"Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive."
And so the secret is out. I must say it's a big releif really, a load off my shoulders.
It's a strain having to keep up false pretenses, and a bit sad too, because
I have hated every minute of it. So many nice people, and due to my own
choices, I must pretend a new identity.
When i first joined APS, shortly after buying my first pc, I had no experience
relating to folk online what so ever. They were names on the screen, I just could not
reconcile the fact that these names were people, real people, for better or worse.
just as real as folk on the outside, "in real life", as I thought of it then.
This online community opened up a whole other place for me. It was a bit much to handle
I suppose. Instead of it being a place where I could share experiences etc, sadly,
it became a release from my boring job, my demanding kids, the bills....
In short, from reality.
As a consequence, a most unfortunate one, it also tended to become a release from
my normal inhibitions. To my mind, it was "just the internet", though you could "talk" to
other people, it didnt seem real somehow. like alot of people i'd heard about, I soon became
addicted, as "wattso's" post count will attest. (still addicted!)
Being online became somewhere to "let loose", if you upset someone, there was no sense
of shame or regret, you couldnt see the result, except words on the screen. As time went on
I lost all sense of who I was, I changed into a person (online) so different to my real self
that i didnt see it. sometimes, I would go so far, that even through the haze, I would
realise,, "oh my, did I really say/do that?" where did that come from. I would apologise sincerly
and mean it too. But like a gambler, Id slip back into old habits. And each slip, i fell further.
Some older members and admin will remember, how bad i got. Argue black n blue against all
logic, deliberatly post provocative stuff and shockingly bad advice, because it was fun, like a pokie jackpot. In short, wattso was a horrible person.
Just writing this fills me with awful shame. After poor Slatey finally got the jack of it and
banned me, I stayed offline for quite a while. I would read through old threads and see just
how bad I was. it was a big reality check. At first I decided i would never become part of
an online community again, it was obvious I couldnt handle it, and I never wanted to be
like wattso ever again.
After a month or so I really missed it, not being a horrible person, but being able to chat
to people with like intrest. I missed the people, especially those who hated me. not because
they hated me, but because I really liked them.
I decided i needed an online "schooling" so i joined an american site, and I kept a tight rein on myself. I learned self control, how to "stay real". I constantly reminded myself who I am, and
slowly, I became a well liked, decent, helpful member of that community, more importantly,
I was still the real me. Eventually, when I felt I could trust myself, I decided to join APS
again, under a new identity. Certainly, wattso was dead for good, I could never be him again.
So I registered, i chose a name at the last minute from the newspaper beside me (like mrs doubtfire) And became mike brenna.
I knew i could not join under my real name, I would be hated immediatly, I wanted to stay long enough to prove myself changed. Here is where that tangled web began!
Despite what some might now be thinking, I was never a good deceiver, there is always guilt
involved, not only that, if you tell lies, you have to have a good memory or you trip yourself up.
So much for my memory. Having chosen a new id, there were some other things to consider.
Firstly, how old was mike Brenna? First mistake, (told you im a lousy liar) I decided (stupidly)
To choose an age as far from mine as possible, to avoid suspicion. I chose about 13 years.
my first post's then, had to reflect that. I soon realised this just wouldnt do, afterall I wanted to be able to post helpful advice, couldnt do that as a 13 y.o. gradually i let on I had more experience than that. Second mistake, I decided (having forgotten now i was 13) that i was about 19.
First person i told that was springherp in chat. (sorry springherp, hope you forgive me)
second time my age came up I kept to what i last remembered (19) My deepest apologies mudmum. This was just before i realised that cat was out of the bag.
As time went on, I realised that the real me was becoming evident in the maturity of my post's.
Several times certain members alluded to it, but it passed without further comment, so i thought i was safe. By this time, I was terribly afraid, someone would would see thru the new id, and it would all be over, even though it was weighing heavily on me, i feared exposure would see me banned from my beloved aps again.
The longer it went on, the more trapped in the new persona I became. Every contact was tainted by guilt, so many really kind, terrific folk, thinking I was a 19 y.o., yet what could I do, I just didnt have the courage to tell the community, even after a few months, that I was once this awful person.
how could I risk this new found freindship and respect. Even, now some will not forgive my betrayal
and as sad as that makes me, i understand.
Suddenly, a strange thing happened. I received a pm from Slatey, suggesting I be a moderater.
