Confession Instar

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instar

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"Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive."
And so the secret is out. I must say it's a big releif really, a load off my shoulders.
It's a strain having to keep up false pretenses, and a bit sad too, because
I have hated every minute of it. So many nice people, and due to my own
choices, I must pretend a new identity.
When i first joined APS, shortly after buying my first pc, I had no experience
relating to folk online what so ever. They were names on the screen, I just could not
reconcile the fact that these names were people, real people, for better or worse.
just as real as folk on the outside, "in real life", as I thought of it then.
This online community opened up a whole other place for me. It was a bit much to handle
I suppose. Instead of it being a place where I could share experiences etc, sadly,
it became a release from my boring job, my demanding kids, the bills....
In short, from reality.
As a consequence, a most unfortunate one, it also tended to become a release from
my normal inhibitions. To my mind, it was "just the internet", though you could "talk" to
other people, it didnt seem real somehow. like alot of people i'd heard about, I soon became
addicted, as "wattso's" post count will attest. (still addicted!)
Being online became somewhere to "let loose", if you upset someone, there was no sense
of shame or regret, you couldnt see the result, except words on the screen. As time went on
I lost all sense of who I was, I changed into a person (online) so different to my real self
that i didnt see it. sometimes, I would go so far, that even through the haze, I would
realise,, "oh my, did I really say/do that?" where did that come from. I would apologise sincerly
and mean it too. But like a gambler, Id slip back into old habits. And each slip, i fell further.
Some older members and admin will remember, how bad i got. Argue black n blue against all
logic, deliberatly post provocative stuff and shockingly bad advice, because it was fun, like a pokie jackpot. In short, wattso was a horrible person.
Just writing this fills me with awful shame. After poor Slatey finally got the jack of it and
banned me, I stayed offline for quite a while. I would read through old threads and see just
how bad I was. it was a big reality check. At first I decided i would never become part of
an online community again, it was obvious I couldnt handle it, and I never wanted to be
like wattso ever again.
After a month or so I really missed it, not being a horrible person, but being able to chat
to people with like intrest. I missed the people, especially those who hated me. not because
they hated me, but because I really liked them.
I decided i needed an online "schooling" so i joined an american site, and I kept a tight rein on myself. I learned self control, how to "stay real". I constantly reminded myself who I am, and
slowly, I became a well liked, decent, helpful member of that community, more importantly,
I was still the real me. Eventually, when I felt I could trust myself, I decided to join APS
again, under a new identity. Certainly, wattso was dead for good, I could never be him again.
So I registered, i chose a name at the last minute from the newspaper beside me (like mrs doubtfire) And became mike brenna.
I knew i could not join under my real name, I would be hated immediatly, I wanted to stay long enough to prove myself changed. Here is where that tangled web began!
Despite what some might now be thinking, I was never a good deceiver, there is always guilt
involved, not only that, if you tell lies, you have to have a good memory or you trip yourself up.
So much for my memory. Having chosen a new id, there were some other things to consider.
Firstly, how old was mike Brenna? First mistake, (told you im a lousy liar) I decided (stupidly)
To choose an age as far from mine as possible, to avoid suspicion. I chose about 13 years.
my first post's then, had to reflect that. I soon realised this just wouldnt do, afterall I wanted to be able to post helpful advice, couldnt do that as a 13 y.o. gradually i let on I had more experience than that. Second mistake, I decided (having forgotten now i was 13) that i was about 19.
First person i told that was springherp in chat. (sorry springherp, hope you forgive me)
second time my age came up I kept to what i last remembered (19) My deepest apologies mudmum. This was just before i realised that cat was out of the bag.
As time went on, I realised that the real me was becoming evident in the maturity of my post's.
Several times certain members alluded to it, but it passed without further comment, so i thought i was safe. By this time, I was terribly afraid, someone would would see thru the new id, and it would all be over, even though it was weighing heavily on me, i feared exposure would see me banned from my beloved aps again.
The longer it went on, the more trapped in the new persona I became. Every contact was tainted by guilt, so many really kind, terrific folk, thinking I was a 19 y.o., yet what could I do, I just didnt have the courage to tell the community, even after a few months, that I was once this awful person.
how could I risk this new found freindship and respect. Even, now some will not forgive my betrayal
and as sad as that makes me, i understand.
