly reasonable name for a place.
16. You're secretly proud of our killer wildlife.
17. You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin.
18. You understand that "Wagga Wagga" can be abbreviated to "Wagga" but "Woy Woy" can't be called "Woy".
19. You believe that cooked-down axlegrease makes a good breakfast spread. (Mmm...Vegemite...)
20. You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis.
21. Hamburger. Beetroot. Of course. Of course - you cannot eat a hamburger without beetroot!
22. You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels' song Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again.
23. You believe, as an article of faith, that the confectionary known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year.
24. You still don't get why the "Labor" in "Australian Labor Party" is not spelt with a "u".
25. You wear ugh boots outside the house.
26. You believe, as an article of faith, that every important discovery in the world was made by an Australian but then sold off to the Yanks for a pittance.
27. You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like them.
28. Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language.
29. You understand that "excuse me" can sound rude, while "scuse me" is always polite.
30. You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasion via your nose.
31. You understand that "you" has a plural and that it's "youse".
32. You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle.
33. Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules for beach cricket.
34. You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call "Anzac cookies".
35. You still think of Kylie as "that girl off Neighbours".
36. When returning home from overseas, you expect to be brutally strip-searched by Customs - just in case you're trying to sneak in fruit.
37. You believe the phrase "smart casual" refers to a pair of black tracky-daks, suitably laundered.
38. You understand that all train timetables are works of fiction.
39. When working on a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer.
40. You get choked up with emotion by the first verse of the national anthem and then have trouble remembering the second.
41. You find yourself ignorant of nearly all the facts deemed essential in the government's new test for migrants.
42. You know, whatever the tourist books say, that no one says "cobber".
43. And you will immediately forward this list to other Australians, here and overseas, realising that only they will understand.
1. You know the meaning of the word "girt".
2. You believe that stubbies can be either drunk or worn.
3. You think it's normal to have a leader called Kevin.
4. You waddle when you walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers stuffed in your wallet or purse.
5. You've made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something illegal such as watering the garden.
6. You believe it is appropriate to put a rubber in your son's pencil case when he first attends school.
7. When you hear that an American "roots for his team" you wonder how often and with whom.
8. You understand that the phrase "a group of women wearing black thongs" refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds.
9. You pronounce Melbourne as "Mel-bin".
10. You pronounce Penrith as "Pen-riff".
11. You believe the "l" in the word "Australia" is optional.
12. You can translate: "Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas."
13. You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.
14. You call your best friend "a total bastard" but someone you really, truly despise is just "a bit of a bastard".
15. You think "Woolloomooloo" is a perfectly reasonable name for a place.
16. You're secretly proud of our killer wildlife.
17. You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin.
18. You understand that "Wagga Wagga" can be abbreviated to "Wagga" but "Woy Woy" can't be called "Woy".
19. You believe that cooked-down axlegrease makes a good breakfast spread. (Mmm...Vegemite...)
20. You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis.
21. Hamburger. Beetroot. Of course. Of course - you cannot eat a hamburger without beetroot!
22. You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels' song Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again.
23. You believe, as an article of faith, that the confectionary known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year.
24. You still don't get why the "Labor" in "Australian Labor Party" is not spelt with a "u".
25. You wear ugh boots outside the house.
26. You believe, as an article of faith, that every important discovery in the world was made by an Australian but then sold off to the Yanks for a pittance.
27. You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like them.
28. Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language.
29. You understand that "excuse me" can sound rude, while "scuse me" is always polite.
30. You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasion via your nose.
31. You understand that "you" has a plural and that it's "youse".
32. You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle.
33. Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules for beach cricket.
34. You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call "Anzac cookies".
35. You still think of Kylie as "that girl off Neighbours".
36. When returning home from overseas, you expect to be brutally strip-searched by Customs - just in case you're trying to sneak in fruit.
37. You believe the phrase "smart casual" refers to a pair of black tracky-daks, suitably laundered.
38. You understand that all train timetables are works of fiction.
39. When working on a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer.
40. You get choked up with emotion by the first verse of the national anthem and then have trouble remembering the second.
