more funnies

[redbellybite]

In his last hours.......
Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.

Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex, Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.

About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, 'Darling, you know I now have only 18 hours to live.

Could we please do it one more time?'

Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.

He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, 'Darling, please... Just one more time before I die.'

She says, 'Of course dear 'with a sadness in her heart ...

After this session, the wife rolls over and falls to sleep.

Morris, however, worried about his impending, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.

He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Darling , I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could...'

At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Morris , I have to get up in the morning... You don't!'

 

[redbellybite]

-----Original Message-----
Subject: The diagnosis

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Eat too much fiber and this is what happens .......

The Diagnosis.jpg

 

[redbellybite]

One day long ,long ago,there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or bitch......but it was a long time ago and it only happened for one day ....

 

[MrsDragonLady]

THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD

Well, its sh_t, that's right, sh_t!

Sh_t may just be the most functional word in the English language.

You can smoke sh_t, buy sh_t, sell sh_t, lose sh_t, find sh_t, forget sh_t, and tell others to eat sh_t.

Some people know their sh_t, while others can't tell the difference between sh_t and shineola.

There are lucky sh_ts, dumb sh_ts, and crazy sh_ts. There is bull sh_t, horse sh_t, and chicken sh_t.​

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You can throw sh_t, sling sh_t, catch sh_t, shoot the sh_t, or duck when the sh_t hits the fan.

You can give a sh_t or serve sh_t on a shingle.

You can find yourself in deep sh_t or be happier than a pig in sh_t.

Some days are colder than sh_t, some days are hotter than sh_t, and some days are just plain sh_tty.

Some music sounds like sh_t, things can look like sh_t, and there are times when you feel like sh_t.

You can have too much sh_t, not enough sh_t, the right sh_t, the wrong sh_t or a lot of weird sh_t.

You can have a mountain of sh_t, or find yourself up sh_t creek without a paddle.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to sh_t and other times you fall in a bucket of sh_t and come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts, it is the basic building block of the English language.

And remember, once you know your sh_t, you don't need to know anything else!
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[MrsDragonLady]

Computer Tech Support Calls


Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No, wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....

*******************************************************
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Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?

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Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.

*******************************************************

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'.
I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
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*******************************************************

Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.

*******************************************************


Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.
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Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes​

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Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...

*******************************************************


Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
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*******************************************************

Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.

*******************************************************

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Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.

*******************************************************

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer,​

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but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.


*******************************************************

Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?

*******************************************************
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A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point.
The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."

*******************************************************

Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time.​

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That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.
Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager"
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!
​

*******************************************************​

 

[MrsDragonLady]

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them for you.
2. Avoid arguments with females about leaving the toilet lid up by using the sink.
3. High blood pressure sufferers - simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes using a timer, this will reduce the pressure in your veins.
4. A mouse trap set and placed on top of your alarm clock should prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
5. If you have a bad cough, take large doses of laxatives, this should stop you from wanting to cough.
6. You only need two tools in life - WD40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should use WD40. If it moves and it shouldn't use Duct Tape.

 

[MrsDragonLady]

The 5 Toughest Questions a Woman Can Ask a Man

The questions are:

What are you thinking about?
Do you love me?
Do I look fat?
Do you think she is prettier than me?
What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e tells the truth).
Therefore, as a public service, each question is analysed below, along with possible responses.

*********************************************

Question # 1: What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear.
I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."
This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
Baseball.
Football.
How fat you are.
How much prettier she is than you.
How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!"

*********************************************
Question # 2: Do you love me?

The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."
Inappropriate responses include:
I suppose so.
Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
That depends on what you mean by love.
Does it matter?
Who, me?

*********************************************
Question # 3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Among the incorrect answers are:
Compared to what?
I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
A little extra weight looks good on you.
I've seen fatter.
Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

*********************************************
Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Incorrect responses include:
Yes, but you have a better personality.
Not prettier, but definitely thinner.
Not as pretty as you, when you were her age.
Define 'pretty'.
Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.


*********************************************
Question #5: What would you do if I died?

A definite no-win question. (The real answer, or course, is "Buy a Corvette.")

No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:

She....Would you get married again?

He.....Definitely not!

She....Why not - don't you like being married?

He.....Of course I do.

She....Then why wouldn't you remarry?

