Sense of humour - post your jokes to get everyone happy again

[theplantguys]

Christmas tunes for the *rest* of the crowd:

SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do You Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: We Three Kings Disoriented Are

DEMENTIA: I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas

NARCISSISTIC: Hark, the Herald Angels Sing About Me

MANIC: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores
and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire
Hydrants and ...

PARANOID: Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Me

PERSONALITY DISORDER: You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout,
Maybe I'll Tell You Why

OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock . . . (better
start again)

PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY: On The First Day of Christmas My True Love
Gave To Me (and then took it all away)

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

 

[theplantguys]

THINGS YOU WANT TO SAY AT WORK BUT CAN'T


I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to
pronounce.


How about never? Is never good for you?


I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself In public.

I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship
me.

I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

I'm already visualising the duct tape over your mouth.

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point Of view.

The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.


What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?


I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

No, my powers can only be used for good.

You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication.

Who me? I just wander from room to room

And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?

Do I look like a people person?

This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

You!... Off my planet!

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

A PBS mind in an MTV world.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

Can I trade this job for what's behind door 1?

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted the paychecks.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

 

[Scale_Addiction]

haha good ones plant man

 

[theplantguys]

Edited some part to make it more family site friendly, sorry to the mods if I missed any. Also I wont post any more today promise :O)

Cheers
Chris



The presidents of Cascade, Tooheys, Coopers and Carlton were at an international beer conference. They decide to all go to lunch together and the waitress asks what they want to drink.

The president of Cascade says without hesitation....."I'll have a Cascade Premium."

The president of Tooheys smiles and says....."I'll have Toohey's New, brewed from pure mountain water!"

The guy from Carlton proudly says...."I'll have a Crown Lager, the King of Beers!"

Glen Cooper from Coopers glances at his lunch mates and says....."I'll have a Pepsi."

The others look at him like he has sprouted a new head. He just shrugs and says, "If you guys aren't drinking beer, then neither will I."





An elderly man in Adelaide calls his son in Sydney and says, "I hate
to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are
divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says.
"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you
call your sister in Brisbane and tell her," and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like
heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

She calls her dad immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are
NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm
calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until
then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.

"Okay," he says, "They're coming for Christmas and paying their own
airfares."



*Edited to make more family site friendly*

9 Things I Hate About Everybody Else...

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the heck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2. People who are willing to get off their bum to search the entire room for the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the tv and change the channel manually.
3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too".
Dam right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?
4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No, I paid $8 to come to the cinema and stare at the floor.
6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?
7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
8. When people say "life is short". What the heck?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here?


You know you're in an Australian Summer When...
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
Hot water now comes out of both taps.
You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
The temperature drops below 35C and you feel a little chilly.
You discover that in February it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.
You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
You develop a fear of metal car door handles.
You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.
Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
You realise that bitumen has a liquid state.


Outside a muffler shop:
No appointment necessary... We hear you coming.

On a plumber's truck:
We repair what your husband fixed.

Over a gynaecologist's office:
Dr. Jones, at your cervix.

On the trucks of a local plumbing company in Pennsylvania:
Don't Sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.

Pizza shop slogan:
7 days without pizza makes one weak.

In a veterinarian's waiting room:
Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!

Door of a plastic surgeon's office:
We can help you pick your nose!

On an electrician's truck:
Let us remove your shorts.

In a non-smoking area:
If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.

On a maternity room door:
Push!... Push!... Push!

At an optometrist's office:
If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.

In the front yard of a funeral home:
Drive carefully. We'll wait.

On the door of a Computer Store:
Out for a quick byte.

Outside a Hotel:
Help! We need inn-experienced people.

Outside a Radiator Repair Shop:
Best place in town to take a leak.

These ones are sure to offend someone …. hehehehe

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
_____
What's the best form of birth control after the age of 50?
Nudity.
_____
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
_____
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.
____
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes.
_____
How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.
____
Why are men and parking spaces alike?
Because all the good ones are taken and the only ones left are disabled.
_____
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
_____
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring,
and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
_____
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
_____
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
driving.
_____
Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and
refrigerator.
_____
A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has
the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.
_____
What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom?
Say, "Nice D***."
_____
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have s**?
Because they have cotton balls.
_____
What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
_____
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
Are you sure it's mine?"
_____
What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.
_____
Why does Mike Tyson cry during s**?
Mace will do that to you.
_____
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.
_____
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
_____
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
_____
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."
_____
Why do they call PMS, PMS?
Mad cow disease was taken...

 

[lol93]

[/IMG]

 

[Hickson]

Hix

 

[Serpant_Lady]

Thanks Bredili84

 

[caffiend]

an oldie but I love it - BTW - Great thread idea!!!!!


TRUE STORIES FROM QUANTAS AIRLINES:
After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction.The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots, and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

Pilot Report: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
Solution Recorded: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.


Pilot Report: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
Solution Recorded: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

Pilot Report: Something loose in cockpit.
Solution Recorded: Something tightened in cockpit.

Pilot Report: Dead bugs on windshield.
Solution Recorded: Live bugs on back-order.

