good old Kiwi jokes....

[Trouble]

here's another one. . .

There's a Kiwi rugby fan, an Australian rugby fan and a beautiful woman sitting next to each other on a train.

The train enters a tunnel and everything gets dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap!
The woman and the Kiwi are sitting there looking perplexed. The Kiwi is bent over holding his face which is red from an apparent slap.

The Kiwi is thinking, "That Australian must have tried to kiss this lady, she thought it was me and slapped me."

The lady was thinking, "That Kiwi must have moved to kiss me and kissed the Australian instead and got slapped."

The Australian was thinking to himself.... "If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and slap that Kiwi in the head again."

 

[mebebrian]

Darren Lockyer, the Pope, Kevin Rudd & a school boy were all on the same plane when the engine failed and started to plummet towards the Earth. They all realised that there was 4 of them & only 3 parachutes. Darren Lockyer got up & said I am a sporting superstar & must live so that I can please my fans & continue my career to beat the Kiwi's & the Poms in the tri- nations series. So he grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane. Then Kevin Rudd got up and said I am the smartest Prime Minister Australia has ever have and I need to live to continue to govern the nation. Then the Pope said to the school boy & said I am old & have lived my life so you should take the last parachute. The school boy replied, no it's ok, the worlds smartest Prime Minister took my school bag so theres one for each of us!

 

[DanTheMan]

here's another one. . .

There's a Kiwi rugby fan, an Australian rugby fan and a beautiful woman sitting next to each other on a train.

The train enters a tunnel and everything gets dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap!
The woman and the Kiwi are sitting there looking perplexed. The Kiwi is bent over holding his face which is red from an apparent slap.

The Kiwi is thinking, "That Australian must have tried to kiss this lady, she thought it was me and slapped me."

The lady was thinking, "That Kiwi must have moved to kiss me and kissed the Australian instead and got slapped."

The Australian was thinking to himself.... "If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and slap that Kiwi in the head again."

nice try, I just saw that one except the other way around lol

 

[mebebrian]

An Australian, an Irishman and an Englishman were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar. It was a man. The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar.

They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before, when suddenly the Irishman cried out "My God, I know who that man is. It's Jesus!" The others looked again and, sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.

The Irishman call out, "Hey!, you!!! Are you Jesus?" The man looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am Jesus" he says. The Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him "I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me." So the bartender pours Jesus a Guinness and takes it over to his table. Jesus looks over, raises his glass, smiles thank you and drinks.

The Englishman then calls out, "Errr, excuse me Sir, but would you be Jesus?" Jesus smiles and says, "Yes, I am Jesus." The Englishman beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a pint of Newcastle Brown Ale for Jesus, which the bartender duly does. As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the men.

Then the Australian calls out, "Oi, you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus,or what?" Jesus nods and says, "Yes, I am Jesus." The Australian is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over a stubbie of Victoria Bitter for Jesus, which he accepts with pleasure.

Some time later, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches the three men. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement."Oh God, the arthritis is gone," he says. "The arthritis I've had for years is gone. It's a miracle!"

Jesus then shakes the hand of the Englishman, thanking him for the Newcastle Brown Ale. Upon letting go, the Englishman's eyes widen in shock. "By jove", he exclaims, " The migraine I've had for over 40 years is completely gone. It's a miracle!"

Jesus then approaches the Australian, who has a terrified look on his face.

The Aussie whispers ... "Bugger off mate, I'm on Workers Comp"

 

[mebebrian]

C'mon you aussies, where's your fighting spirit?

 

[GSXR_Boy]

How does a New Zealander find a sheep in long grass???


Delightful................

 

[mebebrian]

Is that all you guy's have? Sheep jokes? C'mon fella's...



Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for Six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet, replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance".
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth.
"For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot."
"Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people" God continued, pointing to different countries. "And over there, I call this place America.
North America will be rich and powerful and cold, while South America will be poor, and hot and friendly. And the little spot in the middle is Central America which is a Hot spot. Can you see the balance?"
"Yes" said the Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then he pointed to a smallish land mass and asked, "What's that one?"
"Ah" said God. "That's New Zealand, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, rainforests, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast line. The people are good looking, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super- human, undefeatable, strong in character citizens who will be admired and feared by all who come across them".
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then exclaimed, "You said there will be BALANCE!"
God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the buggers I'm putting next to them"

 

[GSXR_Boy]

How do you know if a New Zealander has broken into your house??

