good old Kiwi jokes....

[links]

What do the Wallabies.Australian rugby league team and Catholic school boys have in common,

They have all been stoinked by Men in Black

 

[lilmissrazz]

An Aussie, a Kiwi and an African American in the hospital waiting room expecting to be proud fathers for the first time very soon.
Suddenly the door to the waiting room burst open and the doctor runs in!
"Congratulations Guys! You're all proud fathers of healthy baby boys and coincidentally they were all born with in seconds of each other!!" Say's the Doctor excitedly. "One problem tho... in the confusion of all these births we got a little confused and we're not sure who's baby is who's."
The Aussie is out of his seat as fast as you like and into the maternity ward, immediatly picking up the black baby, obviously the African Americans child, and starts to run out of the hospital.
"Wait, wait!!" Shouts the doctor. "That's definitly not your baby!!"
"I know!" yells the Aussie on the hoof out the front door.
"... But one of the other two baby's is a Kiwi and I'm not taking the chance!!!"

 

[lilmissrazz]

An aussie and a kiwi sheep herder were flying the herd to a new farm. Suddenly, the engine fails and the plane begins to fall quickly to the ground. Aussie: Quick! Grab a parachute and jump! Kiwi: What about the sheep?!? Aussie: **** the sheep!!!! Kiwi: (pause) Do you think we have time?

 

[lilmissrazz]

What do you call a kiwi sheep dog?
A: A pimp.

Why do kiwis end up marrying women?
A: Sheep can't cook.


Bruce and Cobber are driving into town from the ranch and it's Bruce's first time driving on a tarred road.
A bit nervous at how Bruce will handle the narrower roads Cobber says, "Bruce, have you ever made a u-turn?"

Bruce replies: "No, but I once made a ram's eyes water."

 

[redbellybite]

Just found this, its golden!

1. You know the meaning of the word "girt".
2. You believe that stubbies can be either drunk or worn.
3. You think it's normal to have a leader called Kevin.
4. You waddle when you walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers stuffed in your wallet or purse.
5. You've made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something illegal such as watering the garden.
6. You believe it is appropriate to put a rubber in your son's pencil case when he first attends school.
7. When you hear that an American "roots for his team" you wonder how often and with whom.
8. You understand that the phrase "a group of women wearing black thongs" refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds.
9. You pronounce Melbourne as "Mel-bin".
10. You pronounce Penrith as "Pen-riff".
11. You believe the "l" in the word "Australia" is optional.
12. You can translate: "Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas."
13. You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.
14. You call your best friend "a total bastard" but someone you really, truly despise is just "a bit of a bastard".
15. You think "Woolloomooloo" is a perfectly reasonable name for a place.
16. You're secretly proud of our killer wildlife.
17. You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin.
18. You understand that "Wagga Wagga" can be abbreviated to "Wagga" but "Woy Woy" can't be called "Woy".
19. You believe that cooked-down axlegrease makes a good breakfast spread. (Mmm...Vegemite...)
20. You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis.
21. Hamburger. Beetroot. Of course. Of course - you cannot eat a hamburger without beetroot!
22. You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels' song Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again.
23. You believe, as an article of faith, that the confectionary known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year.
24. You still don't get why the "Labor" in "Australian Labor Party" is not spelt with a "u".
25. You wear ugh boots outside the house.
26. You believe, as an article of faith, that every important discovery in the world was made by an Australian but then sold off to the Yanks for a pittance.
27. You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like them.
28. Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language.
29. You understand that "excuse me" can sound rude, while "scuse me" is always polite.
30. You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasion via your nose.
31. You understand that "you" has a plural and that it's "youse".
32. You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle.
33. Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules for beach cricket.
34. You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call "Anzac cookies".
35. You still think of Kylie as "that girl off Neighbours".
36. When returning home from overseas, you expect to be brutally strip-searched by Customs - just in case you're trying to sneak in fruit.
37. You believe the phrase "smart casual" refers to a pair of black tracky-daks, suitably laundered.
38. You understand that all train timetables are works of fiction.
39. When working on a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer.
40. You get choked up with emotion by the first verse of the national anthem and then have trouble remembering the second.
41. You find yourself ignorant of nearly all the facts deemed essential in the government's new test for migrants.
42. You know, whatever the tourist books say, that no one says "cobber".
43. And you will immediately forward this list to other Australians, here and overseas, realising that only they will understand.