41. You find yourself ignorant of nearly all the facts deemed essential in the government's new test for migrants.
42. You know, whatever the tourist books say, that no one says "cobber".
43. And you will immediately forward this list to other Australians, here and overseas, realising that only they will understand.
mebebrian
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You Know You're From New Zealand When...
You know what to do in an Earthquake: get into the nearest doorway before any other bugger and say, "Nah, I don't reckon it's the big one this time. We'll be right."
You can hum the theme song to Coronation street.
You know what apples really taste like (and that there are more than four different kinds).
You know rugby league is not, and never will be, an international sport.
You're not sure about cricket, either. Or hockey. Or netball. Or swimming. Or the women's 400m. Or any other sport in which Australia are world champions. Yes, you're even having doubts about real rugby.
You know what happened to the lead singer of Push Push.
You're seen Split Enz, or former members thereof, performing live at least once.
You reckon anyone who carries on about how great they are is an up-themselves ****er. Or an Australian.
You wouldn't dream of wearing thongs on your feet. Thats what jandals are for.
The name "Chappell" still makes you queasy
You know someone who worked on The Lord of the Rings or Xena.
You wish Fitzy, Zinzan and Josh were still playing for the ABs.
The dairy sells more than just stuff from cows.
You rolled Snifters, rather then Jaffas, down the aisle at the movies.
You know something's horribly wrong if you've been driving for more then 2 hours without the scenery changing.
You don't think twice about barefooting it to the supermarket
You can put up with the sound of rain on a metal roof.
You know you're a NZer when hokey pokey is an ice cream flavour, not just a dance.
When someone says, "an bring your toggs". You'd bring a towel too.
You have two adjustable wrenches in your toolbox and no shifters
You know what to do in an Earthquake: get into the nearest doorway before any other bugger and say, "Nah, I don't reckon it's the big one this time. We'll be right."
You can hum the theme song to Coronation street.
You know what apples really taste like (and that there are more than four different kinds).
You know rugby league is not, and never will be, an international sport.
You're not sure about cricket, either. Or hockey. Or netball. Or swimming. Or the women's 400m. Or any other sport in which Australia are world champions. Yes, you're even having doubts about real rugby.
You know what happened to the lead singer of Push Push.
You're seen Split Enz, or former members thereof, performing live at least once.
You reckon anyone who carries on about how great they are is an up-themselves ****er. Or an Australian.
You wouldn't dream of wearing thongs on your feet. Thats what jandals are for.
The name "Chappell" still makes you queasy
You know someone who worked on The Lord of the Rings or Xena.
You wish Fitzy, Zinzan and Josh were still playing for the ABs.
The dairy sells more than just stuff from cows.
You rolled Snifters, rather then Jaffas, down the aisle at the movies.
You know something's horribly wrong if you've been driving for more then 2 hours without the scenery changing.
You don't think twice about barefooting it to the supermarket
You can put up with the sound of rain on a metal roof.
You know you're a NZer when hokey pokey is an ice cream flavour, not just a dance.
When someone says, "an bring your toggs". You'd bring a towel too.
You have two adjustable wrenches in your toolbox and no shifters
daniel1234
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carpetmuncher
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what's long and hard and *******s kiwis?
kindergarten
kindergarten
ryanharvey1993
Very Well-Known Member
isnt any australians gonna say some more, I dont know any, plus I cant be bothered looking for some!
mebebrian
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Chrisreptile
Very Well-Known Member
A Kiwi walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says: "Darling, this is the pig I have 'intercourse' with when you have a headache."
His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies:
"I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."
The man says: "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."
His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies:
"I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."