Suddenly, a strange thing happened. I received a pm from Slatey, suggesting I be a moderater.
God, i felt horrible, full of guilt. How could I possibly accept, This was the person wattso hurt most,
possibly the most kind and tolerant man I had ever met. Yet how could I refuse, even if he didnt know who I once was, he beleived in me, had faith in me and I couldnt let him down. This was also a chance to make a contribution to the site that wattso abused so badly, so I said ok.
Then came shock! A certain member boldy posted mentioning the similarity of persona of instar to wattso (at his best) . I was sure the bomb had gone off. To my surprise, the post vanished less than a minute later, as though it had never been. What was i to think? Why was it deleted.? did the poster deleted after a change of heart or admin?
Did Slatey and admin know who i was from the beginning? or atleast before the bombshell?
Did this mean, I had been fooling myself? or did they know but not care because I had managed
to prove I was not really anything like wattso (except I still post too much) ? Had i atlast proven myself a decent person, despite past mistakes? so much so that they were testing me further by
asking me to moderate. ?
This was eating me up something shocking, not only the flu has been keeping me awake.
I received a pm from another older member a day or two ago, congratulating me on the mod thing,
addressed to my real name, I knew then atleast he among a few others knew for sure, but he kept his peace (thankyou). Tonight (mon) some obvious post were made, so I have decided to tell you all my story.
My real name is Daniel,Im really 35, Im married with two little girls 8 & 10, I have 1 carpet, few turtles. I do have
quite a bit of experience, most by proxy, but hands on none the less. I have old close freinds who have been breeding various herps for about 8 years and most of what i know comes from them.
I only decided to get my own license just over two years ago. (god this feels good)
I do work as a shop fitter and will face my first flight in a few weeks. My wife works with deaf/blind/disabled kids.
I have personally met Slateman and family, Greg and family, Popp, Steve the Pom, Mark, Fangs, Seth, Nicole and a few others who's names elude me now. The herping "father" I mentioned is really my best freind Ian, My real Father died when I was very young.
Apart from the obvious lies, everything ive told you is the truth, and any advice I have given is advice Im sure of, proven and true. There are some embarressingly horrible pics of me in the gallery, One in particular is after sculling a cup of Slateys famous firewater.
(please I beg you, look but leave them buried!) I look a little different now, decent haircut, some strands of grey showing.
Well, There it is, The whole story, The whole truth (minus unessesary details of wattso's horrible behaviour) You have all come to know "Instar", you have all come to know me, "instar" is who and what i am in real life. I wish that i had been myself the first time around. Hiding under false id has been a nightmare. Its also very sad. I would love to meet all the new folk, i would especially have loved to have met Byrony and others recently at la peruse (I will get there yet, I still want johns autograph) My deepest apolgies for yet another nessesary deception. The quote at the top of the page is so true!
That's it, for better or worse, it's good to unburden myself, the truth is always the best option, trust me.
My deepest apologies and sincerest regret for my deception to everyone, weather you knew the truth or not. I made many mistakes in the past, and more untill recently. it would have been much easier to email slatey and simply beg for another chance, and come what may ,take it like the man i am. I am glad atleast that i was able to show my true self, albeit in disgiuse. Wattso is dead, Daniel is alive and well, and much the wiser!
My fate is in your hands Mr Slateman, I have my suspicions that you were never fooled, but that you were good hearted enough to let me stay and prove myself. Perhaps you, like me thought it best that "wattso" was not mentioned to avoid negative feeling? Either way, I hope that now you are sure who I really am. Whatever you decide, I will understand, accept and move on.
I want to thank you, and all members too, for your freindship over the last few months since I joined as instar. It has been so enjoyable to be part of a community of terrific folk, lots of fun and a learning experience.
If you decide to remove me from the community, I will take this opportunity to bid you all a fond fairwell, with sadness but gladness too, for the time i've had. If we part company, i wish it on honest open, and good terms with everyone. I would miss this site immensly, working the odd hours i do, its become like a favorit bar, full of freinds, always there to share a joke or two. If you wish it, I will
not rejoin ever again (I will never ever again pretend to be someone im not, Im too old for crap like that) I have vowed always to be true to myself from this point on.
If you decide to let me stay, and those I have deceived can forgive me and forget, I will continue to be myself (instar) ever after, and continue to contribute to this site as much as I am able.
Sorry this is such a long post, older members will know im notorious for them, particularly
when I am sincere. Thats all, let the god of fates roll the dice!
yours Daniel (instar)
 
