Convincing a parent who will not allow a pet snake due to fear and prejudgement?

[Asharee133]

For sure if you've got chocolate, don't laugh I played dead in a morgue tray at an abandoned asylum for lollies and chocolate and I was even going to let her shave my head so I looked like a total nutter.

LMAOOO!!! can you be my new best friend?? ROFL

 

[Indysmum]

Since when is reasonable discussion and education equivalent to nagging and arguing?? I am so happy that I have a mother who isn't like you two. If I wasn't allowed to have/do something it was ok for me to ask why because it led to discussion about the reasons for her decisions. This allowed me to grow up with an understanding of reasoned decision making instead of unalterable closed-mindedness. Your strict "my house, my rules" policy has more implications than you may think and, in my opinion, in the 21st century it is an outdated way to raise children

HE IS A 24 YEAR OLD ADULT!! perhaps you missed this part? I had typed a reply to this 'young kid' then saw age. My advice was totally different, as I feel its another ballgame when its adult children living at home. By this age hes no longer being 'raised', sure for your whole life you have guidance...but were not talking about a little boy, were talking about a grown MAN.
Im sure he wouldnt go and rip down walls without her/ or a landlords permission either >.<
If every time someone didnt agree, you worked them down until they submitted, thats true childish behaviour right there. At some point most of us grow up and have an adult/adult relationship rather than adult/child with our own parents.
Again, best luck.

 

[gandal88]

just rock up with a snake i did that with my wife and she flipped but now she is cool with it and holds it and stuff lol so funny watching ppl come around =)

 

[snakeluvver]

Wow, I guess we know the Nazi Mums on this forum then.

 

[Indysmum]

just rock up with a snake i did that with my wife and she flipped but now she is cool with it and holds it and stuff lol so funny watching ppl come around =)

lucky she came around lol My dad did that with buying a house without mum knowing!
geez you men like playing with fire! lol
I can bring home new pets without saying, my man would take days to even notice them lol

 

[snakeluvver]

Jeannie, when you said your child had a snake you said you "fed the damn thing rats"
You're a member on this reptile forum, you'd think that being on here has educated you so that you like them now, or at least not refer to them as "damn things"

 

[saximus]

HE IS A 24 YEAR OLD ADULT!! perhaps you missed this part?

Thanks for the reminder but I hadn't missed that part. This is all the more reason for scrapping the ridiculous "my house, my rules" notion in lieu of intelligent discussion.

I can bring home new pets without saying, my man would take days to even notice them lol

So obviously your man isn't part of the Gaddafi style rule making process in your house? Are you saying it's ok for you to do something like this without consulting other members of the household but not for the rest of the people on the forum?

 

[abnrmal91]

yeah i agree. My dad would just say no until one day we finally had a discussion about it and everything he was worried about i had a good answer how to fix (id done a heap of research). With him it wasnt a fear issue though... and after more 'discussing' i now have control over the spare room of the house =D

My parents were cool with me getting snakes, but the tricky bit was convincing them to let use the upstairs lounge. It's now full of snakes.

 

[Jazzz]

My parents were cool with me getting snakes, but the tricky bit was convincing them to let use the upstairs lounge. It's now full of snakes.

haha yeah my dad was just looking to put something in the spare room, because its completely empty, and i suggested snakes. Some people are just so much easier to convince then others... i got lucky =]

 

[Manda1032]

Don't just go out and buy a snake. Take her along to your nearest Herp club meeting. Go and talk to other breeders and keepers together. When she finds someone she can talk to and trust ask if you could get together and meet one of their snakes. I loved going to herp displays with the NQHS, with one of my snakes being bomb proof he helped a lot of people overcome their fears of snakes. You need to prove to be grown up and trustworthy, just bringing a snake home wont make that happen. If research and meeting and greeting don't work just wait til you start either paying rent, turn 18 or leave home cause then she can't stop you.


PS Hi Mum

 

[Defective]

lol, get a job and once you have one just get one. i just got a job and said...'i'm getting a snake when i have saved up' got no objection.

