some Friday funnies

[redbellybite]

TWO BROTHERS

Once upon a time there were two brothers. One brother was very mischievous, always getting into trouble. The other brother, however, was very good. He was always kind to animals, helped elderly neighbors, and led an exemplary life.

As time went on, the brothers stayed in touch but were never close. The evil brother became a heavy drinker and a womanizer. The other brother was a devoted husband and father and supported many charities.

One day the evil brother died. Then, after a few years, the good brother passed away. He went to heaven and was rewarded with a happy afterlife. One day he went to God and asked, "Where is my brother? He died before me, but I have not seen him here in heaven."

God replied, "As you know, your brother led an evil life, so he is not spending eternity here in heaven. He has been sent elsewhere."

"I'm sorry to hear that," the good brother replied. "But I do miss him and wish I could see him again."

"You can see him if you wish," God said. "I will give you the power to gaze into hell."

So the power was granted and the good brother gazed into hell. Before long he saw his brother sitting on a bench. In one arm he held a keg of beer, and in the other he cradled a gorgeous young blonde.

The good brother turned to God and said, "I can't believe what I'm seeing. I have found my brother, and he has a keg of beer in one arm and a beautiful woman in the other. Surely, hell cannot be that bad."

God explained. "Things are not always as they seem. The keg has a hole in it. The blonde doesn't.":lol::lol::lol::lol:

Grandparents- Adorable

1.
She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful
eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before.
After she
applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But
Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will
probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing
the toilet paper good-bye....


2.
My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He
asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62. My grandson was quiet
for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

3.
After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old
slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair.. As she
heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience
grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed
into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As
she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling
voice, "Who was THAT?"

4. A
grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own
childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a
swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We
rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little
girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure
wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

5.
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know
how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said,
"No, how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.



6.
A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word
processor... She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?"
he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."



7.
I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I
decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color
it was She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me,
so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I
think you should try to figure out some of these colors
yourself!"

8.
When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the
lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects.
Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did,
Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming
after us with flashlights.."

9.
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not
sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised "Mine says I'm
4 to 6."

10.
A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother,
"Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The
grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool.
"That's interesting." she said. "How do you make babies?" "It's
simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

11.
Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a
teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder
pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you
know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."

12.
A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day
when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire
truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's
duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one child. "No," said
another. "He's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close."They use the dogs," she
said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."



13.
A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived.
"Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we
just go get her.
Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."

14.
Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good good things,
but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!

15.
My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over, you hear gas leaks
and they blame their dog.

 

[redbellybite]

Irish humour

Paddy tells Mick he's thinking of buying a Labrador.
"Fook off" says Mick, "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

 

[shaye]

Lol

 

[byron_moses]

bahahahahaha

 

[captive_fairy]

MIT Letter​

Here is a great letter from MIT to a prospective student and that student's response.​

Mr. John T. Mongan
123 Main Street
Smalltown, California 94123-4567​

Dear John:​

You've got the grades. You've certainly got the PSAT scores. And now you've got a letter from MIT. Maybe you're surprised. Most students would be.​

But you're not most students. And that's exactly why I urge you to consider carefully one of the most selective universities in America.​

The level of potential reflected in your performance is a powerful indicator that you might well be an excellent candidate for MIT. It certainly got my attention!​

Engineering's not for you? No problem. It may surprise you to learn we offer more than 40 major fields of study, from architecture to brain and cognitive sciences,
from economics (perhaps the best program in the country) to writing.​

What? Of course, you don't want to be bored. Who does? Life here *is* tough *and* demanding, but it's also *fun*. MIT students are imaginative and creative
- inside and outside the classroom.​

You're interested in athletics? Great! MIT has more varsity teams - 39 - than almost any other university, and a tremendous intramural program so everybody can participate.​

You think we're too expensive? Don't be too sure. We've got surprises for you there, too.​

Why not send the enclosed Information Request to find out more about this unique institution? Why not do it right now?​

Sincerely,​

Michael C. Benhke
Director of Admissions​

P.S. If you'd like a copy of a fun-filled, fact-filled brochure, "Insight," just check the appropriate box on the form.​

May 5, 1994​

Michael C. Behnke
MIT Director of Admissions
Office of Admissions, Room 3-108
Cambridge MA 02139-4307​

Dear Michael:​

You've got the reputation. You've certainly got the pomposity. And now you've got a letter from John Mongan. Maybe you're surprised. Most universities would be.​

But you're not most universities. And that's exactly why I urge you to carefully consider one of the most selective students in America,
so selective that he will choose only *one* of the thousands of accredited universities in the country.​

The level of pomposity and lack of tact reflected in your letter is a powerful indicator that your august institution might well be a possibility for John Mongan's future education. It certainly got my attention!​

Don't want Bio-Chem students? No problem. It may surprise you to learn that my interests cover over 400 fields of study, from semantics to limnology, from object-oriented programming (perhaps one of the youngest professionals in the country) to classical piano.​

What? Of course you don't want egotistical jerks. Who does? I *am* self-indulgent *and* over confident, but I'm also amusing. John Mongan is funny and amusing - whether you're laughing with him or at him.​

You're interested in athletes? Great! John Mongan has played more sports - 47 - than almost any other student, including oddball favorites such as Orienteering.​

You think I can pay for your school? Don't be too sure. I've got surprises for you there, too.​

Why not send a guaranteed admission and full scholarship to increase your chance of being selected by John Mongan? Why not do it right now?​

Sincerely,
John Mongan​

P.S. If you'd like a copy of a fun-filled, fact-filled brochure, "John Mongan: What a Guy!" just ask.​

 

[redbellybite]

Fw: WHY SOME MEN HAVE DOGS AND NOT WIVES

OLDIE BUT A GOODIE























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Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:

​

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

​

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

​

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

​

4. A dog's parents never visit.

​

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

​

6. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk..

​

7. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

​

8. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

​

9. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

​

10. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

​

11. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.








And last, but not least:



12. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.



To test this theory:
Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour.
Then open it and see who's happy to see you.

 

[GSXR_Boy]

Two nuns were driving down a street one night when a Vampire leapt onto the bonnet hissing at them.

The nun screamed in fear and one nun said to the other "Quick, show him your cross!"

So she yelled at him "Get of the bonnet, you idiot!" :?:|