God, i felt horrible, full of guilt. How could I possibly accept, This was the person wattso hurt most,
possibly the most kind and tolerant man I had ever met. Yet how could I refuse, even if he didnt know who I once was, he beleived in me, had faith in me and I couldnt let him down. This was also a chance to make a contribution to the site that wattso abused so badly, so I said ok.
Then came shock! A certain member boldy posted mentioning the similarity of persona of instar to wattso (at his best) . I was sure the bomb had gone off. To my surprise, the post vanished less than a minute later, as though it had never been. What was i to think? Why was it deleted.? did the poster deleted after a change of heart or admin?
Did Slatey and admin know who i was from the beginning? or atleast before the bombshell?
Did this mean, I had been fooling myself? or did they know but not care because I had managed
to prove I was not really anything like wattso (except I still post too much) ? Had i atlast proven myself a decent person, despite past mistakes? so much so that they were testing me further by
asking me to moderate. ?
This was eating me up something shocking, not only the flu has been keeping me awake.
I received a pm from another older member a day or two ago, congratulating me on the mod thing,
addressed to my real name, I knew then atleast he among a few others knew for sure, but he kept his peace (thankyou). Tonight (mon) some obvious post were made, so I have decided to tell you all my story.
My real name is Daniel,Im really 35, Im married with two little girls 8 & 10, I have 1 carpet, few turtles. I do have
quite a bit of experience, most by proxy, but hands on none the less. I have old close freinds who have been breeding various herps for about 8 years and most of what i know comes from them.
I only decided to get my own license just over two years ago. (god this feels good)
I do work as a shop fitter and will face my first flight in a few weeks. My wife works with deaf/blind/disabled kids.
I have personally met Slateman and family, Greg and family, Popp, Steve the Pom, Mark, Fangs, Seth, Nicole and a few others who's names elude me now. The herping "father" I mentioned is really my best freind Ian, My real Father died when I was very young.
Apart from the obvious lies, everything ive told you is the truth, and any advice I have given is advice Im sure of, proven and true. There are some embarressingly horrible pics of me in the gallery, One in particular is after sculling a cup of Slateys famous firewater.
(please I beg you, look but leave them buried!) I look a little different now, decent haircut, some strands of grey showing.
Well, There it is, The whole story, The whole truth (minus unessesary details of wattso's horrible behaviour) You have all come to know "Instar", you have all come to know me, "instar" is who and what i am in real life. I wish that i had been myself the first time around. Hiding under false id has been a nightmare. Its also very sad. I would love to meet all the new folk, i would especially have loved to have met Byrony and others recently at la peruse (I will get there yet, I still want johns autograph) My deepest apolgies for yet another nessesary deception. The quote at the top of the page is so true!
That's it, for better or worse, it's good to unburden myself, the truth is always the best option, trust me.
My deepest apologies and sincerest regret for my deception to everyone, weather you knew the truth or not. I made many mistakes in the past, and more untill recently. it would have been much easier to email slatey and simply beg for another chance, and come what may ,take it like the man i am. I am glad atleast that i was able to show my true self, albeit in disgiuse. Wattso is dead, Daniel is alive and well, and much the wiser!
My fate is in your hands Mr Slateman, I have my suspicions that you were never fooled, but that you were good hearted enough to let me stay and prove myself. Perhaps you, like me thought it best that "wattso" was not mentioned to avoid negative feeling? Either way, I hope that now you are sure who I really am. Whatever you decide, I will understand, accept and move on.
I want to thank you, and all members too, for your freindship over the last few months since I joined as instar. It has been so enjoyable to be part of a community of terrific folk, lots of fun and a learning experience.
If you decide to remove me from the community, I will take this opportunity to bid you all a fond fairwell, with sadness but gladness too, for the time i've had. If we part company, i wish it on honest open, and good terms with everyone. I would miss this site immensly, working the odd hours i do, its become like a favorit bar, full of freinds, always there to share a joke or two. If you wish it, I will
not rejoin ever again (I will never ever again pretend to be someone im not, Im too old for crap like that) I have vowed always to be true to myself from this point on.
If you decide to let me stay, and those I have deceived can forgive me and forget, I will continue to be myself (instar) ever after, and continue to contribute to this site as much as I am able.
Sorry this is such a long post, older members will know im notorious for them, particularly
when I am sincere. Thats all, let the god of fates roll the dice!
yours Daniel (instar)
And so the secret is out. I must say it's a big releif really, a load off my shoulders.
