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pythonlover
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hahahah trousa thats just wrong!
Scleropages
Very Well-Known Member
DiamondAsh
Very Well-Known Member
Mattel recently announced the release of limited-edition Barbie Dolls for
the Melbourne market:
"South Yarra Barbie"
This princess Barbie is sold only in Toorak Road. She comes with an
assortment of Prada Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named
Honey and a designer kitchen. Available with or without tummy tuck and
face-lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented
version.
"Balwyn Barbie"
The modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Wind star Minivan and
matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation.
Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.
"Footscray Barbie "
This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife,a
Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only
available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small,
untraceable bills) ...unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are
talking about.
"Armadale Barbie"
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2..
Included are her own cappucino cup, credit card and country club membership.
Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You
won't be able to afford any of them.
"Altona Barbie"
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small,
a NASCAR t-shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack
of Carlton Midstrengh and a Jimmy Barnes CD set. She can spit over 5 feet
and kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup
truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.
" South Melbourne Barbie"
This collagen injected, rhino plastic Barbie wears a leopard print outfit
and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends. Percocet prescription
available as well as warehouse conversion condo.
" Frankston Barbie"
This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled
sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of
Butler Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans,
fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top. Also available with a mobile
home.
" Brunswick Barbie"
This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair,
arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks.
She prefers that you call her Willow. She does not want or need a Ken doll,
but if you purchase two Point Breeze Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon,
you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.
" Broadmeadows Barbie"
This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories
include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available,
but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.
"Portsea Barbie"
She's perfect in every way. We don't know where Ken is because he's always
out playing golf or fishing.
"St Kilda Barbie/Ken"
This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply
adding or subtracting the multiple snap-on body parts.
Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City. The brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus and the blonde team rides on the top level.
The brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs, so she decides to go up and investigate.
When the brunette reaches the top, she finds all the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road and clutching the seats in front of them. They all have white knuckles.
The brunette asks, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!"
One of the blondes looks up and says to her, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"
The brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs, so she decides to go up and investigate.
When the brunette reaches the top, she finds all the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road and clutching the seats in front of them. They all have white knuckles.
The brunette asks, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!"
One of the blondes looks up and says to her, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"
Learn To Speak Chinese
Are you harboring a fugitive- Hu Yu Hai Ding
See me A.S.A.P. - Kum Hia Nao
Small Horse - Tai Ni Po Ni
Your price is too high - No Bai Dam Thing
Did you go to the beach - Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped into a coffee table - Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a facelift - Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here - Wai So Dim?
Has your flight been delayed? - Hao Long Wei Ting?
I thought you were on a diet - Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone. - No Pah King
You are not very bright - Yu So Dum
I got this for free - Ai No Pei
They have arrived - Hia Dei Kum
Stay out of sight - Lei Lo
He's cleaning his automobile - Wa Shing Ka
Does this bathroom stink! - Hu Flung Dung?
Are you harboring a fugitive- Hu Yu Hai Ding
See me A.S.A.P. - Kum Hia Nao
Small Horse - Tai Ni Po Ni
Your price is too high - No Bai Dam Thing
Did you go to the beach - Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped into a coffee table - Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a facelift - Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here - Wai So Dim?
Has your flight been delayed? - Hao Long Wei Ting?
I thought you were on a diet - Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone. - No Pah King
You are not very bright - Yu So Dum
I got this for free - Ai No Pei
They have arrived - Hia Dei Kum
Stay out of sight - Lei Lo
He's cleaning his automobile - Wa Shing Ka
Does this bathroom stink! - Hu Flung Dung?
Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department.
One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he said to the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"
The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick."
One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he said to the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"
The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick."
Two little kids are in a hospital
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots
of Jelly and ice cream. It's a breeze."
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
"Whoa!" the second kid replies. "Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I
was born. Couldn't walk for a year."
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots
of Jelly and ice cream. It's a breeze."
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
"Whoa!" the second kid replies. "Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I
was born. Couldn't walk for a year."
Vixen
Very Well-Known Member
An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse
full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money. After many lengthy discussions, an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000". The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets. The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?" The elderly woman replied,
"Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square." The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?" "Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square." "Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness."
"No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently. That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining
his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself
that there was no way he could lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square. The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.
The president was happy to oblige. The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. "Given the amount of money involved , you should be 100% sure." The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"
full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money. After many lengthy discussions, an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000". The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets. The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?" The elderly woman replied,
"Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square." The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?" "Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square." "Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness."
"No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently. That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining
his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself
that there was no way he could lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square. The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.
The president was happy to oblige. The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. "Given the amount of money involved , you should be 100% sure." The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"
Vixen
Very Well-Known Member
Three soldiers had just been released from the Army. To celebrate, they decided to take a helicopter ride around the town.
The first soldier was eating a banana. "Hmmm...I wonder....if we throw this peel out the helicopter, will we see it land?" The other 2 soldiers shrugged and said go ahead and throw it out. They watched with anticipation, but they didn't see it land.
