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A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth,
"Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks,
"Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees,
leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,
"I don't think my python weally gives a thit."
"Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks,
"Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees,
leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,
"I don't think my python weally gives a thit."
redbellybite
Almost Legendary
BAHHHH HA HA HA love it Casey 
jacorin
Well-Known Member
So Paddy asks Murphy: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?" To which Murphy replies,"You Thick idiot - If they fell forwards they'd still be in The freaking boat
jacorin
Well-Known Member
Mick and Paddy were walking home from the pub.
Mick says to Paddy, I can't be bothered to walk all dat way.'
'I know,' says Paddy, 'but we've no money for a cab and we've missed
the last Bus home.'
'We could steal a bus from the depot,' Mick suggests.
They arrive at the bus depot and Mick tells Paddy to go in and get a
bus while he keeps a look-out.
After shuffling around for ages, Mick shouts, 'Paddy, what are you
doing? Have you not found one yet?'
Paddy shouts back, 'I can't find a No. 91'
'Oh Jeysus Christ, ye thick sod - take a No. 14 and we'll walk
from the Roundabout.
Mick says to Paddy, I can't be bothered to walk all dat way.'
'I know,' says Paddy, 'but we've no money for a cab and we've missed
the last Bus home.'
'We could steal a bus from the depot,' Mick suggests.
They arrive at the bus depot and Mick tells Paddy to go in and get a
bus while he keeps a look-out.
After shuffling around for ages, Mick shouts, 'Paddy, what are you
doing? Have you not found one yet?'
Paddy shouts back, 'I can't find a No. 91'
'Oh Jeysus Christ, ye thick sod - take a No. 14 and we'll walk
from the Roundabout.
jacorin
Well-Known Member
A Drive in the country
Julia Gillard was touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car.
Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, they hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.
Julia in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur:
'You get out and check - you were driving.'
The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead but it was old.
'You were driving; go and tell the farmer,' says Julia
Two hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face.
'My God, what happened to you?' asksJulia
The chauffeur replies: 'When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me.'
'What on earth did you say?' asks Julia
'I knocked on the door and when it was answered,
I said to them: ' I'm Julia Gillard's chauffeur and I've just killed the old cow.'
Julia Gillard was touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car.
Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, they hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.
Julia in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur:
'You get out and check - you were driving.'
The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead but it was old.
'You were driving; go and tell the farmer,' says Julia
Two hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face.
'My God, what happened to you?' asksJulia
The chauffeur replies: 'When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me.'
'What on earth did you say?' asks Julia
'I knocked on the door and when it was answered,
I said to them: ' I'm Julia Gillard's chauffeur and I've just killed the old cow.'
redbellybite
Almost Legendary
A guy out on the golf course,
& takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.
Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground.
As soon as he could manage,
he took himself to the doctor.
He said 'How bad is it doc?,
I'm going on my honeymoon next week,
& my fiance is still a virgin - in every way'
The doctor told him, 'I'll have to put your willie,
in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight..
It should be okay next week.'
He took four tongue depressors,
& formed a neat little 4 sided splint,
taped it all together; an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl,
marries her, and goes on their honeymoon.
That night in the motel room,
she rips open her blouse,
to reveal her beautiful breasts.
She said, 'You're the first;
no one has EVER touched these.'
He immediately drops his pants and replies,
.....'Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!'
redbellybite
Almost Legendary
Healthy Level Of Insanity:
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice!
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that..
4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana.
6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
7 Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.
9. Sing Along At The Opera.
10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.
11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'
12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'
And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice!
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that..
4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana.
6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
7 Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.
9. Sing Along At The Opera.
10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.
11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'
12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'
And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.
MrsDragonLady
Well-Known Member
An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday
evening with a beautiful young girl at his side.
He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."
At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought
another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweller said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated,
"by cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque is good,
so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and
I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, the jeweller phoned the old man.
"There's no money in that account."
"I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend!"
evening with a beautiful young girl at his side.
He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."
At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought
another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweller said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated,
"by cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque is good,
so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and
I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, the jeweller phoned the old man.
"There's no money in that account."
"I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend!"
MrsDragonLady
Well-Known Member
MY EX-WIFE THE PILOT
My ex-wife started taking flying lessons about the time our divorce started.
She got her license shortly before our divorce was final, later that same year.
Yesterday I got a phone call, that she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting.
Seems she was forced to make an emergency landing because of bad weather.
Thank God the kids weren't with her.
The FAA issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error:
She was flying a single engine aircraft in IFR (instrument flight rating) conditions
while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating).
The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board.
No one on the ground was injured.
The photograph below was taken at the scene to show the extent of damage to her aircraft.
She was really lucky.
My ex-wife started taking flying lessons about the time our divorce started.
She got her license shortly before our divorce was final, later that same year.
Yesterday I got a phone call, that she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting.