It's a strain having to keep up false pretenses, and a bit sad too, because
I have hated every minute of it. So many nice people, and due to my own
choices, I must pretend a new identity.
When i first joined APS, shortly after buying my first pc, I had no experience
relating to folk online what so ever. They were names on the screen, I just could not
reconcile the fact that these names were people, real people, for better or worse.
just as real as folk on the outside, "in real life", as I thought of it then.
This online community opened up a whole other place for me. It was a bit much to handle
I suppose. Instead of it being a place where I could share experiences etc, sadly,
it became a release from my boring job, my demanding kids, the bills....
In short, from reality.
As a consequence, a most unfortunate one, it also tended to become a release from
my normal inhibitions. To my mind, it was "just the internet", though you could "talk" to
other people, it didnt seem real somehow. like alot of people i'd heard about, I soon became
addicted, as "wattso's" post count will attest. (still addicted!)
Being online became somewhere to "let loose", if you upset someone, there was no sense
of shame or regret, you couldnt see the result, except words on the screen. As time went on
I lost all sense of who I was, I changed into a person (online) so different to my real self
that i didnt see it. sometimes, I would go so far, that even through the haze, I would
realise,, "oh my, did I really say/do that?" where did that come from. I would apologise sincerly
and mean it too. But like a gambler, Id slip back into old habits. And each slip, i fell further.
Some older members and admin will remember, how bad i got. Argue black n blue against all
logic, deliberatly post provocative stuff and shockingly bad advice, because it was fun, like a pokie jackpot. In short, wattso was a horrible person.
Just writing this fills me with awful shame. After poor Slatey finally got the jack of it and
banned me, I stayed offline for quite a while. I would read through old threads and see just
how bad I was. it was a big reality check. At first I decided i would never become part of
an online community again, it was obvious I couldnt handle it, and I never wanted to be
like wattso ever again.
After a month or so I really missed it, not being a horrible person, but being able to chat
to people with like intrest. I missed the people, especially those who hated me. not because
they hated me, but because I really liked them.
I decided i needed an online "schooling" so i joined an american site, and I kept a tight rein on myself. I learned self control, how to "stay real". I constantly reminded myself who I am, and
slowly, I became a well liked, decent, helpful member of that community, more importantly,
I was still the real me. Eventually, when I felt I could trust myself, I decided to join APS
again, under a new identity. Certainly, wattso was dead for good, I could never be him again.
So I registered, i chose a name at the last minute from the newspaper beside me (like mrs doubtfire) And became mike brenna.
I knew i could not join under my real name, I would be hated immediatly, I wanted to stay long enough to prove myself changed. Here is where that tangled web began!
Despite what some might now be thinking, I was never a good deceiver, there is always guilt
involved, not only that, if you tell lies, you have to have a good memory or you trip yourself up.
So much for my memory. Having chosen a new id, there were some other things to consider.
Firstly, how old was mike Brenna? First mistake, (told you im a lousy liar) I decided (stupidly)
To choose an age as far from mine as possible, to avoid suspicion. I chose about 13 years.
my first post's then, had to reflect that. I soon realised this just wouldnt do, afterall I wanted to be able to post helpful advice, couldnt do that as a 13 y.o. gradually i let on I had more experience than that. Second mistake, I decided (having forgotten now i was 13) that i was about 19.
First person i told that was springherp in chat. (sorry springherp, hope you forgive me)
second time my age came up I kept to what i last remembered (19) My deepest apologies mudmum. This was just before i realised that cat was out of the bag.
As time went on, I realised that the real me was becoming evident in the maturity of my post's.
Several times certain members alluded to it, but it passed without further comment, so i thought i was safe. By this time, I was terribly afraid, someone would would see thru the new id, and it would all be over, even though it was weighing heavily on me, i feared exposure would see me banned from my beloved aps again.
The longer it went on, the more trapped in the new persona I became. Every contact was tainted by guilt, so many really kind, terrific folk, thinking I was a 19 y.o., yet what could I do, I just didnt have the courage to tell the community, even after a few months, that I was once this awful person.
how could I risk this new found freindship and respect. Even, now some will not forgive my betrayal
and as sad as that makes me, i understand.
Suddenly, a strange thing happened. I received a pm from Slatey, suggesting I be a moderater.