The second soldier had a rock. He threw it out the helicopter and said, "This is bigger than the peel. We oughta be able to see this land." The soldiers all watched again, but nothing happened.
The third soldier pulled out a grenade, pulled the pin, and threw it. "Now we'll see THIS land." The soldiers watched again...nothing happened.
After the ride the soldiers were walking home. They saw a little girl crying on the sidewalk. "What's wrong?" the soldiers asked.
"Well," said the girl, "I was just walking along and slipped on a banana peel that came our from no where."
The soldiers explained what had happened on the helicopter and carried the little girl home. As they were walking along once more they saw a little boy crying on the side of the road.
"What's the matter, Son?"
"Well," said the little boy, "I was just walking along when a rock hit me on the head."
The soldiers again told their story and helped the little boy home.
"I wonder what happened with the grenade," said one soldier.
"Me too," said another, so the soldiers went running down the road where they saw an old woman laughing hysterically.
"Ma'am...what's so funny?"
The old woman between giggles said, "Well, I farted and my house blew up."
The first soldier was eating a banana. "Hmmm...I wonder....if we throw this peel out the helicopter, will we see it land?" The other 2 soldiers shrugged and said go ahead and throw it out. They watched with anticipation, but they didn't see it land.
The second soldier had a rock. He threw it out the helicopter and said, "This is bigger than the peel. We oughta be able to see this land." The soldiers all watched again, but nothing happened.
The third soldier pulled out a grenade, pulled the pin, and threw it. "Now we'll see THIS land." The soldiers watched again...nothing happened.
After the ride the soldiers were walking home. They saw a little girl crying on the sidewalk. "What's wrong?" the soldiers asked.
"Well," said the girl, "I was just walking along and slipped on a banana peel that came our from no where."
The soldiers explained what had happened on the helicopter and carried the little girl home. As they were walking along once more they saw a little boy crying on the side of the road.
"What's the matter, Son?"
"Well," said the little boy, "I was just walking along when a rock hit me on the head."
The soldiers again told their story and helped the little boy home.
"I wonder what happened with the grenade," said one soldier.
"Me too," said another, so the soldiers went running down the road where they saw an old woman laughing hysterically.
"Ma'am...what's so funny?"
The old woman between giggles said, "Well, I farted and my house blew up."
ashman07
Well-Known Member
Only read if you are not easily offended
A lady is in hospital who has just given birth when the nurse comes up and says, i have some good news and some bad news. Whats the bad news replies the mother. The nurse says unfortuantly your baby was born with red hair. And whats the good news she asks.
Your babys dead.
A lady is in hospital who has just given birth when the nurse comes up and says, i have some good news and some bad news. Whats the bad news replies the mother. The nurse says unfortuantly your baby was born with red hair. And whats the good news she asks.
Your babys dead.
A six year old goes to the hospital with his grandma to visit his grandpa.
When they get to the hospital, he runs ahead of his grandma and bursts into his grandpa's room.
"Grandpa, Grandpa," he says excitedly, "as soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"
What?" said his grandpa.
"Make a noise like a frog because grandma said that as soon as you croak, we're going to Disneyland!!!"
When they get to the hospital, he runs ahead of his grandma and bursts into his grandpa's room.
"Grandpa, Grandpa," he says excitedly, "as soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"
What?" said his grandpa.
"Make a noise like a frog because grandma said that as soon as you croak, we're going to Disneyland!!!"
[SIZE=-1]A man and his wife entered a dentist's office.
The wife said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm late for an appointment with my hairdresser. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."
"You're a brave woman," said the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is."
The wife turns to her husband: "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."[/SIZE]
The wife said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm late for an appointment with my hairdresser. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."
"You're a brave woman," said the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is."
The wife turns to her husband: "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."[/SIZE]
Definition OF BRAVERY
[SIZE=-1]Bravery is arriving home late after a boys night out, being confronted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask ... "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1]Bravery is arriving home late after a boys night out, being confronted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask ... "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"[/SIZE]
Duke_jensen
Well-Known Member
Heres one, I'm surprised it hasn't been done, cause it's been around for a while and sort of relates to this site.
you have to read this with a stoner acsent
There's this goanna walking through the bush when he looks up and see's this koala up the tree, he calls out hey koala what you doing up that tree, the koala replies hey duuude just smokin this really goooooooood joint, climb up here and join me. The goanna climbs up the tree and starts smoking the joint with the koala after a while the goanna says dude I'm traaaassssshhhhed this is some gooooood weeeeed, I'm going down to the stream to get a drink.
The goanna gets down to the stream leans in for a drink and is that smashed he falls in the stream, a near by croc see's him fall in swims over and save's him and puts him back on the shore. The goanna says to the croc thanks duuuuude you saved me, I was smoking this really gooooooooood weeeeeeeeeed with this koala up a tree over there and I got that smashed I fell in.
