How are you supposed to cope?

[benjamind2010]

Seems my depression has come back full blown. Rightly so. This morning it was hard to get out of bed, and I didn't get much sleep last night. Thanks guys who supported me, whoever you were, I can't remember your names now because I'm in a brain fog, and sorry to the guys who thought I insulted them.

My instinct is telling me to kill myself, but maybe that's because I've had too much stuff happen to me through no fault of my own and maybe it's time to consider whether life is even worth the trouble. I can't form meaningful relationships because of anxiety issues and depression, and because my brain does not work the way it should due to a birth injury. I am beginning to think death is preferable.

I snapped. Everyone snaps at times. The difference is that people attack me when I had a bad day/week. Most people have respect for others, but seems nobody has any respect for me maybe because I'm a failure or a loser. It's better to be dead than to have to deal with any more hubris.

When you've been through your parents divorcing, had your mother neck herself when you were 12, then while you're in your mid 20s your girlfriend's mother forcing her to have an abortion because being pregnant out of wedlock was embarrassing to your girlfriend's mother, and enduring years of school bullying, being forced into a mental ward and drugged into a zombie-state because you had a breakdown, then you have the right to attack me. Even then, you would still be wrong to do so.

 

[slim6y]

tis' the season...

One of the hardest seasons to get through.

But just reading your post you can tell a few things:

1) (and certainly not in any order) you're clearly intelligent! Look at the spelling, the grammar, the paragraphs, the sentence structure. It's fantastic! You even DIDN'T put an apostrophe for 20s which is 100% correct! OMG, you're what this forum has been needing since... well... Since... Since time (APS) began!!!

2) You've had it tough. I wouldn't say any tougher than some and certainly not easier than others, but you've clearly had it tough.

3) You obviously want people to understand - and the internet must have made a huge difference to so many people with anxiety and depression. I'd say you're not the only one out there right now thinking the same things. We all saw that video which was posted - I know, different kettle of worms... Apples and water melons.... But, still, it makes people stop and think.

Plus - I'm not totally impervious to these symptoms either. I have a GF (who won't like me admitting it) in similar circumstances. But even she can sometimes see there's light at the end of the tunnel despite the increasing amount of frustration that there is.

I assume you have pets - if you do have reptiles, wonderful!

Well, good luck...

 

[benjamind2010]

Well, I brought a lot of it on myself with my tantrums, but still it would be nice for some people to give me another chance - maybe in a couple of years after the dust has settled I may try again. Hopefully those who, for whatever reason, have been angered or hurt or embarrassed by what I've said or done, will have forgotten in good time. Maybe, maybe not. Being a pessimist I don't think so, but maybe miracles can happen. I don't know these people well enough to know what they'll think of me after that time frame has passed, but I figured out most of them would have come to terms with whatever it is I did or said that was wrong and made their way past it.

People need to be more understanding and less judgmental. This is a problem that applies to all people, not just me. I fear though that I'll end up dead through being judged by others. It seems to have become worse in recent times.

 

[Grogshla]

mate please hang in there. I have felt similar feelings in the past and sometimes still have very bad days. Please keep moving forward sometimes all it takes is something unexpected to turn life around
You always have support on here and will always have support and mates who care for you and your health so know that you aren't alone

 

[benjamind2010]

mate please hang in there. I have felt similar feelings in the past and sometimes still have very bad days. Please keep moving forward sometimes all it takes is something unexpected to turn life around
You always have support on here and will always have support and mates who care for you and your health so know that you aren't alone

The breeders of the snakes I have don't want to offer a second chance, just because I threw a bit of a tantrum. I don't think there is any hope for me. If I am wrong, I would certainly be pleased to know, but my instincts tell me that this isn't getting anywhere.

I am willing to give them a second chance, but unfortunately, there doesn't appear to be any reciprocity.

 

[Recharge]

Depression and exercise | Better Health Channel

do you have an exercise regime?

I suffer from chronic fatigue and Fibromyalgia, so I do tend to have to deal with depression when I have elevated pain episodes (I'm always IN pain, but it varies from mild, like having flu like aches and pains, right up to feeling like I've been hit by a car) and sometimes it's a heavy burden to bear.

I've recently started walking almost every day for about 3km, and going to the gym almost every night and doing about 20min workout, 10 reps on every machine there pretty much, and while it doesn't alleviate my symptoms, mentally, it's having an effect, I simply feel better knowing I'm DOING something, and mentally having a reason for being in pain, it's all psychological, but the fact is, it makes a difference.

from what I've read, exercise is one of the best things for depression, it helps change the state of your brain chemistry, so I'd suggest you find a cheap 24 hour gym if you can, and make a start, it's VERY tough going the first month (I'm in my second week, but third week walking)

go swimming, talk up up ti chi or something else, just make some effort, and start some self realisation techniques. if nothing else, you'll get fitter and it'll make you feel better about yourself.

also talk to your doctor, or psychiatrist, and see if your meds can be changed up to sit the change, medication is not a bad thing, especially for clinical depression, and it's a MUST to get the right drugs with the right dose and stick to them, there are support systems in place, you simply have to make use of them, so do it, the ball is in your court.

 

[noved]

hey ben your story is more common than what you think you really do have to try and stop dealing with everything all at once try arranging your thoughts like a filing system only open one draw at a time deal with it then close that draw and work your way through the whole cabinet this way .plus there are plenty of breeders of the snakes you keep and are after.Australia is a big country and there are plenty of breeders out there...the future is all ways brighter then what you think...