God, i felt horrible, full of guilt. How could I possibly accept, This was the person wattso hurt most,
possibly the most kind and tolerant man I had ever met. Yet how could I refuse, even if he didnt know who I once was, he beleived in me, had faith in me and I couldnt let him down. This was also a chance to make a contribution to the site that wattso abused so badly, so I said ok.
Then came shock! A certain member boldy posted mentioning the similarity of persona of instar to wattso (at his best) . I was sure the bomb had gone off. To my surprise, the post vanished less than a minute later, as though it had never been. What was i to think? Why was it deleted.? did the poster deleted after a change of heart or admin?
Did Slatey and admin know who i was from the beginning? or atleast before the bombshell?
Did this mean, I had been fooling myself? or did they know but not care because I had managed
to prove I was not really anything like wattso (except I still post too much) ? Had i atlast proven myself a decent person, despite past mistakes? so much so that they were testing me further by
asking me to moderate. ?
This was eating me up something shocking, not only the flu has been keeping me awake.
I received a pm from another older member a day or two ago, congratulating me on the mod thing,
addressed to my real name, I knew then atleast he among a few others knew for sure, but he kept his peace (thankyou). Tonight (mon) some obvious post were made, so I have decided to tell you all my story.
My real name is Daniel,Im really 35, Im married with two little girls 8 & 10, I have 1 carpet, few turtles. I do have
quite a bit of experience, most by proxy, but hands on none the less. I have old close freinds who have been breeding various herps for about 8 years and most of what i know comes from them.
I only decided to get my own license just over two years ago. (god this feels good)
I do work as a shop fitter and will face my first flight in a few weeks. My wife works with deaf/blind/disabled kids.
I have personally met Slateman and family, Greg and family, Popp, Steve the Pom, Mark, Fangs, Seth, Nicole and a few others who's names elude me now. The herping "father" I mentioned is really my best freind Ian, My real Father died when I was very young.
Apart from the obvious lies, everything ive told you is the truth, and any advice I have given is advice Im sure of, proven and true. There are some embarressingly horrible pics of me in the gallery, One in particular is after sculling a cup of Slateys famous firewater.
(please I beg you, look but leave them buried!) I look a little different now, decent haircut, some strands of grey showing.
Well, There it is, The whole story, The whole truth (minus unessesary details of wattso's horrible behaviour) You have all come to know "Instar", you have all come to know me, "instar" is who and what i am in real life. I wish that i had been myself the first time around. Hiding under false id has been a nightmare. Its also very sad. I would love to meet all the new folk, i would especially have loved to have met Byrony and others recently at la peruse (I will get there yet, I still want johns autograph) My deepest apolgies for yet another nessesary deception. The quote at the top of the page is so true!
That's it, for better or worse, it's good to unburden myself, the truth is always the best option, trust me.
My deepest apologies and sincerest regret for my deception to everyone, weather you knew the truth or not. I made many mistakes in the past, and more untill recently. it would have been much easier to email slatey and simply beg for another chance, and come what may ,take it like the man i am. I am glad atleast that i was able to show my true self, albeit in disgiuse. Wattso is dead, Daniel is alive and well, and much the wiser!
My fate is in your hands Mr Slateman, I have my suspicions that you were never fooled, but that you were good hearted enough to let me stay and prove myself. Perhaps you, like me thought it best that "wattso" was not mentioned to avoid negative feeling? Either way, I hope that now you are sure who I really am. Whatever you decide, I will understand, accept and move on.
I want to thank you, and all members too, for your freindship over the last few months since I joined as instar. It has been so enjoyable to be part of a community of terrific folk, lots of fun and a learning experience.
If you decide to remove me from the community, I will take this opportunity to bid you all a fond fairwell, with sadness but gladness too, for the time i've had. If we part company, i wish it on honest open, and good terms with everyone. I would miss this site immensly, working the odd hours i do, its become like a favorit bar, full of freinds, always there to share a joke or two. If you wish it, I will
not rejoin ever again (I will never ever again pretend to be someone im not, Im too old for crap like that) I have vowed always to be true to myself from this point on.
If you decide to let me stay, and those I have deceived can forgive me and forget, I will continue to be myself (instar) ever after, and continue to contribute to this site as much as I am able.
Sorry this is such a long post, older members will know im notorious for them, particularly
when I am sincere. Thats all, let the god of fates roll the dice!
yours Daniel (instar)
Em