Your thongs are missing and there is love bites on your lamb roast!

 

[DanTheMan]

By thongs do you mean jandals?

 

[mebebrian]

Two Aussie cattle drovers standing in an Outback bar.
One asked, "What are you up to, Mate?"
Ahh, I'm takin' a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie."
"Oh yeah ... and what route are you takin'?"
"Ah, probably the Missus; after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought."

 

[GSXR_Boy]

Q.Why did the bird fly over New Zealand upside down ?

A.Because there is nothing worth crapping on.

Q.Why are there always clouds over New Zealand ?

A.God is trying to cover up his mistake.

 

[GSXR_Boy]

By thongs do you mean jandals?

Yeah bro right near the shrimping gear and "chilli bin"

 

[mebebrian]

Three Aussie guys were working on a high-rise building project - Steve, Bruce and Kevin.
Steve falls off and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."
Kevin says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters.
Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Kev?"
"Steve's wife gave it to me,"
Bruce replies. "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?"
"Well not exactly," Kevin said. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'.
She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'
And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are'."

 

[ali_snake]

god thats an old one, but good to read it again LOL

 

[mebebrian]

Dazza's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast.
He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and he spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.
Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.
The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some [COLOR=green! important][COLOR=green! important]news[/COLOR][/COLOR] for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'.
'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?'
The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef.
He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'
The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what
the good news is.
The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've
brought you your share.'
He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.
'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So what's the other possible good news?
'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and
pull her up again!

 

[mebebrian]

I was on the phone to a mate of mine the other day.
He's moved to Australia as part of his Job.
So after a while there he got himself a big morgage and is having a big house built just outside woolloomaloo

Anyway I was on the phone and every five minutes I hear him scream "green side up boys"
It was odd and at first I ignored it, but eventualy I asked him if it couldn't wait till we were off the phone.
He apologised and said "I'm afraid I need to keep on top of the aussie tradesmen. They're laying my new turf"

 

[daniel1234]

Lol, common aussie problem..... cant be bothered.

Kiwis Win!

PMSL--walked straight into that one
Actually I am PMSL so much I'm damn near swimming in it!:shock:

 

[bruce34]

Melbourne Zoo had acquired a female of a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to handle. Upon examination the Zoo veterinarian determined the problem.
The Gorilla was on heat......

To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.

While reflecting on the problem, the Zoo management noticed Graham, a big Kiwi lad and former All Black, responsible for fixing the Zoo's machinery.
Graham, like most Kiwi's, seemed to be possessed with ample ability to satisify a female of any species...
So the Zoo administrators thought they might have a solution.

Graham was approached with a proposition.
Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500?
Graham showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Graham announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions.
"Fust" he said "I don't want to have to kuss er"
"Sicondly, you must niver tull anyone about thus"
The Zoo administrators quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what his third condition was.
"Wull," said Graham "You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500.

 

[mebebrian]

three Australian all decide they want to get into the guiness book of records.

The first is pottering around trying to see how he could do it when he notices he has really really small hands !! so he grabs the others and legs it to the GBOR offices he goes in on his own and comes out 10 mins later, "Ive done it, ive got the smallest hands in the world, im in the records.



The next day, the second Australian is wondering around trying to see how he can get into the book when he spots his feet are massive, size 17 !! **** me, this has to be a record, so he grabs the other 2 and they all leg it to the GBOR offices again, he goes in on his own and comes out 10 mins later, "Ive done it, ive got the biggest feet in the world, im in the records

The next day the third Australian is getting really worried now that he wont be able to come up with anything. then he remembers what all his girlfriends have told him and runs of to find the others, "lads, lads, I have the smallest penis in the world, so once again they all run off to the GBOR offices, he goes in on his own. the other two wait patiently outside, 10 mins, 15 mins, 25 mins then half an hour later he comes out the office in bits............. "Lads, Who the hell is K. Rudd???

 

[Creed]

A kiwi, an american and an aussie are walking through the bush. As they wander they find a sheep with its head stuck in a fence, the rear end facing the trio.

The american says "I wish that was Angelina Jolie...........I'd give her a reason to wiggle."

The Aussie says "I wish it was Jennifer Hawkins.........I'd make her glad she was an aussie."

The kiwi says "I wish it was dark"