Joke thread

[militant_vixen]

Blonde's year in review
January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels..... Helllloooo!!!.....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!

March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months....box said "2-4 years!"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions.... 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....car swamped because the top was open.

September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it??

October - Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!

December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!

 

[militant_vixen]

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking
company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the
lawyer.Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had
just loaded my favourite mule, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer
the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm
fine!'?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was
driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to
establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway
Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after
the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.

Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde 's answer and
said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite
mule, Bessie".

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded.

"Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop
sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and
Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't
want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I
knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a
Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning
so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal
condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.


Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at
me,and said, "How are you feeling?"


"Now what the F-ck would you say?

 

[militant_vixen]

At the end of the financial year the Tax Office sent an inspector to
audit the books of a synagogue.

While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said "I
notice you buy a lot of candles; what do you do with the candle
drippings?

"Good question," said the Rabbi "We save them up & send them back to the
candle makers, & every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual
question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious
manner.

"What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the
crumbs?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to
trap him with an unanswerable question.

"We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now
and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster
the know-it-all Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover
foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up
all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year
they send us a complete dick".

 

[militant_vixen]

Management Lesson

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office.....but she belonged
to someone else...One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to
her and said I'll give you a $1000 dollars if you let me make love to
you....but the girl said NO.

Johnny said I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend
down, I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. She thought for a
moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend.....so she
called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says "ask him
for $2000 dollars, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to
get his pants down."

So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by and the
boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45
minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened......

She said "The ******* used coins"

Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal in its entirety
before agreeing to it and getting screwed.

 

[militant_vixen]

A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although
very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with
his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right
back.

"Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face," he answered. I'm going to have a
beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the
refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12
different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could
think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar... You know...
they have frozen glasses... "

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him
by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer
mug out of the freezer, so frozen that he was getting chills just
holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the
bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't
be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took
out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in
blankets, mushroom caps, sushi and little quiches.

"But my sweet honey... at the bar.... you know there's swearing, dirty
words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN ****! SIT YOUR ASS
DOWN, SHUT THE **** UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR
HORS D'OEUVRES, BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR!
THAT CRAP IS OVER, GOT IT, DIP****?"

And, they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story?

 

[militant_vixen]

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table.

He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest,meanest, biker in the face and says, "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked... Man, she is one fine looking woman!"

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word! His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says, "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, best I ever had!"

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table, one more time, and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, . . . Your grandma liked it!"

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders and looks him square in the eyes and says . . . . . .

"Grandpa. . . . . . . . Go Home, You're drunk!"

 

[militant_vixen]

Life in the Australian Army...

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not
in the know, Eromanga is a smalltown, west of Quilpie in the far south west of
Queensland)

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army
is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick
smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first,
because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz
all yagotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya
uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!!
Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and
even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum
stew like wot Mum makes. Youdon't get fed again until noon and by
that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' -
geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting
medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum
and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our
big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya
gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of
piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges they comes in little boxes and ya
don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when
you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz
they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori
and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the
platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers -
he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya
know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet,but I foughthim till the
other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets
around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila

 

[militant_vixen]

This morning on the freeway, I looked over to my left and there was a
WOMAN! in a brand new Ford Territory doing 100k, with her face up
against the rear view mirror, putting on her eyeliner!!


I looked away for a couple seconds, and when I looked back she was
halfway over in my lane, still working on that damn makeup.


As a man, I don't scare easily, but she scared me so much I dropped my
electric shaver, which knocked the McMuffin out of my other hand.


In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile phone, which fell away from my ear into my coffee which was between my legs, splashed and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my pants and and disconnected an important call.


Bloody women drivers!!!!

 

[militant_vixen]

Why I fired my Secretary.

Last week was my birthday and I didn’t' feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say ‘Happy Birthday!’

And possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone ‘Happy Birthday.’
I thought… Well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids… They will remember.

My kids came bounding downstairs to breakfast and didn’t say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, ‘Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!’

It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o’clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, ‘You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside, and it’s your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.’

I said, ‘Thanks, Jane, that’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day.
Let’s go!’

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She
chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two
martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, it's such a
beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We?"

I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's
drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if
you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment.
I'll be right back."

"Ok." I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ... Followed by my wife, my kids, and
dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".

And I just sat there...

On the couch...

Naked.