 

[Jeannine]

i am sorry and no disrespect to those who do like that but i HATE them, you might call it an irrational fear, you might call me other names but NO amount of education, seeing video's, having things stuffed down my throat will change the way i feel

i dont care if this person is 24 saying 'ill have a snake and i dont care about my mothers fear of them' IS carrying on like a disrespectful child and having other adults telling them to go out and buy one and stuff his mothers feelings is encouraging disrespect and it will NOT win them any points with a parent

you know WE ARE allowed to dislike snakes as much as some of you are allowed to like them and i wont knock anyone for that but i do know how his mother feels

your all dismissing his mother and her feelings as if they dont matter based on your own acceptance of snakes

http://www.aussiepythons.com/forum/member/snakeluvver-25864/snakeluvver simple answer to your question? NO being a member here has NOT changed my mind, i avoid the snake section though i have sometimes glanced at pictures and ill be the first to admit some of them are gorgeous colours but it has NOT changed my views on them in general...........i really dislike them and you will NEVER change that fear and i have NO desire to even so much as touch one even if my own life depended on it, telling me snakes are cool wont work they can and DO kill people and no amount of education will change that view, my son had a carpet python and the entire time it was under my roof i did NOT change my views on them

if this person wants snakes then they should save up, move out, pay their own bills then they can do whatever the hell they want, have as many snakes as they want without having to answer to anyone but themselves and maybe their landlords, you also have to remember landlords might NOT allow 'pets' of any kind including reptiles and that is a landlords right as well, what will they do if a landlord says 'no'? to hell with it and do what they want anyway? they have two choices accept their mothers rules or move out

fears are usually based on some irrational thought process but they are OUR fears like it or not and we ARE allowed to have them without being ridiculed or having our fears dismissed as unimportant and being told to 'get over it, ill do whatever the hell i want'

we will have to agree to disagree on this, keep telling this person they can do what they want and disrespect their mother, i wont come back

 

[snakeluvver]

Jeannie do you think you have a fear or a phobia? Because if it was a fear you'd probably be over it by now, it could be a phobia.

 

[saximus]

Phobias are curable, it's been proven. Jeannine a spotted python has never killed a person. Ever. So that argument is entirely invalid. I think you are also missing the point. Attempting to have a conversation and provide education is not disrespectful in any way. I agree that coming home with one and not telling them is not the right way to go but I see no problem with trying to have a reasonable discussion about it.
"...keep telling this person they can do what they want and disrespect their mother, i wont come back"
This sort of attitude is exactly the tantrum throwing, childish attitude you yourself are saying you're against. Once again I will say, I think your view of "my house, my rules, no further discussion" is in itself disrespectful.

 

[malachi51]

if you have had a reasonable conversation with your mum about it, and she has still said no, then you need to respect her decision and move out first. While I think education can be a good thing, it could very well have the opposite effect than you want.

If you're 24 years old why are you still living at home anyway? You obviously have money coming in (if you can afford to buy a snake) so why not save up, move out and then you can do whatever you want.

My hubby doesn't want me to get a snake either, but we're in this relationship equally, we've had plenty of discussions about it, and as long as he doesn't have to do anything for the snake then he's ok with it. If he was scared of snakes that might be a different story. My 5 year old would love a green tree frog, but hubby has some weird fear of frogs (something that was caused by a childhood fright) so a frog is off the agenda. my son will just have to deal with that, it's not like we're stopping him from having any pets, there are more animals in our house than humans.

If the mum was allergic would you all still keep telling him just to get one and bring it home? If you lived with someone that had a really bad allergy to cats would you just say "well screw them, I'm an adult, I'll do what I want" and bring home a kitten? That's very disrespectful, regardless of who the other person is, be it parent, housemate, sibling or child. A lot of fears and phobias seem unusual (like my hubby's fear of frogs) but that doesn't make them any less a human deserving of our respect. And yes, respect goes both ways, I'm sure it was hard for her to agree to let you have a lizard, but she respected that you like them and wanted one, now you need to respect that she's not comfortable with having a snake in the house. If you can't respect that, then move out.

I'm not saying don't educate her about snakes, but do it the right way, and don't be offended and rude if it doesn't go your way.

 

[saximus]

The OP never mentioned being 24. That was another poster. What is wrong with still being home at that age? I was 23 when I bought my first house.
There is virtually nothing to be allergic of with snakes so that is not a valid possibility. The fact is we gave advice that answered the OPs question while the Nazi mothers all went off saying we are all disrespectful and evil children while not providing any sensible answers to the questions. If the mother says no after providing rational reasons then that will be it but I see no harm in trying to discuss it before closing the topic away forever. All I can say is God help all of your children when they first ask for something you don't want them to have

 

[malachi51]

sorry, my bad. I read the first page a few days ago, only read the last few today and there was a few comments about him being 24.
Nothing wrong with still being at home, I moved home again for 18 months after having moved out years earlier, with a baby in tow.
my point with asking why still be at home was if they're so determined to get a snake against mum's wishes then why not just move out in order to do so.

