Joke thread

[IsK67]

A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer.

The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here."

The string walks away a little upset and sits down with his friends.

A few minutes later he goes back to the bar and orders a beer.

The bartender, looking a little exasperated, says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve strings here."

So the string goes back to his table. Then he gets an idea. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. Then he walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.

The bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?"


And the string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

 

[Jungletrans]

A drunk was riding home on his bicycle when he ran into a parked Mercedes . As a crowd gathered he took out a pen and paper and left a note on the windscreen . It read ; l have just run into your car , the people watching think l am leaving my name and address . the fools .

 

[Jungletrans]

Power toilet bowl cleaning ; Pour half cup of pet shampoo into toilet , casualy stroking cat make your way into toilet and drop cat into bowl . Important ; shut lid and sit on to avoid malfunction , prewash should take 2mins , when silent it is time for power wash , half flush should do but for bad stains or big moggy use full . When ready for rinse cycle use full flush . Now for air drying , make sure there is a clear path to outside for the cat , stand back and open lid . Not recomended for chemical or pan toilets .

 

[angua21]

A man in a bar declares that he has a pet octopus who can play ANY instrument given to him, and that he will give $1000 to anyone who can stump him.
He sits the octopus on the bar ans asks for challengers. Noone else seems keen, so a guy with a guitar steps up. the octopus takes the guitar, turns it over a few times, then plays the most incredible solo anyone in the bar has ever heard.
this encourages a few more people to find an instrument to show to the octopus. over the next hour, he plays violins, flutes, harmonicas, and even the pub piano.
At this point, the quiet Scotsman in the corner stands up, walks over, and shows a set of bagpipes to the octopus. The octopus turns the bagpipes over one way, then another, looking quite obviously confused. "HAH!" says the scotsman, "He can't play it!! wheres my $1000?!"
the octopus stops, looks up, and glares at the scotsman.
"Play it be buggered, as soon as I work out how to get its Pyjamas off, I am going to make love to it!!"

 

[IsK67]

Power toilet bowl cleaning ; Pour half cup of pet shampoo into toilet , casualy stroking cat make your way into toilet and drop cat into bowl . Important ; shut lid and sit on to avoid malfunction , prewash should take 2mins , when silent it is time for power wash , half flush should do but for bad stains or big moggy use full . When ready for rinse cycle use full flush . Now for air drying , make sure there is a clear path to outside for the cat , stand back and open lid . Not recomended for chemical or pan toilets .

I just fell off my chair after spurt coffee all over my monitor.

Thank you very much.


IsK

 

[IsK67]

A young man called Ron, wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long, and she lived a considerable distance away. He consulted with his sister, and decided after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic, and not too personal.

Off he went with his sister to Harrods Ladies Department, and they selected a pair of dainty, fur-lined quality leather gloves.

His sister bought a pair of knickers for herself at the same time.

Harrods had a free gift-wrap offer, but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves, and Ron got the knickers.

Good old Ron sent off his gift-wrapped present in a parcel, with the following letter:

Dear Sasha,

I chose these, because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it hadn't been for my sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones, and says that they are much easier to remove.

These are a very delicate shade, and I chose them because the lady I bought them from, showed me a similar pair, which she had been wearing for the past three weeks, and they were hardly soiled at all. I had her try yours on for me, and she looked really smart in them, even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring, which helps keep it clean. In fact, she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.

I wish I could be there to put them on for you, the very first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow into them a little bit because they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

Just imagine, how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.

I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

All my love,

Ron.

P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.

 

[MoreliaMatt]

hehehe good one isk!

 

[mines bigger]

that is the best joke i have read in a while, i said read because i have heard better LOL

 

[stringbean]

a man walks into a bar

 

[stringbean]

lol sorry had to be said

 

[Serpant_Lady]

A boy goes into a brothel dragging a dead frog on a piece of string and demands a hooker with cooties. The lady says he is too young so the boy goes away and comes back with a bag of money and again demands a hooker ith cooties. The lady sighs and says "Go up the stairs and the door at the end of the right passage has a hooker with cooties"

So the boy goes up and has his way with the hooker. When he comes back do everyone wants to know why he wanted a hooker with cooties. The boy says "Coz when I go home I am going to sleep with the babysitter, who will sleep with my dad, who will sleep with my mum, who will sleep with the milkman who ran over my damn frog!"

 

[Johan]

Just had to share this one...