Aw I remember Wattso- - - wondered where he went. :?

Very very very pleased to meet you Dan.
Funny, I kept saying to Moth that you seemed really mature for 19. That's a good thing, right?
I hold no grudges or any ill feelings towards you. I like you Inny, and all is well.

Actually your post shows maturity and thought and consideration and honesty and it's never too late for that.

We all can get a bit caught in the internet fun and the inpersonal interaction. I have typed things I've regretted. I typed *** ** ***** * ***! once! lol. True!

Spot you funny girl. lol

I'm a master at forgiving and forgetting. I do it to myself daily.

Luv ya Inny.
:p Em
 
Well done. I think that is one of the most admirable things anyone has ever done on this site.Must have taken a lot of courage.
 
Welcome back Dan.....

i personally do not have a drama with you...i say good on you for what you have just done it was perhaps the amount of posts which pointed your way.. :lol:
i hope it is decided that you can stay.. we all make mistakes
remember the last supposedly perfect person was nailed to a cross just over 2000 years ago....

cheers
 
My God what an epic post.
Thing is for most of the newer members here your right, they only know you as Instar.For a lot of the older members here who have been around a long time, in particular the few that you have mentioned in your post had really strong suspicions back in late march.We were 99% sure that you were one in the same.
Lots of things since then had just confirmed it 100%.
One thing that hasn't changed though is the amount of posts you make,1039 since mid March.For mine at least I reckon you should learn to cool it a bit and not feel the need to post on anything and everything.Particulary the replies on giving advice on herp husbandry, as the impression that you give me at least is that you are picking that info up from reading with no real experience on the particular topics.That in itself isn't bad as long as the info you are repeating is correct,but having said that how would you really know wether it is correct or not?
 
Thankyou Earthmum, Adam, Razza, Ramsayi. Your sentiments and support are appreciated. I cant tell you how much.
Ramsayi, Your right, I still post too much, no doubt, cant help myself there. hope you've noticed the quality of those post has for the most part improved out of sight. I understand it being difficult for older members to draw distinction between instar and wattso, but beleive me, thereis a big distinction to be made. About advice I have given under this Id, it has all been advice that im confident of. There is ofcourse an enormous lot I dont know, im not an encyclopedia, but what I do know has been garnered from my interaction with my best mate and his reptiles over the last 8 years or so and im confident it is not only correct, but safe,
tried and tested and effective. I have not, as instar, nor will I give, information or advice that has not come from first hand experience. Ian knows what he's doing and has been a source of learning and inspiration to me. He encouraged me to get a license and my first herps, even talked the wife around! I really dont read that much, though i recommend weigal, shine, cann, and swan. Please try not to associate me with my past behaviour, I know how bad I was, what I said, what I did etc. I have made big changes and beleifs about me as wattso don't stand true
anymore.
Incidently, you were one of the first to cotton on mate, you made a subtle dig at one point,and I thought "clever "B", must be phsycic" lol but admirably, you kept your peace till now too. Thankyou for that, I was mightily impressed.
please say hi to "P" for me.
best wishes, Inny
 
Good onya Dan. It'd been an ongoing topic for a few people for a while. We'd been dangling bait around for ages waiting for you to bite. After each time you'd go very quiet and we knew you knew we knew. It was just a matter of time before your concience got the better of you and you confess your sins. I bet Alex's "Monty" thread was a dead giveaway hey? :lol:



Greg.
 