 

[AirCooled]

I think that actually there are only 3 major problems that anyone will experience during their lifetime. The problems will manifest themselves differently depending on the circumstances and the people involved, but the hundreds of problems that we all experience actually boil down to just 3 problems. One can be fixed or managed by yourself,Second will take others to help,family,friends,professionals.The last can not be solved or managed at all,so deal with it, move on,why the hell stress about things you can't change!

 

[slide]

Keep your chin up bro. Its great that you have reached out and there has been some very helpful posts, especially about the exercise. Team sports, or even self defense classes could be helpful also as they will introduce you to others and martial arts revolve around mutual respect and may also help to raise your confidence. Good luck mate,

 

[Nighthawk]

One step at a time, don't over think and don't forget to breathe. People get over slights, so try not to stress about insulting anyone or tantrums.
Looking back I don't think I've had it too hard, but each time I hit a bump in the road I concentrate on breathing and remind myself over and over that I'm stronger than I think, and so are you.
That 'instinct' you're talking about is not instinct. It's that cancer in your mind called depression/anxiety and it's not worth your life or your time. Slim6y's right on all 3 points, add that together and it makes for a strong, caring, creative individual who has something to contribute.
I'll second Recharge on exercise, and add focus to the mix. Focus helps me to punch through the dark when it feels all-consuming and allows me to see my depression for what it is; a wizened up creature in the corner whining for attention. Breathe, put one foot in front of the other, and focus on the immediate.

 

[AirCooled]

Hopefully I won't get into trouble for links MensLine Australia: Supporting men and their families Men's Sheds Australian Men's Shed Assocaition AMSA beyondblue: the national depression initiative also others on here have offered to help herp related depending on your location,some might be able to help in other areas

 

[dickyknee]

Hey Ben , being one of the other parties involved in this saga I have no beef with you at all and wish you all the best in what ever you do in life ... BUT I will never sell you any more snakes because of your actions plain and simple.
There are plenty of other breeders out there and I am sure you will find one selling what you are after.

Brett

 

[Selenotypus]

I suffer with Agoraphobia/Sever Panic Disorder. I know Depression well Ben. All I can say is life is rarely worth giving up on. Been damn hard for me over the past 10 years especially, the meaningful relationship department, some of us go through much harder things as kids and adolescents. I always remind myself that we are so damn lucky do even exist and none of us can be sure of anything afterlife. My point is on galaxy where so far it seems it's only us here, through genetic drift and evolution, all the animals before us and our great great great great and so on grandads and grandmas, through trillions of eggs and sperm, you and me exist, when you look at life this way, at least for me, I'm not going to cut my life short, because I know tommorow is a new day and maybe I will smile, even for a moment or post this and feel like I might be helping. If this is our only life, maybe we should ride it out and if we never recover well, least we got to see some cool things other never will. I have about 150vids on youtue blogging about anxiety to tarantulas to playing my fender.

"We just get the one life, you know. Just one. You can't live someone else's or think it's more important just because it's more dramatic. What happens matters. May be only to us, but it matters. " - Gwen (Ghost Town)

Tom

 

[snakeluvver]

Hey I really sympathise with you, and due to my age and lack of knowledge in psycology I'm unsure what to say except hang in there.
May I suggest though that maybe posting on a forum isn't the best idea as it's an open invitation for the scum of society to make an attack on you as they are behind a keyboard and therefore anonymous.
Do you have many people to talk about these things to? I think that would be the best idea.
However reading the previous posts I can see this resulted from something else that happened over APS or something that Im unaware of

 

[thomasssss]

is this over him not getting a few snakes and someone close to me once said that you have to take your time to be depressed,angry,sad and to grieve otherwise the things you have been through will come back to haunt you and seriously mate i have felt how you feel but over more serious issues if your depression has come back as you say because you had an argument with some snake breeders and they wont sell snakes to you sorry but get over it i have had a very similar life to you and would never let something like that worry me to this point

 

[Selenotypus]

Also Ben, I know what you mean by the tantrums, when ya down and out, you attack people close to you life the girl you like who doesn't like you, even if they are an angel, you get angry well I do.. did...she gave up and had had enough, I'm not sure why we have such dramatic tantrums, but they are hard to stop, that old saying "it feels good to feel bad", sometimes I wonder if I provoke people only to go in my room and feel sorry for myself.

 

[benjamind2010]

BUT

This is the root of the problem. You were hurt, sorry for that, but you don't want to offer a second chance.
I didn't mean to, and you need to see that and recognise that.

 

[Recharge]

it is not the responsibility of others to give you a second chance, if they do, that's their decision, sometimes, what's done is done and you just have to accept the responsibility, learn from the encounter, not blame others for your own actions and move on.
doesn't matter if you didn't meant to, you did and that's the end of the story, so pick yourself up and be more careful in future, being ill doesn't remove your personal accountability or remove others decisions to either deal with you or not, such is life.

 

[Ramsayi]

This is the root of the problem. You were hurt, sorry for that, but you don't want to offer a second chance.
I didn't mean to, and you need to see that and recognise that.

You aren't doing yourself any favours by trying to lay the blame of your depression onto someone else.You also shouldn't try to play the depression card to manipulate or try and force people top see things your way.A reptile forum is not the place to get help.There are plenty of places that can give advice which are far more qualified than anyone on here,I suggest you utilize those places.

 

[dickyknee]

This is the root of the problem. You were hurt, sorry for that, but you don't want to offer a second chance.
I didn't mean to, and you need to see that and recognise that.

I am not hurt in the slightest , but you did wrong not me ... I sold you perfectly healthy eating snakes and you posted on here that they were duds and non feeders , I don't need to offer you a second chance and I wont be.

Like I said there are stacks of breeders out there who will be willing to help you out in the future.