Not blonde, but funny

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instar

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Man accused of attempted murder in wedgie case
LOWER SOUTHAMPTON, Pa. ? A man accused of trying to kill a friend for giving him a "wedgie" during a Phish concert will stand trial for attempted first-degree murder, a judge ruled last week.
Eric Kassoway, 19, was reveling at a concert last year when he decided to sneak up behind his friend, Daniel Strouss, and yank up his underwear. Apparently it must have hurt, because Strouss, 19, held a grudge for months. So much so, that on the night of June 12, he drove to Kassoway's home and shot him in the arm and leg. Kassoway nearly died from loss of blood.
Strouss' attorney does not dispute the prosecution's version of events and said that Strouss is undergoing therapy.
A jury trial has been scheduled for Oct. 21, according to the Bucks County court clerk.
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New Jersey: "The problem was that we couldn't handcuff Mr Shallo because he didn't have any hands," Plainfield Police Chief Edward Santiago told reporters in New Jersey. "So we just put him on the back seat of the car and hoped he wouldn't be able to get out. The incident has certainly shown us that officers shouldn't underestimate handicapped people because they can be far more resourceful than you'd ever expect." Ernest Vincent Shallo, a 30-year-old multiple amputee from Piscataway, had escaped from an unmarked police car after being arrested for drug possession. "He has no hands or forearms and only one leg, so we couldn't restrain him in the normal way," the Police Chief said. "We thought he was helpless, but when our backs were turned he slid over to the passenger-side door, used his appendages to open it, and hopped away real fast. We pursued him but he hopped over several fences and somehow escaped on a bicycle. We couldn't believe it. He can pedal with only one foot and without touching the handlebars. I think the guy must have worked for a circus at some time." Shallo's neighbour confirmed the story. "Ernie rides a bike every day, though he can't use the brakes. I've even seen him carry washing machines on his back while on the bike. He fixed my lawnmower once. They say he can set his farts alight. I wouldn't put anything past him."
(Source: The Star-Ledger, Newark, New Jersey)
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After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver
found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting
from Harare to Beltway had escaped. Not wanting to admit his
incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone
waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the
mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable
and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3
days.

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A thief burst into a Florida bank one day wearing a ski mask and
carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled,
"FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A F _ _ _-UP!" For a moment,
everyone was silent. Then the snickers started. The guard completely
lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because
he'd been about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired
before the thief got him. The thief ran away and is still at large. In
memory of the event, the bank later put a plaque on the wall engraved
"Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a fxxk-up!"


:lol: :lol: :lol:
 
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on
>>>the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken
>>>McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
>>>
>>>
>>> "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the
>>>teenager at the counter.
>>>
>>>
>>> "You don't?" I replied.
>>>
>>>
>>> "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the
>>>reply.
>>>
>>>
>>> "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I
>>>can order six?"
>>>
>>>
>>> "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered
>>>six McNuggets.
>>>
>>>
>>> ~~~~~~~TWO~~~~~~
>>>
>>>
>>> The paragraph above doesn't amaze me because of
>>>what happened a couple of months ago. I was checking out at the
>>>local Foodland with just a few items and the lady behind me put
>>>her things on the belt close to mine.
>>>
>>>
>>> I picked up one of those "Dividers" that they
>>>keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they
>>>wouldn't get mixed.
>>>
>>>
>>> After the girl had scanned all of my items, she
>>>picked up the "Divider" looking it all over for the bar code so
>>>she could scan it.
>>>
>>>
>>> Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do
>>>you know how much this is?"
>>>
>>>
>>> I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't
>>>think I'll buy that today."
>>>
>>>
>>> She said "OK" and I paid her for the things and
>>>left.
>>>
>>>
>>> She had no clue to what had just happened.
>>>
>>>
>>> ~~~~~ THREE-----MAKES YOU WONDER HOW THESE
>>>PEOPLE CAN SURVIVE!!!
>>>
>>>
>>> A lady at work was seen putting a credit card
>>>into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When
>>>inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on
>>>the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she
>>>was using the ATM "thingy."
>>>
>>>
>>> ~~~~~ FOUR~~~~
>>>
>>>
>>> I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping
>>>beside her car.
>>>
>>>
>>> "Do you need some help?" I asked.
>>>
>>>
>>> She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the
>>>battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car.
>>>Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenient store) would
>>>have a battery to fit this?"
>>>
>>>
>>> "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I
>>>asked.
>>>
>>>
>>> "No, just this remote thingy," she answered,
>>>handing it and the car keys to me.
>>>
>>>
>>> As I took the key and manually unlocked the
>>>door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about
>>>the batteries. It's a long walk."
>>>
>>>
>>> ~~~~~ FIVE~~~~
>>>
>>>
>>> Several years ago, we had an Intern who was
>>>none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary
>>>and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?"
>>>
>>>
>>> "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary
>>>told her.
>>>
>>>
>>> With that, the intern took her last remaining
>>>blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to
>>>make five
>>>
>>> "blank" copies.
>>>
>>>
>>> ~~~~~ SIX~~~~
>>>
>>>
>>> I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a
>>>large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the
>>>vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally
>>>looked like an extra in Twister."
>>>
>>>
>>> I asked the manager what had happened. He told
>>>me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in
>>>the back to make a sandwich.
>>>
>>>
>>> ~~~~~ SEVEN ------IDIOTS &COMPUTERS...
>>>
>>>
>>> My neighbor works in the operations department
>>>in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call
>>>him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got
>>>a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this
>>>question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do
>>>you guys have a fire downtown?"
>>>
>>>
>>> ~~~~~ EIGHT~~~~
>>>
>>>
>>> Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a
>>>suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it
>>>with wires to a photocopy machine.
>>>
>>>
>>> The message "He's lying" was placed in the
>>>copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought
>>>the suspect wasn't telling the truth.
>>>
>>>
>>> Believing the "lie detector" was working, the
>>>suspect confessed.
>>>
>>>
>>>
 
Re: RE: Not blonde, but funny

dobermanmick said:
:lol: Idiots

With more than 6 billion people, there's bound to be one or two!

:p

Hix
 
RE: Re: RE: Not blonde, but funny

One of my ex girlfriends was standing next to her car one day with the hose directing the water into the grills in front of the windscreen. I asked her what she was doing and she replied that she was topping up the squirty things to clean her windscreen because it hadn't rained for a while.
She was a blonde, didn't know how to even check her oil level as that was what the mechanic guy was for.

Same girl is a primary school teacher. She came home one day and asked me seriously whether dogs had periods because a boy in her class told her that his dog had them and it was bleeding everywhere. She was raised in a family that had dogs. Her version of feeding them was to open the can of food ( which was obviously disgusting to her ) and get reasonably close to the bowl and then basically throw the yukky food at it trying not to get any on her. Whether it makes the bowl or not wasn't important.

We also went camping once. The blowdryer was in her bag

She also went to a B+S ball at one stage and was very upset when the good clothes she wore and her well done hair got promptly covered in food dye after being there for about 10 mins.
 
RE: Re: RE: Not blonde, but funny

Two turtles go camping and pack a cooler with sandwiches and beer. After three days of walking, they arrive at a great spot but realize they've forgotten a bottle opener. The first turtle turns to the second and says, "You've gotta go back and get the opener or else we have no beer."

"No way," says the second. "By the time I get back, you will have eaten all the food."

"I promise I won't," says the turtle. "Just hurry!"

Nine full days pass and there's still no sign of the second turtle.

Exasperated and starving, the first turtle digs into the sandwiches.

Suddenly, the second turtle pops out from behind a rock and yells,

"I knew it! I'm not effing going now!"
 
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