more funnies

[redbellybite]

After a visit to a massage parlour, a man discovers a painful lump on his best matey, so he goes to see his GP.
'I'm afraid this is serious,' the doctor says after examining him..
You know how rugby players get cauliflower ear?'
'Yes,' the man replies shakily.
'Well, the doctor continues, you've got a brothel sprout.'

 

[redbellybite]

It has been determined that the most used sexual position for married couples is the "doggie position."

The husband sits up and begs.

The wife rolls over and plays dead.

 

[redbellybite]

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.




The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.







After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.



She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch.







I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.







Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big.







She'll read it very slowly.... 'com-for-da-bul.'

 

[redbellybite]

The Irish Millionaire

Mick, from Dublin20,
appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards
the end of the program had already won £500,000.
'You've done very well so far,'
said, Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter,
'but for a million pounds you've only got one
life-line left -
phone a friend.
Everything is riding on this question......
will you go for it?'
'Sure,'said Mick.
'I'll have a go!'
Which of the following birds does not build its own nest?
a) Sparrow, b) Thrush, c) Magpie, d)Cuckoo?'
'I haven't got a clue,'
said Mick,''
so I'll use me last lifeline and phone me friend Paddy back home in Dublin ..'
Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and
repeated the question to him.
'Fookin hell, Mick!' cried Paddy.
'Dat's simple......it's a cuckoo.'
'Are you sure?'
'I'm fookin sure.'
Mick hung up the phone and told Chris,
'I'll go wit Cuckoo as me answer.'
'Is that your final answer?' asked Chris
'Dat it is, Sir.'
There was a long - long pause, and then the presenter screamed,
'Cuckoo is the correct answer!
Mick, you've won 1 millionpounds!'
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.'
Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?'
'Because he lives in a Fookin clock!'​

 

[j.kcustoms]

Lol...liked the 3rd one, i laughed but the mrs was in stiches must be a blonde thing ...

 

[redbellybite]

Japanese Hotel service


A Canadian salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo Japan ..


Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.




'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, 'but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes..'

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life..

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read,
'Manicures, $20.00'.
'Why not?' thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.'

The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let
out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off.

With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit........ which now had a button sewn neatly on the end..

 

[redbellybite]

THE WIDOW AND THE COWHAND
==========================​

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.​

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.​

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.​

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."​

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand.​

Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him..​

She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.​

"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."​

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.​

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told. "And now take off my thong..... and he dropped it to the floor.​

Then she looked at him and said,
"If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."​

 

[Jazza369]

Loved them all

 

[Miss_Kaos]

Three musicians and a drummer walk into a bar...

 

[redbellybite]

Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally
cut off all 10 of his fingers.

He went to the emergency room in Cork 's hospital.

The doctor looked at Paddy and said,

'Lets be avin' da fingers and I'll see what oi can do'.

Paddy said,​

​

'Oi haven't got da fingers.'

'Whadda ya mean you haven't got da fingers?
Lord Tunderin' Jesus, it's 2009!
We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques.​

​

I could have put dem back on and made you like new!
Why didn't ya bring da fingers?!?'

And Paddy said,
'how da fook was I to be's pickin them up !'

 

[gecko-mad]

i like the fingers one :lol: :lol:

 

[thals]

Nice work RBB! Loved the Irish Millionaire one :lol:

 

[benson]

Here is one especially for you, redbellybite, because I love reading your jokes.
Mickey mouse had finally decided to get a divorce from Minnie.
He went along to his solicitor, and told him why he NEEDED a divorce.
Well, the solicotor, told Mickey to just go home and relax, and come back to him tomorrow, and he would have all the paperwork ready for him to sign.
Early the next day, Mickey heads back to his solicitor, and reads over the paper work.
Mickey then starts to YELL at his solicitor, saying-
"I didn't say Minnie was stupid, I said she was fu--ing Goofey!!!"

 

[thals]

Here is one especially for you, redbellybite, because I love reading your jokes.
Mickey mouse had finally decided to get a divorce from Minnie.
He went along to his solicitor, and told him why he NEEDED a divorce.
Well, the solicotor, told Mickey to just go home and relax, and come back to him tomorrow, and he would have all the paperwork ready for him to sign.
Early the next day, Mickey heads back to his solicitor, and reads over the paper work.
Mickey then starts to YELL at his solicitor, saying-
"I didn't say Minnie was stupid, I said she was fu--ing Goofey!!!"

lmao!

 

[redbellybite]

HA HA love it BENSON

 

[benson]

Thanks, its my favourite!!!
And keep them coming, you do a GREAT job!!!

 

[redbellybite]

sometimes I have to re-word the jokes if ya get my drift

 

[benson]

I sure do!!



:lol::lol::lol::lol:

 

[ozzieimages]

An attendant at a car wash chatted to an emerging customer. I bet your Irish!!
Now how on earth did you know that, said the customer.
Well too tell the truth we don't get to many people through here on motorbikes.


An Irish man on ANZAC day..Was it you or your brother who got killed in the war???


A brunette is drying herself after a shower when, in her full length bathroom mirror she notices a single grey pubic hair..
Good heavens she says. I know that you haven't been getting much lately, but I didn't know you worrying about it...

Baz :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

 

[redbellybite]

HA HA keep them coming