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IsK67

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[SIZE=-1] A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.


After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.


Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!"


The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out.


The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another drink!!" The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.


By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.


The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly The bar falls silent.


The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,

*

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(Wait for it)

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(It's coming)

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(Ya ready?)

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(Don't hate me)

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(Ya gonna hate me)

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(Take a deep breath)

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*


"He should've quit while he was a head!"
[/SIZE]
 
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and helpme. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The Blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then..... "He said with a deep sigh "Let's put all these corn flakes back in the box."
 
A man takes his new car out for a drive on a nice sunny sunday afternoon and decides that because he is on a nice open stretch of road he will open her up... Slowly the gauge climbs 120.....140... when he hears a siren he goes faster still 160....180 eventually though he pulls over and the police officer approaches... The officer says

"Sir you were going quite a bit over the designated speed... It is friday, i am at the end of my shift I don't want to go back to the office to do paper work. So if you can give me a really good reason for why you were speeding away from me I will let you of with a warning only..."

The man thinks for a moment and says

"Well sir last week my wife ran away with a police officer and i thought you were him, trying to give her back..."

The officer grins
"consider yourself warned, have a nice day"
 
biker bar

A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his
way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a
while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky
voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I
think it's only fair, since you are blind, that you should know five
things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. Blonde with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional
weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
"No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
 

Last one from me...

A magician worked on a cruise ship.
The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem:
The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.
Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.
The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... with the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day.. and then 2 days ... and then 3 days...
Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said:
.
"OK, I give up. Where's the ship?"
 
Last edited by a moderator:
Question
what has hundreds of teeth and holds back a monster???


Answer
My zipper
 
Q.Who is the only 80 kilo jockey to ride a melbourne cup winner ?




A. Chris munces cell mate
 
Dead Duck

A woman brought a very limp duck into a vet. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your duck has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm quite sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean,you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat.

The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.

"$150!", she cried. "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
 
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello.
He's rather taken a back because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"
She looks into his eyes and says calmly,
"No, I'm your son's teacher."
 
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