more funnies

[redbellybite]

A guy walks into a Pharmacy and says to the pharmacist,
"Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once. I need something to keep me horny, keep me potent."
The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label 'Viagra - Extra Strength' and says,
"Here, if you take this, you'll go nuts for twelve hours."
The guy says "Give me three boxes."
The next day he walks into the same pharmacy, limps up to the pharmacist and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist is shocked to see his penis is black and blue, and skin is hanging off in some places.
In a pained voice, the man moans out,
"Give me some Deep Heat!"
The pharmacist replies in horror,
"You can't put Deep Heat on that!"
The man replies,
"No it's for my arms, the girls didn't show up."

 

[redbellybite]

Cocktail lounge, Norway: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
Doctor's office, Rome : Specialist in women and other diseases.
Dry cleaners, Bangkok : Drop your trousers here for the best results.
In a Nairobi restaurant: Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager.
On the main road to Mombassa, leaving Nairobi : Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable.
On a poster at Kencom: Are you an adult who cannot read? If so we can help.
In a city restaurant: Open seven days a week and weekends.
In a cemetery: Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.
Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations: Guests are requested not to smoke or do other disgusting behaviours in bed.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
Hotel, Yugoslavia: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
Hotel, Japan: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian orthodox monastery: you are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and soviet composers, artists and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
A sign posted in Germany 's black forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for this purpose.
Hotel, Zurich : Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand : Would you like to ride on your own A.S.S?
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen : We take your bags and send them in all directions.
A laundry in Rome : Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

 

[blackduck]

According to Homer Simpson


Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose ... it's how drunk you get.


Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.


Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Ham?
Lisa: No!
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal!
Homer: Heh heh heh... ooh... yeah... right, Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.


Homer: But every time I learn something new, it pushes out something old! Remember that time I took a home wine-making course and forgot how to drive?
Marge: That's because you were drunk!


Big Brother representative: Now, Mr. Simpson, may I ask why you're here?
Homer's brain: Don't say revenge. Don't say revenge.
Homer: Ummm... revenge?
Homer's brain: Okay, that's it. I'm outta here. (step step step step step ... slam)
Homer: Okay, brain. You don't like me, and I don't like you, but let's get through this thing and then I can continue killing you with beer.
Homer's Brain: It's a deal!


Homer: Bart, a woman is like a beer. They look good, they smell good, and you'd step over your own mother just to get one! (chugs beer)


Marge: Homer, did you call the audience "Chicken"?
Homer: No! I swear on this bible!
Marge: That's not a bible. That's a book of carpet samples.
Homer: Hmmmm... fuzzy.


Lisa: Dad, we did something very bad!
Homer: Did you wreck the car?
Bart: No.
Homer: Did you raise the dead?
Lisa: Yes.
Homer: But the car's okay?
Bart & Lisa: Uh-huh.
Homer: All right then.


Homer: (On George Bush) I didn't vote for him!
Marge: You didn't vote for anybody.


What's the point of going out? We're just going to wind up back here anyway.


Marge: Homer, your boss called. He said if you don't come in to work tomorrow, then don't bother coming in on Monday.
Homer: Woo-HOO! A four-day weekend!

 

[Goulburn_herper]

I rear-ended a car this morning.
So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started.....

 

[MrsDragonLady]

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car.

She writes:


Dear Grand-daughter,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker .
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting..
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in
thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't
honked, I'd never have noticed.
I found that lots of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy,
and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!' 'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking!
I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.
He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.
My grandson burst out laughing.
Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is
when I noticed the light had changed.
So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection..
I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection
before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,
Love, Grandma x x x x