Here goes another post! :lol: Thankyou too Greg, Your silence and live and let live philosophy was greatly appreciated too mate. You can be a poo stirrer but you really do have a heart of gold beneath the rough exterior! Im glad your back too, bait n all. :) The monty thread did have me worried yeah. lol.cheers Inny
 
Instar.
If I would see this post soon enough, I would delete it. It is no need for anybody to know. Your new Identity was perfect with out reveling your self. I do not care what people are or was in past or real life, it is not my place to worry about it.
I do care how people behave here and how they fit in.
I am happy with instar boy and if you manage to be one in the future, I don't mind to have you as moderator.
Since you are instar here, you did not upset anybody and you helped defuse few topics starting to get hot.
I had few messages about your Identity and I reply to this people that I don't care because you are doing right thing in community. I deleted some posts in forum to. I was not sure who you are, but I did not care.
You was not sour and sarcastic because your past experiences, and there was no reason to act. Some old members can not forget and bringing back with new Nickname lot of bitterness. Not Instar.
I actually loved your new identity and wish you newer say anything to anybody about who you really are. Africa did new for sure that you are one from the past as you remember from Moderator forum comment and he behaved accordingly.
We did that before with other members, We new who they are and we still did not pay attention to it and ignored that knowledge. David Lutzd had opinion that if people join under different name and do not getting in to the trouble, they will be kept in with out as saying anything.
We know about few people who are here again and we do not acting.
Greg would remember that this is our way.

I would say that there is only one person who will newer be welcome here under any nickname , and that is Cybre Crime. He crossed line to extreme.
But his style of writing and agression will give him away shortly.

Please Instar
Watso was deleted mainly becaose he was playing smart Alec who new everything and posted advice in all ocasions. He argued on all subjects from politics to people behaviors and was making him self above all of us.
I had to act because his posts turn decent members away from APS.
I hope that you understand now that you do not have to express your opinion to everything in the world. Nobody likes smart a....

Watso is not welcome here, Instar is.
 
Thankyou Slatey, more than I can say. you above all others I hurt the most in the past and yet you
forgive and welcome me back with open arms. Im really a bit choked up about that, your a real gentleman, and you must be a truely wonderful father too. After a certain post was deleted I was sure
you knew. The fact that you didnt know and didnt care means all the more to me. be assured wattso is long dead and forever so.
I understand you would have preferred my real identity remain hidden, but the strain of deception
to you and everyone here, all whom i consider freinds, was simply too much to bear any longer.
Even had some not made it obvious, it was coming, sure as sunrise.
If you are happy to let me stay, i will always be instar, I owe you so much. Thankyou so much.
Thankyou Also David and Phil, you too, I owe much, and deepest apologies. Thankyou for your forgiveness and trust. By now most members know who I am, and even if some reactions are as I expect. Those who still don't know will no doubt soon find out, so if you want to delete or archive the thread and let it die off, please go ahead. Final apologies and sincere gratitude to all. Instar.
 
wow thats a big post i couldn't be stuffed reading. :shock:
 
Yeah, that's fine NoOne - but we didn't really need to know that! :?
 
:p Welcome back dan,does this mean we will hear more about monty now lol j/j.Glad you could get this off ya chest dan?feel real & refreshed lol.

cheers popp :p
 
aw come on greg the monty posts weren't that bad.......
now who have we left to come back out of the woodwork... ???
 
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