Plane Trouble
A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane.
The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat.
The man isn't sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading. A few minutes pass.
The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.
The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes pass.
The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders violently again. The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped your nose then shuddered violently!
Are you sending me signals, or are you going crazy?" The woman replies, "I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious says, "I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"

The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper"

 

[IsK67]

Exercise for mature adults

Exercise for mature adults

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5Kg potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10Kg potato sacks.

Then try 50Kg potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100Kg potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks!

 

[Johan]

How News Headlines in India are made:
A man sees a woman getting chased by a dog. When the dog is about to bite the woman, the man intervenes and kicks the dog.
A reporter was seeing all this.
He said "That was great. I'll definitely publish this in newspaper. Tomorrow the headline
will be 'LOCAL HERO SAVES LADY FROM A DOG'."
The man replied "Thank you, but I'm not from here. I am from US".
Reporter " OK. Then the headline will be 'US CITIZEN SAVES WOMAN FROM A DOG'".
Man: Actually, I live in US but I'm not a US citizen. I'm a Pakistani national".
Next day, the headline in the paper read


....

....

....

_TERRORIST ATTACKS A LOCAL DOG

 

[angua21]

now this one is all in the telling, so I am not sure how it will come across in type, but here goes nothing...

A man is out on a walk with his pet monkey. as he wanders around the block, he starts tongueing for a beer, and as his favourite watering hole is just around the next corner, he decides to stop in for a quick drink.
as he walks through the door, the barmaid calls out to him "hey John, you know theres no pets allowed in here!" to which John replies, "aww, c'mon, you know me, and I swear he will be on his BEST behaviour! if he plays up, i will leave straight away.."
the barmaid looks at him for a little longer, then replies "just this once John, and if he so much as looks at me the wrong way, you're out!"
so John goes to the bar, and sits down for his beer. He gets about one third of the way through his schooner, when the monkey goes berserk! it runs over all the tables, screeches in peoples faces, throws things around, and finally, jumps onto the pool table and swallows the 8 ball!
well, the barmaid goes off! but John is already out the door with his monkey in tow....

A few months later, John is out walking with the monkey once again...he has the same craving for a beer, and thinks 'ahh, its been a while, she will have calmed down, maybe even forgotten about it by now, i will go in for a quick beer'
as soon as he sticks his head through the door, the barmaid shakes her head and says "no way!! after what that monkey put us through last time, he is not coming back in here!"
John begs her "oh come on, i have been training him, he is really well behaved now, hasnt put a foot wrong...i swear, he will be ok, and if he screws up this time, you can ban me for life..."
the barmaid thinks for a bit, then reluctantly agrees... "ok, but if he does ANYTHING wrong this time, you will never drink in this bar again!"
John is sure that he has the monkey under control, so he walks in and sits on his favourite stool. But before he has even touched his beer, the monkey starts again... screeching, running around, it tips the beer nuts out, then goes out the back... The barmaid screams at the monkey, comes out to face John and says "THAT IS DISGUSTING!! do you know what that HORRID little thing just did?!?!?! it went out the back, got into the jar of pickled onions, pulled one out, put it into its bum, then ATE IT!!
John looks apologetically at everyone in the bar..... "oh no, I'm really sorry about that" he says..
"Ever since the 8 ball incident, he measures everything BEFORE he eats it!"

 

[meecrob]

A lady walks into a high class jewellery shop. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?"

He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to ***** yourself when I tell you the price."

 

[=bECS=]

heres one of my faves--------


A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.

She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into action.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a frim grip.

She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.
The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves, as her head is struck against the ground again and again.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when....................

The woolies manager comes to her rescue and unplugs the horse!

 

[=bECS=]

and another -------- a long one but a good one!!!


An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"Roll of chicken wire."

"What you gonna do with that?"

"Gonna catch some chickens."

"You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by, dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it. The next morning, the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something in his hand. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"Roll of duct tape."

"What you gonna do with that?"

"Gonna catch me some ducks."

"You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"
The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night around sunset the boy walks by, trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duct tape with about 35 ducks caught in it. The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. ''Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"It's a pu.ssy willow."

the old man jumps up from his seat and says

"Wait up...I'll get my hat."

 

[IsK67]

True Love

An old couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was falling a sleep, but the wife felt romantic and wanted to talk.

She said, "You use to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second, and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me."

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said. "Then you use to bite my neck. "Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going ?" she asked.

"To get my teeth!"

 

[Jungletrans]

The young married couple were still very shy about sex . They had pet names for everything and called sex " washing machine " . One night the young man rolled over , cuddled his wife and wispered washing machine . She was tired and pretended to be asleep . She lay there thinking , this was no way to start a marriage so she rolled over and said washing machine . He replied ; its ok it was only a small load so l did it by hand .