Joke thread

[cement]

A Bronze whaler goes into a human shop and checks out the price of man and chips.
He sees that an Aussie burger with chips is 10 bucks and thinks thats reasonable.
He sees that an American and salad is 15 bucks and thinks thats a bit steep.
He then sees that a pom and fries is 25 bucks and thinks that is ridiculous.
So he asks the octupus behind the counter why the Poms are so expensive, there plentiful and easy to catch, what gives?
The octopus replies " mate, have you ever tried cleaning one?"

 

[DragonKeeper]

An Australian, a Canadian and a Mexican are going on a mystery plane ride.

The Australian sticks his had out of the window and says "I know where we are, we are in Australia"

"How?" The other two asked.

"My hand is hot" said the Australian.

The Canadian sticks his had out of the window and says "I know where we are, we are in Canada"

"How?" The other two asked.

"My hand is cold" said the Canadian.

The Mexican sticks his had out of the window and says "I know where we are, we are in Mexico"

"How?" The other two asked.

"My watch is gone" said the Mexican.

------------------------------------------------------------------

A Mexican rode his bike into America when a security guard asked him to empty his backpack, he did but it was empty.

The Guard was sure the Mexican was smuggling something.

The next day he came on his bike again, his backpack was empty again, he did a strip search but found nothing.

This happened for 2 more weeks when the guard finally asked him what he was smuggling, the Mexican answered:

"Bicycles"

 

[DragonKeeper]

Only read if you are not easily offended

A lady is in hospital who has just given birth when the nurse comes up and says, i have some good news and some bad news. Whats the bad news replies the mother. The nurse says unfortuantly your baby was born with red hair. And whats the good news she asks.
Your babys dead.

PUREGOLD!

 

[jenjen]

Why you should never take your husband shopping with you.Letter: Mrs. Fenton, Our store is considering banning you family unless your husband stops hisantics. Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras. MEMO Re: Mr Bill Fenton - Complaints - 15 Things Mr. Bill Fenton has donewhile his spouse/partner is shopping: 1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's cartswhen they weren't looking. 2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minuteintervals. 3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms. 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code3' in house wares..... and watched what happened. 5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's onlay-buy. 6. September 14: Moved a 'Caution - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. 7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told othershoppers he'd invite the in if they'll bring pillows from the beddingdepartment. 8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cryand asks Why can't you people just leave me alone? 9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it a mirror, andpicked his nose. 10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked theclerk if he knows where the antidepressants are. 11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the"Mission Impossible" theme. 12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna Look" usingdifferent size funnels. 13. December 18: Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through,yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!" 14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumesthe foetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!!!" (And; last, but not least!) 15. December 23: Went in the fitting room, shut the door and waited a while;then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!

 

[jenjen]

The Gym...one woman's story.... WEEK AT THE GYM: ONE WOMANS STORY If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong withyou. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regularworkout routine. Dear Diary. For my 50th birthday this year, my husband (the dear) purchased a week ofpersonal training at the local health club for me. AlthoughI am still ingreat shape since playing on my college tennis team 30 years ago, I decidedit would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer namedJoe, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and modelfor athletic clothing and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased with myenthusiasm to get started!The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chartmy progress. MONDAY Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it waswell worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Joe waiting for me.He is something of a Greek god - with blonde hair,dancing eyes and adazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Joe gave me a tour and showed me themachines. He took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. He wasalarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next tohim in his Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way inwhich he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Veryinspiring! Joey was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, all though my gut wasalready aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This isgoing to be a FANTASTIC week-!! TUESDAY I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.Joemade me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air -- then heput weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but Imade the full mile. Joey's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feelGREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me. WEDNESDAY The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on thecounter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have ahernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steeror stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.Joe was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other clubmembers. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and whenhe scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurtwhen I got on the treadmill, so Joe put me on the stair monster. Why thehell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity renderedobsolete by elevators? Joe told me it would help me get in shape and enjoylife. He said some other **** too. THURSDAY Joe was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin,cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a halfan hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes.Joe took me to work outwith dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the ladies room.He sent Muffy to find me. Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowingmachine -- which I sank. FRIDAY I hate that dick, Joe, more than any human being has ever hated any otherhuman being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,anaemic littlecheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearablepain, I would beat him with it. Joe wanted me to work on my triceps. Idon't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don'thand me the f---ing barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choirdirector? SATURDAY Joe left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voicewondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want tosmash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to evenuse the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of theWeather Channel. SUNDAY I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go andthank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year myhusband will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or ahysterectomy.