Seems she was forced to make an emergency landing because of bad weather.
Thank God the kids weren't with her.
The FAA issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error:
She was flying a single engine aircraft in IFR (instrument flight rating) conditions
while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating).
The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board.
No one on the ground was injured.
The photograph below was taken at the scene to show the extent of damage to her aircraft.
She was really lucky.
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Attachments
redbellybite
Almost Legendary
BAHHHHHHHHH HA HA HA classic DRAGON LADY.....thinks we all have aircrafts like that
MrsDragonLady
Well-Known Member
A refuse collector is going along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his refuse collection vehicle.
He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, so he has a quick look for it, goes round the back of the house, but still can't see it.
So, against the rules of the Refuse Collector's Code, but in the spirit of kindness, he knocks on the door.
There's no answer. Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder.
Eventually a Japanese bloke comes to the door.
'Harro!' says the Japanese chappie.
'Hi, mate! Where's ya bin?' asks the collector.
'I bin on toiret,' explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed.
Realising the little foreign fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again.
'No mate, where's your dust bin?'
'I dust been to toiret, I toll you!'' says the Japanese man - still perplexed.
'Listen,' says the collector. 'You're misunderstanding me. Where's your 'w h e e - l e e' bin?'
'Ok. Ok,' replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin.
'I wheelie bin havin sex wirra wife's sister..........!'
He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, so he has a quick look for it, goes round the back of the house, but still can't see it.
So, against the rules of the Refuse Collector's Code, but in the spirit of kindness, he knocks on the door.
There's no answer. Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder.
Eventually a Japanese bloke comes to the door.
'Harro!' says the Japanese chappie.
'Hi, mate! Where's ya bin?' asks the collector.
'I bin on toiret,' explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed.
Realising the little foreign fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again.
'No mate, where's your dust bin?'
'I dust been to toiret, I toll you!'' says the Japanese man - still perplexed.
'Listen,' says the collector. 'You're misunderstanding me. Where's your 'w h e e - l e e' bin?'
'Ok. Ok,' replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin.
'I wheelie bin havin sex wirra wife's sister..........!'
MrsDragonLady
Well-Known Member
If you think life is bad.....
How would you like to be an egg?
You only get laid once.
You only get eaten once.
It takes four minutes to get hard.
Only two minutes to get soft.
You share your box with 6 other guys
But worst of all..
the only chick that ever sat on your face
was your mother!!!
So cheer up,
Your life ain't that bad!!!!
MrsDragonLady
Well-Known Member
easier to remove
Last edited:
Snake Catcher Victoria
Almost Legendary
Dear Lions Bay School ,
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon.
I am 84 years old and live at the West Vancouver Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone and I want to thank you for the kindness shown to a forgotten old lady.
My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.
The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.
She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to eff off.
Thank you for that opportunity.
Sincerely,
Edna
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon.
I am 84 years old and live at the West Vancouver Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone and I want to thank you for the kindness shown to a forgotten old lady.
My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.
The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.
She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to eff off.
Thank you for that opportunity.
Sincerely,
Edna
redbellybite
Almost Legendary
BAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHAAAAAAA love it when oldies use the swear word
MrsDragonLady
Well-Known Member
okay check this one out:
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud
pounding on the door.......
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,
standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "It is three o'clock in the morning."
He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife.
Just some drunken guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help
him?" she asked. "No, I did not. It is three o'clock in the morning
and it is pouring rain outside!"
His wife said, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we
broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him,
and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told (of course), gets dressed and goes out into
the pouring rain and calls out into the dark, "Hello? Are you still there?"
"Yes" comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the darkness.
Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!!" replies the drunk.
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud
pounding on the door.......
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,
standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "It is three o'clock in the morning."
He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife.
Just some drunken guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help
him?" she asked. "No, I did not. It is three o'clock in the morning
and it is pouring rain outside!"
His wife said, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we
broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him,
and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told (of course), gets dressed and goes out into
the pouring rain and calls out into the dark, "Hello? Are you still there?"
"Yes" comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the darkness.
Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!!" replies the drunk.
MrsDragonLady
Well-Known Member
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive woman waving at him and says hello.
He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids".
Now his mind races, he racks his brain and travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful
to his wife and says, "O no!!!!! Are you one of the strippers from Fred's stag night that I made love to
on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped me with wet celery???"
"No, I'm your son's Grade 3 teacher"
He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids".
Now his mind races, he racks his brain and travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful
to his wife and says, "O no!!!!! Are you one of the strippers from Fred's stag night that I made love to
on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped me with wet celery???"
"No, I'm your son's Grade 3 teacher"
jacorin
Well-Known Member
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks.
His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. "Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.
"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.
The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."
"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents." The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!" The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. "Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.
"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.
The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."
"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents." The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!" The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
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