Pilot Report: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
Solution Recorded: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Pilot Report: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Solution Recorded: Evidence removed.

Pilot Report: DME volume unbelievably loud.
Solution Recorded: DME volume set to more believable level.

Pilot Report: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Solution Recorded: That's what they're there for.

Pilot Report: IFF inoperative.
Solution Recorded: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

Pilot Report: Suspected crack in windshield.
Solution Recorded: Suspect you're right.

Pilot Report: Number 3 engine missing.
Solution Recorded: Engine found on right wing after brief search.


Pilot Report: Aircraft handles funny.
Solution Recorded: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

Pilot Report: Target radar hums.
Solution Recorded: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

Pilot Report: Mouse in cockpit.
Solution Recorded: Cat installed.

Pilot Report: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
Solution Recorded: Took hammer away from midget.

 

[shamous1]

?

Im a kid so i wouldnt know any good jokes, only kid jokes like your mummas so fat and them.
YER !

Like Your mama's so fat she drowned doing the mexican wave
:lol:

 

[caffiend]

Aussie Windaz

I love this one, have cleaned it up a bit, MODS!!! Please delete if it is inappropriate!!

It comes up a bit small from here, may have to save it and open with another program to read it properly

Thanks
Cat

 

[slim6y]

I'm already on one warning.. ahhh.. wot the I say....

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand, walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi
"G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?"

The Kiwi: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."

Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this this guy your owner?" (pointing at the villager)

Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Kiwi: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool"

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)

Horse: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk toyour sheep?"

Kiwi: (in a panic) "The sheep's a liar."

PS - This can't be racist I'm a Kiwi!!!

 

[alumba]

a man walks into a porn shop and tells the attendant that he wants to buy a blow up dole the attendant says ok, would u like one dressed or un dressed the man says it don’t bother me the attendant says ok and then she asks black or white the man reply’s white the attendant say ok then the attendant ask would u like one that is Muslim or christen and the man reply’s what is the difference and the attendant reply’s well the Muslim one blows her self up..

sorry i had to tell that one and of all people that could have told me that it was it was my 70 year old grand mother god bless her

 

[OuZo]

I always quite liked this one :lol:

After 40 years as a gynaecologist, John decided he had enough money to retire and take up his real love, auto mechanics. He left his practice, enrolled in auto mechanics school, and studied hard. The day of the final exam came and John worried if he would be able to complete the test with the same proficiency as his younger classmates. Most of the students completed their exam in two hours. John, on the other hand, took the entire four hours allotted. The following day, John was delighted and surprised to see a score of 150% for his exam. John spoke to his professor after class. "I never dreamed I could do this well on the exam. How did I earn a score of 150%?" The professor replied, "I gave you 50% for perfectly disassembling the car engine. I awarded another 50% for perfectly reassembling the engine. I gave you an additional 50% for having done all of it through the muffler.

 

[Serpant_Lady]

A nun gets onto a train and sits down in a compartment with a skinhead. The guy is covered in piercings and tatts and is eating a bag of prawns. As he does he rips the heads off and throws them at the nun. After a while the nun gets up and pulls the emergency stop lever.
"Whaddya do that for, ya silly *****?!" says the skinhead "That'll cost ya $110"
the nun replies
"Yes but when they hear me screaming and smell your fingers you'll get 25"

(no offense intended to anyone - nuns or otherwise)

 

[Snake Catcher Victoria]

Hi,
AS A WOMAN PASSED HER DAUGHTER'S CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR, SHE HEARD A STRANGE BUZZINGNOISE COMING FROM WITHIN. OPENING THE DOOR, SHE OBSERVED HER DAUGHTER GIVING HERSELF A REAL WORKOUT WITH A VIBRATOR. SHOCKED, SHE ASKED: "WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING?"

THE DAUGHTER REPLIED: "MOM, I'M THIRTY-FIVE YEARS OLD, UNMARRIED,AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE."

THE NEXT DAY, THE GIRL'S FATHER HEARD THE SAME BUZZ COMING FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR. UPON ENTERING THE ROOM, HE OBSERVED HIS DAUGHTER MAKING PASSIONATE LOVE TO HER VIBRATOR. TO HIS QUERY AS TO WHAT SHE WAS DOING, THE DAUGHTER SAID: "DAD I'M THIRTY-FIVE, UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE."

A COUPLE DAYS LATER, THE WIFE CAME HOME FROM A SHOPPING TRIP, PLACED THE GROCERIES ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER, AND HEARD THAT BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM, OF ALL PLACES, THE LIVING ROOM. SHE ENTERED THAT AREA AND OBSERVED HER HUSBAND SITTING ON THE COUCH, DOWNING A COLD BEER, AND STARING AT THE TV. THE VIBRATOR WAS NEXT TO HIM ON THE COUCH, BUZZING LIKE CRAZY.

THE WIFE ASKED: "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?"

THE HUSBAND REPLIED: "I'M WATCHING FOOTBALL WITH MY SON-IN-LAW."

 

[Serpant_Lady]

there is only one place this thread is going lol its getting more dirty by the second