I also realise that there is virtually nothing to be allergic of with snakes, but it's the same respect wise IMO.
I'm not being a nazi mother, but a LOT of the posts suggested just bringing one home, or telling her she has no choice, or hiding it in the cupboard, all very disrespectful things, and would you suggest that if they were talking about a cat and their mum was allergic??? How is going against her wishes sensible advice??

I agreed with the educating her, and didn't say don't discuss it, but if that has already been done with no results, then it's not fair on her to keep on going!
A lot of fears are irrational, but that doesn't make them any less real to the person who experiences them, and yes, a lot can be treated, but is he offering to pay for all of that for his mum?

And I say no to my child quite often, that doesn't make me a nazi parent, it means my child has boundaries and he knows where he stands. If I always said yes to him he would eat chocolate and donuts for dinner every night. I'm sure most people would consider me to be a worse parent for letting him eat that than saying no he can't have a pet frog because his Dad is terrified of them. It's not a never to a frog, it just means he has to wait till he's an adult and no longer lives with us, same as when he's an adult and I am no longer cooking his meals then he can eat whatever he likes too.

Another thought, what are the licence requirements for a snake? Is the licence in his name, or his mum's because he's under 18? Shouldn't that also play a part? If he is too young to hold a licence in his own name for a snake why should his mum hold the licence for him? Not sure what state the OP is in.

but seriously, is it really going to kill him to wait till he moves out to get a snake? It's not like she has said she will disown him if he ever owns a snake, he just can't have one while living with her. That's what, a few years? depending on how old he is? why is that an issue? I have been waiting 6 years to get a snake, and I'm an adult with children, yes it's a long wait, but I'd rather wait and do things properly than rush it in my impatience to have what I want.

OMG I just asked my son what he wanted for dinner, his reply was carrots, cucumber and green trees (broccoli)
Does that make me a bad nazi parent??? LOL

 

[feedthepanda2]

if this person wants snakes then they should save up, move out, pay their own bills then they can do whatever the hell they want, have as many snakes as they want without having to answer to anyone but themselves and maybe their landlords, you also have to remember landlords might NOT allow 'pets' of any kind including reptiles and that is a landlords right as well, what will they do if a landlord says 'no'? to hell with it and do what they want anyway? they have two choices accept their mothers rules or move out

We have a "no pets allowed" rule in the place we're currently renting, yet our landlord as well as the real estate agent knows all about the four reptiles. The reason they're fine with it is because they have never escaped, caused damage to the property or the garden, make no noise that disturbs the neighbours/neighbourhood and don't attract local pests. They seem fine with anything that's in a tank (because, let's face it... a landlord that kicks out a tennant for having a goldfish seems a little extreme).

Correct me if I'm wrong, because I have a terrible memory (and don't really want to read 5 pages of posts to find it), but was there a mention of the mother having a phobia as bad as yours seems to be? Because I've stated before in a post here that I eased Mum into the whole snake thing, by being "childish" and educating her. She didn't know a lot and thought we had enough pets as it was at the time, and those were her reasons against having a snake until my bird flew away. Not phobia. The only thing she's worried about at the moment is the snake becoming fully grown, but I have a feeling she won't notice her steady growth until photo comparisons are shown. So not every parent who says "no" to a snake, reptile, amphibian or other animal has a fear/phobia of it. If the parents haven't given their son/daughter a reason and have just said "no", it's probably worth finding out so they can work through it, or wait until a certain point in time has passed that will possibly allow it, like with my case.

Edit: Also, no disrespect meant, but if my mother was as strict as you when it came to questioning an answer/reason/decision, I'd probably want to move out to get away from the lack of freedom. I'd be living with a friend or family member though, because even though I saved up to afford a snake+set-up (which Mum and I went halves in as a birthday present for me, and which was also on layby for months on end), I couldn't afford to pay current rent prices, bills, etc. when I only get $380 a fortnight. Telling your kid to hit the road if they "disrespect" you when they clearly can't afford it/have yet to find a place to stay is one of the worst things anyone could do to their child, especially when it's over one pet. Just my two cents.

 

[Red-Ink]

I'm going to have to side on the mums on this one for no other reason than i have very little tolerance for two legged talking neonates, hatchlings and juvies. One reason I would never breed them myself. Some of the hatchlings reasoning well...... just seems like an American telling the Australian government to let him keep taipans exported from Australia cause "he want's one", just would not take NO for an answer lol.

 

[saximus]

But Red think about the economy!
If you don't mind me asking a personal question do you have another half? If so how does she feel about your decision not to breed? I only ask because I'm at a point where this will be...problematic. PM if you'd prefer, or don't answer at all if it's too personal