AND THIS IS WHY YOU ALL NON AUSTRALIANS ENVY US AND COME OVER AND TRY AS YOU MIGHT BE ONE OF US ...WHY BECAUSE YOU KNOW WE RULE .....LMAO......dont deny it ,we aussies may seem like we dont give a crud ....TRUTH is we dont aim to please ..we dont need too, we are an ICON to the world :lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:

 

[lilmissrazz]

Billy comes home from school and says to his dad, "Hey dad, we had a spelling test today and I got 9 out of 10. The other kids were lucky to get 6 right. Is that because I'm a Kiwi?" "Yes son, that's because you're a Kiwi." Dad replied.

The next day, Billy says to his mum. "Hey Mum, today we had a 'rithmetic test, and I got 19 out of 20 right, the other kids were lucky to get 14 right. Is that because I'm a Kiwi?" "Yes son, that's because you're a Kiwi." sh replied.

Next week, Billy comes home all excited. "Hey Dad, we had a swimming carnival at school today, and in the showers I noticed I've got hair on my balls. Is that because I'm a Kiwi?"

His Dad replied, "No son, it's because you're 18 years old."

 

[PimmsPythons]

just a quick one...
why is it so hard to get a h#@djob in new zealand.
because all of the c#@ksuckers are over here.

 

[slim6y]

A kiwi Lincoln Uni bloke (that's near, Chrisrchurch, which is in New Zealand) and his Australian friend were cruising down the long stretches of the South Island highways (that's also in New Zealand) in the kiwi blokes HQ.

There's lush ground, beautiful paddocks and gorgeous country side. But all of a sudden the kiwi spies an odd site. He spies a sheep with its head stuck in the wire fence of its paddock.

The kiwi bloke yanks on the anchors to the HQ and skids to a halt. He reverses up. Jumps out of the car, jumps over the fence and goes up to the struggling sheep. He looks around. He sees no one there. He drops his pants and gives the sheep a good one....

The Aussie bloke just looks over in amazement as the kiwi guy finishes and pulls up his pants and jumps over the fence and back into the car.

The kiwi fella looks over at the Aussie bloke and says.....

"Aweee mate, I'm sorry, geez, I forgot about you. Would you like a go to?"

The Aussie blokes face lights up... He smiles and nods.

He jumps out of the car, jumps over the fence, he looks around to make sure no one is coming. He drops his pants... The the Aussie fella puts his head through the fence and yells out... "OK, I'm ready for ya!"

 

[slim6y]

Two aussie blokes were standing on a deck of their station house as the sun began drifting down over the red plains of the desert.

They both have beers and are admiring the landscape.

In front of them a dog begins to clean itself and starts licking its genitalia region.

One of the Aussie blokes says - Gee, I wished I could do that.

The other says - Maybe if you give him a bikkie he'l let ya.

 

[m.punja]

Aussie, Yank and Kiwi working at the top of a sky scraper. Smoko time they sit on the edge and open their lunch.
"Not vegemite again! I swear, my wife has been making me vegemite sanga's for 20 odd years. If I get it again tomorrow, I'll jump off this f%^king building!" the Aussie says.
"Grr, I got Jam again! I'm with you Aussie bloke, my missus makes me f%^king jam sandwhiches every day, if I get it again tomorrow I'll jump too!" growls the Yank.
"Peanut butter, Peanut butter! I'm always getting peanut f%^king butter! I jump tomorrow too if I get peanut butter again!" screams the furious kiwi.
Next day they all get the same stuff and one by one they throw themselves off the building and fall to their death.
At the funeral's the widow's are talking
"Why? Why didn't I believe him when he said he didn't want vegemite. I've been making it for him for more then 20 years now," cries the aussie widow.
"Jam. Jam is what I thought he liked. I made him Jam every day because I thought he liked it. I wish I never ever made him any Jam sandwhiches now," sobs the yank widow.
"The silly man, what a stupid husband of mine. He's been making his own lunch for as long as I've known him, if he didn't like peanut butter why did he make it!"

 

[redbellybite]

just a quick one...
why is it so hard to get a h#@djob in new zealand.
because all of the c#@ksuckers are over here.

so are you saying your a c#@ksucker.....because your over here?:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:

 

[m.punja]

An Aussie bloke is driving with a nun. As they drive he notices a bird on one side of the road and a little up on the other side is a Kiwi bloke hitch hiking. The guy swerves and hits the unsuspecting bird killing it.
"I'm so sorry nun, please forgive me I just had the urge."
"I'll forgive you," says the nun, "only if you get a little closer and let me get the kiwi with the door!"