The man says: "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."
paleoherp
Well-Known Member
A Kiwi and a Tasmanian have neighboring properties and one day while they are out checking their boundary fence they come across a sheep with it's head stuck in the fence
the next thing you know the Tasmanian starts having his way with the sheep and the Kiwi just looks at him
the Tasmanian Say's don't worry mate, your next
the Kiwi Say's, I'm not worried but I don't think my head is going to fit through that fence.
the next thing you know the Tasmanian starts having his way with the sheep and the Kiwi just looks at him
the Tasmanian Say's don't worry mate, your next
the Kiwi Say's, I'm not worried but I don't think my head is going to fit through that fence.
Snakebuster
Well-Known Member
Thats hilarious!!:lol::lol::lol:
DanTheMan
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DanTheMan
Very Well-Known Member
The seven dwarfs went off to work in the mine one day, while Snow White stayed at home to do the housework and cook their lunch.
However when she went to the mine to deliver their lunches, she found there had been a cave-in, and there was no sign of the dwarfs.
Tearfully she yelled in to the mine entrance:"hello - is anyone there. Can anyone hear me".
A voice floated up from the bowels of the mine:
" Australia will win the Rugby World Cup"
"Thank god" said Snow White "at least Dopey's still alive"
However when she went to the mine to deliver their lunches, she found there had been a cave-in, and there was no sign of the dwarfs.
Tearfully she yelled in to the mine entrance:"hello - is anyone there. Can anyone hear me".
A voice floated up from the bowels of the mine:
" Australia will win the Rugby World Cup"
"Thank god" said Snow White "at least Dopey's still alive"
DanTheMan
Very Well-Known Member
I should be posting more jokes against the aussies but I found this one pretty good.
An Australian was walking down a country road in New Zealand, when he happened to glance over the fence and see a farmer goin' at it with a sheep.
The Aussie is quite taken aback by this, so he climbs the fence and walks over to the farmer.
He taps him on the shoulder and says, "You know mate, back home, we shear those!"
The New Zealander looks frantically around and says, "I'm not bloody sharing this with no one!"
An Australian was walking down a country road in New Zealand, when he happened to glance over the fence and see a farmer goin' at it with a sheep.
The Aussie is quite taken aback by this, so he climbs the fence and walks over to the farmer.
He taps him on the shoulder and says, "You know mate, back home, we shear those!"
The New Zealander looks frantically around and says, "I'm not bloody sharing this with no one!"
Now thats unaustralian, cobber
Trouble
Very Well-Known Member
Three Kiwis and three Aussies are travelling by train to a rugby game. At the station, the three Kiwis each buy a ticket and watch with bewilderment as the three Aussiesbuy only a single ticket between them.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a Kiwi.
"Watch and you’ll see", answers the Aussie.
They all board the train. The Kiwis take their respective seats but all three Aussies cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the bathroom door and says, "Ticket please". The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The Kiwis see this and agree it was quite a clever plan. So after the game, the Kiwis decide to copy the Aussies on the return trip and save some money, (being clever with money and all that).
When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for their return trip. To their astonishment, the Aussies don’t buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel ‘without’ a ticket?" asks one perplexed Kiwi. "Watch and you’ll see", answers a Aussie. When they board the train, the three Kiwis cram into a bathroom and the Aussies cram into another nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterwards, one of the Aussies leaves and walks over to the bathroom where the Kiwis are hiding.
He knocks on the door and says, "Tickets please"!!!!!
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a Kiwi.
"Watch and you’ll see", answers the Aussie.
They all board the train. The Kiwis take their respective seats but all three Aussies cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the bathroom door and says, "Ticket please". The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The Kiwis see this and agree it was quite a clever plan. So after the game, the Kiwis decide to copy the Aussies on the return trip and save some money, (being clever with money and all that).
When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for their return trip. To their astonishment, the Aussies don’t buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel ‘without’ a ticket?" asks one perplexed Kiwi. "Watch and you’ll see", answers a Aussie. When they board the train, the three Kiwis cram into a bathroom and the Aussies cram into another nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterwards, one of the Aussies leaves and walks over to the bathroom where the Kiwis are hiding.
He knocks on the door and says, "Tickets please"!!!!!
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