 

[militant_vixen]

in the spirit of easter:
A guy who's driving down the road hits the easter bunny. He gets out of his car and attends to the accident. He realises that the bunny's dead - and that there's a possibility that easter wont be happening this year. He starts sobbing because he cant figure out to do. A lady who's driving by notices the man sobbing. She pulls over and asks him "what's wrong?" He replies, "I think I've deprived the easter experience for 100's of children this year".

She goes to him, I think I've got a solution to your problem. She walks back to her car and pulls out a spray can. She empties and soaks the content of this can on the rabbit. A few seconds later, the bunny miraculously wakes up, picks his basket of eggs - waves to the couple and starts hopping down the road. 50 metres down the road, he turns around and waves to them once more - and ever 50 metres after that.

The man stands there flabergastered. He asks 'what the hell is in that can?'. She goes "its hair spray: it brings life to dead hairs. Permanent waves"

 

[militant_vixen]

THE LOVE DRESS


A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house.

She knocked on the door then immediately walked
in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law laying on the couch, totally
naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

What are you doing?" she asked. I'm waiting for Michael to come home from
work."
The daughter-in-law answered.

But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
'This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law replied.
Love dress? But you're naked!"

Michael loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him no end.
Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly
becomes romantic and ravages me for hours. He can't get enough of me".

The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on
her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the
couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so
provocatively.

What are you doing?" he asked.

This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

Needs ironing," he said, "What's for dinner?".

 

[militant_vixen]

The Parrot

A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant shows her a
beautiful African Grey parrot.

"What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, and it's an absolute steal at
only $20."

"Why is it so cheap?" the woman asks.

"Well", replies the assistant, "It used to live in a brothel and as a result
its language is a touch fruity".

"Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up,

"I'm broad minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot". So
saying,she buys the parrot and takes him home.

Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the
woman. "F.... me, a new brothel and a new madam".

"I'm not a madam and this is not a brothel," scolds the woman trying not to
laugh.

A little later the woman's two teenage daughters arrive home.

"Un f...king-believable. A new brothel, a new madam, and now two new
prostitutes," says
the parrot when he sees the daughters.

"Mum, tell your parrot to shut up, we're not prostitutes" complain the
girls, but they all see the funny side and have a laugh at their new pet.

A short while later, the woman's husband, Dave, comes home.

"In-******ing-credible, a new brothel, a new madam, new prostitutes, but the
same old clients.... How ya doin', Dave?"

 

[militant_vixen]

Reasons not to flirt:

The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by her not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain, and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked," Did you dance much?" He replied, I'll tell you; I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening.

" You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your brother, apparently he had the time of his life".

 

[militant_vixen]

A normal 30 something, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks,

"Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island.

I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he said. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts and they sit down on her couch to talk.

After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor in the bathroom cabinet."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?"

She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing.

"You mean...", and he swallows excitedly and tears start to
form in his eyes..............................
..............
..................................
..........................
.................."Don't tell me you've got Sky Sports"

 

[-=Surflifesaver=-]

NEWS JUST IN!

The west coast Eagles have just got a new BIG TIME sponsor "Hungry JACKS", Now Hungry Jacks have made new meals to go with their new team some of the meals included were

A Beau Waters meals for the Kiddies which was a junior whopper, small fires , and a small coke

A Ashely Hansen meal which included a Double whopper with bacon, large fries, extra large
coke.

and there last new meal was a Ben Cousins meal which had no burger, no fries, just.......... COKE AND ICE

 

[eerin]

why did the chicken cross the road?

firstly who know's
secondly it didnt make it

 

[DiamondAsh]

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral attended by fellow
physicians, family members, and friends. A huge heart covered in flowers
stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.


At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral .I'm a gynecologist."

 

[DiamondAsh]

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy.

He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer
from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop
from Houston. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at
the
deputy's expense.

"License and registration, please" asks the Deputy

"What for?" asks the lawyer.

"You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign" the Deputy
replies.

Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and
registration, please."

"What's the difference?" asks the lawyer.

"The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that' s the law.
License and registration, please!" the Deputy replies.

The lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow
down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give
me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Deputy says, "sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating
the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop
or just slow down?"

 

[IsK67]

How does the man on the moon get his hair cut?


Eclipse it!



IsK

 

[slim6y]

::Walks up to IsK and shoots him::