The croc goes over to get him self some of this gooood weeeed, he looks up at the koala and says hey koala give me some weed.
The koala looks down rubbs his eyes and says duuuuuuuuude how much water did you drink?
you have to read this with a stoner acsent
There's this goanna walking through the bush when he looks up and see's this koala up the tree, he calls out hey koala what you doing up that tree, the koala replies hey duuude just smokin this really goooooooood joint, climb up here and join me. The goanna climbs up the tree and starts smoking the joint with the koala after a while the goanna says dude I'm traaaassssshhhhed this is some gooooood weeeeed, I'm going down to the stream to get a drink.
The goanna gets down to the stream leans in for a drink and is that smashed he falls in the stream, a near by croc see's him fall in swims over and save's him and puts him back on the shore. The goanna says to the croc thanks duuuuude you saved me, I was smoking this really gooooooooood weeeeeeeeeed with this koala up a tree over there and I got that smashed I fell in.
The croc goes over to get him self some of this gooood weeeed, he looks up at the koala and says hey koala give me some weed.
The koala looks down rubbs his eyes and says duuuuuuuuude how much water did you drink?
[SIZE=-1]When in New York, Kevin Rudd would always visit his favourite strip joint. (He said it helped him forget things.)
But, every time he walked in, one of the girls would call out "Two hundred bucks, and I'm yours!"
"Five bucks!" Rudd would fire back, just to shut her up.
Over the years this exchange between him and the same girl became a bit of a ritual. She'd yell "Two hundred bucks!" and he'd fire back "Five bucks!"
Then, on one recent visit to New York, Julia Gillard accompanied Rudd to his favourite strip joint. As they approached the place, Rudd braced himself for "the usual offer". Julia would obviously wonder what it was all about. He figured he'd better have a darn good explanation for her.
As he and Julia walked in, Rudd tried very hard to avoid the dancer's eyes.
But as they entered, the girl yelled out.
Only this time she yelled:
"See! That's what you get for five bucks!"
[/SIZE]
But, every time he walked in, one of the girls would call out "Two hundred bucks, and I'm yours!"
"Five bucks!" Rudd would fire back, just to shut her up.
Over the years this exchange between him and the same girl became a bit of a ritual. She'd yell "Two hundred bucks!" and he'd fire back "Five bucks!"
Then, on one recent visit to New York, Julia Gillard accompanied Rudd to his favourite strip joint. As they approached the place, Rudd braced himself for "the usual offer". Julia would obviously wonder what it was all about. He figured he'd better have a darn good explanation for her.
As he and Julia walked in, Rudd tried very hard to avoid the dancer's eyes.
But as they entered, the girl yelled out.
Only this time she yelled:
"See! That's what you get for five bucks!"
[/SIZE]
Riley
Very Well-Known Member
Riley
Very Well-Known Member
Three blokes - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and an Aussie engineer are all working
together one day and they come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
"I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total" says the Genie.
The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be
forever fertile in Canada." POOOOFF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.
Osama bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans, British or Australians can come into our
precious state."
POOOFF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.
The Aussie Engineer says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable."
The Aussie engineer sits down, cracks a beer, smiles and says, "Fill it with
water".........
together one day and they come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
"I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total" says the Genie.
The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be
forever fertile in Canada." POOOOFF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.
Osama bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans, British or Australians can come into our
precious state."
POOOFF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.
The Aussie Engineer says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable."
The Aussie engineer sits down, cracks a beer, smiles and says, "Fill it with
water".........
Last edited:
bredli84
Very Well-Known Member
an old woman walks into a doctors office for a check up.
at the end of the appointment, the doctor asks if there is anything else?
the old lady replies, "yes doctor, i have been passing wind a lot lately, but it is silent and dosn't smell. in fact i have done so five times since i have been in your office and u didn't even react!"
"Really?" says the doctor rummaging through his medicine cabinet, "i want u to take these pills twice a day for the next week, then come back to see me on friday."
so the old lady takes the pill bottle and heads off home.
a week passes and the lady is back in the doctors office again. "Doctor, i dont know what u put in those pills, but now when i pass wind it REALLY stinks! but it is still silent"
"GOOD!" says the doctor, "We have fixed your sinuses, now lets see what we can do about your hearing!".
at the end of the appointment, the doctor asks if there is anything else?
the old lady replies, "yes doctor, i have been passing wind a lot lately, but it is silent and dosn't smell. in fact i have done so five times since i have been in your office and u didn't even react!"
"Really?" says the doctor rummaging through his medicine cabinet, "i want u to take these pills twice a day for the next week, then come back to see me on friday."
so the old lady takes the pill bottle and heads off home.
a week passes and the lady is back in the doctors office again. "Doctor, i dont know what u put in those pills, but now when i pass wind it REALLY stinks! but it is still silent"
"GOOD!" says the doctor, "We have fixed your sinuses, now lets see what we can do about your hearing!".
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