Am I Being Unfair?

[euphorion]

how about drawing up a contract of sorts? like, what you'll do for him (food, laundry, cleaning) and what he'll do for you (not wake you up, dishes, lights off etc) and if he breaks contract he owes.

good luck with it all either way, hope it all works out

 

[FAY]

Telling him if he doesn't like your rules to move somewhere else and kicking him out are two different things.
He obviously realises that the grass isn't always greener on the other side and has come back home before with his tail between his legs...so to say that to him just might bring back some not so pleasant memories and he realises how good he has it at home!!

 

[Jewly]

Knowing Zac, he will go along with it to start with but then he'd just try and get me to stick to my side of it, while he slackens off.

 

[euphorion]

lol, just stop feeding the boy

 

[bubbaloush]

With the dinner thing, when i lived with my parents the rule was home by 6pm for dinner, if your late then a call is expected, if your not there then you don't go out after dinner.

Do what i did with my partner (he never had to do chores for his mum) one night he asked me to wash him work clothes for the morning, so i washed them but didn't bother putting them under the fan to dry so he went to work on his bike the next morning in wet clothes freezing his butt off, since then he washes his own clothes.

Take the chores one step at a time, first refuse to do his washing, then the next step once he has taken that responsibility is to make him a deal that you will cook but on weekdays he does the dishes before he goes to bed.

With the waking, you don't want him to quit his job and sit around the house, so maybe earplugs is the way to go.

As for the bike well if he's working i would expect that he's planning on paying you back.

Goodluck with it.

 

[Jewly]

Telling him if he doesn't like your rules to move somewhere else and kicking him out are two different things. He obviously realises that the grass isn't always greener on the other side and has come back home before with his tail between his legs...so to say that to him just might bring back some not so pleasant memories and he realises how good he has it at home!!

Yes, I agree. I think I might sit him down on the weekend and have a good chat to him and lay down a few rules. The one bargaining chip I do have is to take away his computer/internet cause that would kill him.

 

[lynfrog]

there is a very well known concept with teenagers called 'tough love'.
sorry to be sexist but how tough would an older male be wiht him? pretty tough generally- ive seen young apprentices in trades, the males just tell the youngster to 'get over it' and 'get on with it'. and 'get over yourself' because they have such a 'me' centered view on thier world. Men dont angst over telling him to pull up his socks- neither should we as mothers!
and yes i have a son, now 22 yrs old! i know its not easy, but your not doing him any favours- he needs to learn to take notice, or move out.

 

[grizz]

I can understand where you're coming from, and where he's coming from... But remember, if you keep pestering him about it, he'll end up getting piissed off and quitting the job and going back to sitting around and doing nothing.
Just my opinion on it.
What time do you go to bed and what time do you get up to go to work (sorry if this is personal). You could try going to bed a little earlier so you're not as tired in the morning :?

cheers
Trouble

What a load of c%$p! Tell him "shower before bed, get up, get to work, and when you get home cut the grass."

He wants to be a big boy and not go to school with the kiddies, tell the little monkey to pull his finger out and give you a hand.

16 year old kid leaving school to sit on his kyber, Rubbish.

 

[Aussie Python Lover]

Its like me Im having issues with my 12yo son he has 5 things to do for chores, his laundry, empty bins feed cats at night, make bed before school, dishes, and then he will get pocket money but do you think he helps out at all? No the joys of motherhood I am dreading to see what my 2yo daughter is gonna be like at my sons age *grrrr hair pulling*

 

[Danni]

I see your point and i see his, you need your sleep and he needs a shower to wake himself up.
Bottom line is its your house and your rules so really he should abide and respect your guidlines.
In saying that times have changed and children are very much aware of their rights and it sometimes appears they have more than us as parents.
So im going to go into child care mode here and ask how long he has had his job for? if its only been for a short time do you think after a few weeks you could get use to the noise he makes and eventually sleep through it?.
could you compromise with him saying that you are willing to give it so many weeks and if you havent gotten use to it then you would like to discuss another option. Another option is, one morning he has a shower the next he doesnt.

I personally wouldnt use food as a punishment ( not at the age of 16 anyways) as he is still legally under your care, If he knows how to cook then you could ask him to share the cooking duties.
I would however teach him to wash his own clothes and to clean up after himself (dishes etc)
Being single is hard and your son should start to help more.
Basically i would sit down with him (like you would with any adult) and discuss what you expect of him, but give him the chance to voice his opinions too.
Goodluck

 

[lynfrog]

i dont get how you cant get him to do the chores- does he need money form you- for excursions, clothes, etc? does he need a lift somewhere? just say no! until he does the chores he is supposed to do! how hard is that- at 12 yrs of age they are very dependent on us to pay nd do things- we have the power! use it!

 

[Jewly]

there is a very well known concept with teenagers called 'tough love'. Sorry to be sexist but how tough would an older male be wiht him? pretty tough generally- ive seen young apprentices in trades, the males just tell the youngster to 'get over it' and 'get on with it'. and 'get over yourself' because they have such a 'me' centered view on thier world. Men dont angst over telling him to pull up his socks- neither should we as mothers! and yes i have a son, now 22 yrs old! i know its not easy, but your not doing him any favours- he needs to learn to take notice, or move out.