 

[m.punja]

A lady is traveling on the train up through west aus. Over night the trip takes a turn for the worse, it bounces, shakes, jumps for track to track throwing her around her cabin with the lights flashing. Then as sudden as it all started it is calm again and traveling nicely.
The next morning when the steward is walking along she asks him what went wrong.
"Never mind Ma'am, it was just some Kiwi's doing the Haka."
"What?" cries the astonished women. "On the tracks?"
"No Ma'am, but we still got 'em."

 

[m.punja]

A Kiwi bloke decides for a change he'll travel up the simpson desert on a camel for his next holiday. Part way through the journey he notices that there is nothing around him and after days of fantising about daisy his pet ewe at home he jumps off and tries to give the camel a quickie. The camel is too high though so he builds a mound to get some height but before he can do it the camel steps forward and is out of reach. So he builds another mound of dirt and again the camel steps forward. This goes on and on until he comes across a well and the voice of a lady.
"Help me out of this well, please!" she is screaming.
The brave strong kiwi rushes over to the well and helps her out.
The lady is young, thin and beautiful. "Thankyou," she says. "For saving my life I'll do anything in the world for you."
"Anything?" asks the kiwi smiling happily.
"Anything," she replies.
"Then come and hold this bloody camel still will ya!"

 

[mebebrian]

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]A[/FONT][FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] family of rugby supporters headed out last Saturday to do their Christmas shopping. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]While in a sports shop, the son picked up an All Blacks rugby shirt and said to his sister: "I've decided to be an All Blacks supporter and I would like this for Christmas." [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]His sister was outraged and promptly whacked him round the head, telling him to go talk to his mother. Off goes the little lad with the black rugby shirt in hand and finds his mother. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"Mum?" [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"Yes son?" [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"I've decided I'm going to be an All Blacks supporter and I would like this shirt for Christmas". [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The mother is outraged and promtly whacks him around the head, saying: "Go talk to your father". Off he goes with the rugby shirt in hand and finds his father.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"Dad?" [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"Yes son?" [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"I've decided I'm going to be an All Blacks supporter and I would like this shirt for Christmas". [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head and says: "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!" [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]About half an hour later they're all back in the car, heading towards home. The father turns to his son and says: "Son, I hope you've learned something today." [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The son says: "Yes Dad I have." [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"Good son, what is it?" [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The son replies: "I've only been an All Blacks supporter for an hour and already I hate you Aussie bastards."[/FONT]​

 

[mebebrian]

Aussie Love

Bruce is driving over the Sydney Harbour Bridge one day when he sees his girlfriend, Sheila about to throw herself off.
Bruce slams on the brakes and yells "Sheila, what the hell d'ya think you're doing?" Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says, "G'day Bruce. Ya got me pregnant and so now I'm gonna kill myself." Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this. He says "Strewth Sheila..... Not only are you a great shag but you're a real sport too."

And drives off.

 

[mebebrian]

True Blue


A Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years
of living in Shanghai . He buys a small piece of land near to Mt Isa. A few
days after moving in the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and
welcome the new guy to the region. So he goes next door. But, on his way up
the drive-way, he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard
chasing about 10 hens; not wanting to interrupt these 'Chinese customs', he
decides to put the welcome on hold for the day. The next day, he decides to
try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks
through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then
drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another 'Chinese custom', he decides to
put the welcome on hold for yet another day. A day later he decides to give
it on last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a
bull down the drive-way, pause, and then put his head next to the bull's bum.
The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and
says: Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over
to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around the yard
after hens. The next day you are urinating in a glass, and drinking it, and
then today you have your head so close to that bull's bum, it could just
about crap on you.? The Chinese man is very taken back and says:
Sorry sir, you no understand, these no Chinese customs I doing, these
Australian Customs. What do you mean mate? says the Aussie, Those
aren't Australian customs. Yes they are, man at travel agent tell me
replied the Chinese man. He say to become true Australian, I must learn
chase chicks, drink piss, and listen to bull-___.'

 

[nutta]

how do you give a kiwi a small business?
give him a large one to start with.

 

[Oldbeard]

I'm beached as bro!!!

 

[redbellybite]

listen here all you ungrateful hakka dancing kiwi's YOUR NOT IN THE LAND OF CHILLY BINS AND JANDALS NOW .........