 

[DragonKeeper]

Adult jokes aren't allowed right?

Because I have this awesome lymeric book...

 

[IsK67]

A truck load of Eastern long necks collided with a van load of Krefts.

It was a turtle disaster.

 

[ace#74]

dunno if these have been said yet cuz i havent read the whole thread

Two blondes lock thier keys in the car. One of the blondes tries to break into the car while the the other one watches.

Finally the first blonde says "Darn, I can't get in the car!" The other blond replies, "keep trying, it looks like it is going to rain and the top is down".

 

[ace#74]

Once upon a time there was a blonde with long hair, blue eyes, she was sick of all the blonde jokes.

One day, she decided to get a make over, so she cut and dyed her hair.

She also went out and bought a new convertible.

She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep.

She stopped and called the sheepherder over.

"That's a nice flock of sheep.", she said.

"Well thank you.", said the herder. "Tell you what. I have a proposition for you.", said the woman.

"Okay.", replied the herder.

"If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?", asked the woman. "Sure.", said the sheepherder.

So, the girl sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied, "382".

"Wow.", said the herder. "That is exactly right.

Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home."

So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car.

Upon watching this, the herder approached the woman and offered, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you".

"What is it?", queried the woman.

"If I can guess the real color of your hair... can I have my dog back?"

 

[ace#74]

A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...."
"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."

 

[ace#74]

Blonde in Shower All Day Q: How do you get a blonde to stay in the shower all day?
A: Lend her your bottle of Shampoo that says "lather, rinse, repeat"

 

[ace#74]

thats it for me

sorrry to all the blonds out there lol

 

[IsK67]

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue"?

I said "No, just a watch."

 

[IsK67]

A pair of birds were sitting on a branch of a tree when they see a turtle run past them, jump off the branch and flap his arms as hard as he can.

He falls to the ground. The poor turtle repeats this process numerous times, and then one bird says to the other "dear, do you think we should tell him he's adopted?"

 

[IsK67]

[SIZE=-1]A bus, filled with politicians [/SIZE][SIZE=-1]on the campaign trail, [/SIZE][SIZE=-1]was driving through the countryside one day.

The bus driver, caught up in the beautiful scenery, loses control and crashes into the ditch. A farmer living nearby hears the horrible crash and rushes out to discover the wreckage. Finding the politicians, he buries them.

The next day, the police come to the farm to question the man. "So you buried all the politicians?" asked the police officer.

"Yes" answered the farmer.

"Were they all dead?" asked the policeman.

The farmer answered, "Some said they weren't, but you know how politicians lie."[/SIZE]

 

[Spilota]

:?
Why snakes don't play twister.

 

[MoreliaMatt]

what did the constipated mathematician do?

worked it out with a pencil

 

[thals]

:lol: funny jokes ppls! STill like the one with the blonde n the cornflakes, classic

 

[PigFeet]

a man goes to the dentist and the dentist says "take a seat, what can i do for you?"
The man says " nothing, i think im a moth!"
The dentist says "what are you doing hear then?"
He replys "i saw the light on!!!"

 

[GSXR_Boy]

A man goes to the doctor with a steering wheel down his pants.
The doc say "Do you want me to help you with that?"
"The man says yes,it's driving me nuts!"