He.....Okay, I'd get married again.

She....You would? (With a hurtful look on her face)

He.....Yes, I would.

She....Would you sleep with her in our bed?

He.....Where else would we sleep?

She....Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?

He.....That would seem like the proper thing to do.

She....And would you let her use my golf clubs?

He.....She can't use them; she's left-handed.


************************************************************************


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[MrsDragonLady]

HOW TO START YOUR DAY WITH A POSITIVE
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1. ​

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Open a new file in your PC .

2. Name it " Boss "

3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN

4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN

5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete Boss permanently? "

6. Answer calmly, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly....

7. Feel better?


HAVE A NICE DAY​

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[MrsDragonLady]

Will I Live to see 80?

I recently chose a new doctor.
He said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I had just turned 56 years.)

Concerned about his comment, I asked him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'

'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing any drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?

'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lots of sex?'

'No,' I said.

He looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even give a sh_t?'

 

[MrsDragonLady]

JESUS IS WATCHING...

A burglar broke into a house one night.
He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables.
When he picked up a CD player, a voice said, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised
himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began
searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could
disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shon his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed."Warn me huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses."
"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."

 

[MrsDragonLady]

Below are four questions and a bonus question.

You have to answer them instantly.
​

You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK?



Let's find out just how clever you really are.

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First Question:​

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You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?



Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!

Try not to screw up in the next question.
To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you took for the first question.

​

Second Question:


If you overtake the last person, then you are...?




Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?



You're not very good at this! Are you?




Third Question:


Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only.
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.





Take 1000 and add 40 to it.
Now add another 1000.
Now add 30.
Add another 1000.
Now add 20.
Now add another 1000.
Now add 10.

What is the total?








Did you get 5000?



The correct answer is actually 4100.



Don't believe it? Check with your calculator! Today is definitely not your day.

Maybe you will get the last question right?


Fourth Question:

Mary's father has five daughters:

1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono.

What is the name of the fifth daughter?




Answer: Nunu?


NO! Of course not.
Her name is Mary. Read the question again




Okay, now the bonus round:


There is a mute person who wants to buy a toothbrush.
By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.




Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?






He just has to open his mouth and ask, so simple.
​

 

[redbellybite]

The lesbians next door asked me what I would like for my birthday.

I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex.

It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, “I wanna watch.”

 

[ravan]

When girls don't put out!!

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

 

[ilovejordan]

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.




The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.







After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.



She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch.







I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.







Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big.







She'll read it very slowly.... 'com-for-da-bul.'

I can read and im blonde lol i hate blonde jokes but this i funny as

 

[redbellybite]

​

I like his Style!!

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there,’ and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, and then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read:
'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants.'
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.
It read: 'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages;
I have beautiful homes in Aspen , Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana .
There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio.
But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off three inches.
Just send the bottle back!

 

[abbott75]

A blonde woman was speeding
down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman
police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see
the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting
progressively more agitated.

'What does it look like?' she
finally asked.

The policewoman replied, 'It's
square and it has your picture on it.'

The driver finally found a
square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.
'Here it is,' she said.

The blonde officer looked at
the mirror, then handed it back saying, 'OK, you can go I didn't realize
you were a cop.'

:lol:

 

[Naja_nivea]

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

 

[slim6y]

Some of the world's truths

· More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.

· Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

· Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

· I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

· Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may know" feature on facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?

· There is a great need for a sarcasm font.

· I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.

· How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

· I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

· The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

· Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say"

· Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

· How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

· I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a d1ck from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

· Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

· Is it just me or do high school girls get s1uttier & s1uttier every year?

· You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

· There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

· I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

· I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'

· I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

· I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs

· Why is a school zone 40kph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...

· As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

· I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

· Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my *** everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

· I wonder if cops ever get p1ssed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

· I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

 

[pythons73]

Whats a female and a roof have in common.....If you dont nail it the first time.they"ll both end up next door...

 

[slim6y]

Whats a female and a roof have in common.....If you dont nail it the first time.they"ll both end up next door...

What does a female and a carpet have in common?

If you lay them right you can walk over them for years....

Somehow I think this one is gender reversed - I am pretty sure it's meant to be the similarities to a male and a carpet....