Yes, I agree. A male would be a lot tougher on him and I'm sure Zac would have a lot more respect for a male as well. I think a lot of Zac's problems are because his father was never around. He's probably only spent about 3 weeks all up with his father over his entire life. He totally disappared out of his life for nearly 10 years when Zac was only 18mths old (his choice not mine) and then he came back when Zac was around 12 but that didn't last long and it was actually Zac that ended the contact that time around and we haven't heard from him since.

But I've always tried to raise him right and not just give in to him all the time which is very hard to do sometimes when you're dealing with it all on your own..

Motherhood is the pits sometimes. I keep telling him that if I drowned him at birth I would have been out by now..lol (kidding)

 

[Danni]

lol, so many replies have been posted whilst i typed out mine... i agree he needs to pay you back for the bike, being a child care worker i see so many kids disrespect their parents and i also see parents disrespect their children.
He still needs you to be his role model, you still have to be the parent and he still has to respect your rules, basically its up to you! if you want him to shower at night then he should, if you want him to pay you back, then he pays you back, if you want him to stop treating you as a maid then give him more responsibilities. I would use the PC as a way of payment... example doing the dishes gives him half hour pc time, doing his washing gives him another half hour time. The important thing to remember is to remain calm and consistent so he doesnt get mixed messages.

 

[Jewly]

i dont get how you cant get him to do the chores- does he need money form you- for excursions, clothes, etc? does he need a lift somewhere? just say no! until he does the chores he is supposed to do! how hard is that- at 12 yrs of age they are very dependent on us to pay nd do things- we have the power! use it!

No, I don't give him money but I do buy him minimal clothing. The thing is, when I don't give him money for things like hair gel etc, he just goes and steals it, and there's nothing I can do about that. I can't follow him around 24 hrs a day cause I work full-time. He's been in trouble with the police a couple of times and it just doesn't seem to bother him. I've tried to tell him what the consequences will be if he continues to do it but he takes no notice. I'm of the opinion now that he's old enough to know right from wrong (cause he's certainly been brought up to know the difference) and if he chooses to do the wrong thing in life then he will have to suffer the consequences.

I don't often give him a lift cause he is used to geting himself around and I really only bought him the bike so that I didn't have to drive him to work. I wouldn't expect him to walk that early of a morning cause it would be about a 30 min walk but it's only about a 10 min bike ride.

He's not 12...he's almost 16 and he's pretty independent. He does a lot of his own cooking and often will do his own washing but he is a bit of a grub at times and will wear the same clothes over and over again so threatening to not do his washing really means nothing to him.

 

[kakariki]

Your son is not a kid any more. Stop treating him like one. He works so he should pay something, even if it is a token amount till October. I think you need to sit and talk to him, not at him. Point out that his morning showers wake you up. Could he be quieter? Could you shut your door? Give & take works much better than just talking at someone. Show him the bills so he understands where you are coming from and jot down all the jobs around the house & split them up fairly. Stop paying for his stuff. He earns money, let him do it but show him how to budget. This is a new learning time for him. Help him by showing him how, not telling him to just do it. Let him make his own mistakes. Action & reaction.....consequences.......

 

[Noongato]

Tell him to shower at night before bed. I mean with the waking up thing, isnt that what caffeine is for? Haha

 

[Kirby]

IMO

if he wants to leave school and work. they he needs to do it properly. insist on board $50 a week (even if you dont need it, save it up to buy him a car?) he has to work, make dinner (seeing his home by then) and help with chores. if he wants to drop out, he needs to jump up into the real world. or he wont ever get it right..

also try get him a hobby, or to work towards a better job, study at tafe?

this works very well, personal experience.. it will prepare him for adult life... even tho he's young it will get him off his butt.

 

[Noongato]

Good on him and you and your mothing skills, he HAS a job and isnt sitting around experimenting with drugs... Its better to focus on the lighter side sometimes.......

 

[Danni]

yes he is old enough to know better and you can only tell him of the consequences so many times. It does sound like he's already use to do doing what he likes. So he may not take your concerns too well or care for that matter.
Its great tho that he does his own cooking and washing (even if its only a little)
Have your chat with him and see what he says but remember your the parent

 

[Jewly]

Sometimes I think a parent is soft on a kid because they have a sense of guilt that the other parent is not around.

That's never been a problem for me cause I felt I had nothing to be guilty for. I stood by my son and I was there for him unlike his father. His father even admitted to me a couple of years back that I did nothing to cause him to stop seeing Zac and that it was just because he couldn't be bothered to be a parent. I even made it really easy for him when he did come back and yet after a couple of weeks you could see that he was slackening off again. That's why Zac stopped the contact.

I've never had a problem with discipline and I was always quite strict but as they get older things change and your authority doesn't mean as much.